for Burdened Fantasies12/20/2008 c1 
1Frail.Wings.Of.Vanity
Hmm, it definitely gets your point across on such feelings. Well done!
1Frail.Wings.Of.VanityHmm, it definitely gets your point across on such feelings. Well done!
12/7/2008 c1 82Solemn Coyote
Hi. I kinda stumbled on your profile, noticed that you liked obscure J-rock bands (and also Johnny's. Boo, Johnny's,) and figured that alone was worth a review.
In retrospect, that's pretty bizzare criteria for giving someone feedback on their writing. Oh well. *shrugs*
1) The first poem is a little straightforward, but it's potent all the same. It does a good job of presenting the I'm-swept-up-in-this-and-it-bothers-me nature of an overwhelming romance. Possibly the best phrase from it is "A distressing rapture,". That captures the whole essence of the poem, and I feel like you could maybe have started with it and explored other topics from there.
2) The second poem is solid, although it could have developed the labyrinth metaphor a bit more. I felt like that was its strongest element.
3)"You’re deserving of much more than these hands can offer" Desperate and powerful. I suppose it makes me a little uncomfortable reading it, but that should be a compliment for you. The whole point of poetry is to get the reader to feel.
4)"I’m imploring your attention" might be a little stronger as "I implore your attention".
"You won’t endure consequence" felt a little off. Maybe expand on the idea of falling?
"I am too desperate?
I am too contemptible…" That's kind of a bitter change at the end. It doesn't exactly come out of nowhere, but it's more of an undercurrent in the rest of the poem.
5) I like this piece, and I think it does a great job of housing emotion within it. One thing that occurred to me while I was reading it was that the English word 'passion' comes from a Latin root; 'Patior' which means to suffer or endure. I'm not wholly sure how relevant or inspirational that is, but thought I'd mention it anyways.
-SC
82Solemn CoyoteHi. I kinda stumbled on your profile, noticed that you liked obscure J-rock bands (and also Johnny's. Boo, Johnny's,) and figured that alone was worth a review.
In retrospect, that's pretty bizzare criteria for giving someone feedback on their writing. Oh well. *shrugs*
1) The first poem is a little straightforward, but it's potent all the same. It does a good job of presenting the I'm-swept-up-in-this-and-it-bothers-me nature of an overwhelming romance. Possibly the best phrase from it is "A distressing rapture,". That captures the whole essence of the poem, and I feel like you could maybe have started with it and explored other topics from there.
2) The second poem is solid, although it could have developed the labyrinth metaphor a bit more. I felt like that was its strongest element.
3)"You’re deserving of much more than these hands can offer" Desperate and powerful. I suppose it makes me a little uncomfortable reading it, but that should be a compliment for you. The whole point of poetry is to get the reader to feel.
4)"I’m imploring your attention" might be a little stronger as "I implore your attention".
"You won’t endure consequence" felt a little off. Maybe expand on the idea of falling?
"I am too desperate?
I am too contemptible…" That's kind of a bitter change at the end. It doesn't exactly come out of nowhere, but it's more of an undercurrent in the rest of the poem.
5) I like this piece, and I think it does a great job of housing emotion within it. One thing that occurred to me while I was reading it was that the English word 'passion' comes from a Latin root; 'Patior' which means to suffer or endure. I'm not wholly sure how relevant or inspirational that is, but thought I'd mention it anyways.
-SC