10/31/2008 c1 10Nonlinear
Hey Kitty,

This is sort of an intriguing start, isn't it? Demons and death, then a direct jump into (seeming) normal reality. I'm curious to see how the pieces eventually connect.

There a couple of things in your writing I spotted that could be improved on.

For example, the reader would be more interested in your characters and get a better feel for them if focus on more significant details. Hair and eye color paint a visual picture, but writing isn't a visual medium. Rather than trying to make up for its weakness by flooding us with pointless visual detail, rely on writing's strength. It's a mental medium. Show your character's interior thoughts, her past, her present, her perspective, her wants, needs, desires — and and she'll become much more real and empathetic as a character.

As for your dialogue, it's a bit stagy and lacks in variety, making not flow very well. Note that a lot of the important plot information is revealed through dialogue, like they were stage directions. Phrases like "By the way, did you hear" and "I'm so glad they shipped in the equipment" tell a lot, but this is the job of the narrator, not the speakers.

Also, take a look how every bit of dialogue begins at the beginning of a paragraph. Splitting it up so only one person speaks within a paragraph is correct. However, there should be variety, and dialogue is not a reason to start a new paragraph. Your fifth- and sixth-last paragraphs are an example where the two should have been one. Her thoughts and the following dialogue from her are on the same topic. Also, you should feel free to break up your dialogue for effect and flow. You could have written: "They're fun!" Tera insisted. "Me and Tiane..."

I hope you'll continue with this, and I wish you luck,

N. Linear