for Charming Satan12/22/2008 c7 
11KT-ImmortalIncarnate
lol. Twilight similarness last chapter: The book thing.
Of course the daimon leaving was similar too.
This chapter doesn't look similar though. ^_^
Good Job!
I need to work on my story...
Merry xMas
and a crazy new year!
kittykat
11KT-ImmortalIncarnatelol. Twilight similarness last chapter: The book thing.
Of course the daimon leaving was similar too.
This chapter doesn't look similar though. ^_^
Good Job!
I need to work on my story...
Merry xMas
and a crazy new year!
kittykat
12/16/2008 c7 OnMyWayToGettingLost
So your story..love it. Now I understand the feeling that you need to update and I appreciate that you did but it is kind of annoying that you plan to change it. I feel that it is better to perfect your chapters before you put them out. It seems like you're giving us a rough draft when we want the final..if you know what I mean.
So your story..love it. Now I understand the feeling that you need to update and I appreciate that you did but it is kind of annoying that you plan to change it. I feel that it is better to perfect your chapters before you put them out. It seems like you're giving us a rough draft when we want the final..if you know what I mean.
12/6/2008 c6 KT-ImmortalIncarnate
Well, the breakup scene is a little similar to New Moon, only this is a whole lot better than that one
I do see past it, I just tell you HEY! when ever I see that. Bella mopes after it too, don't make your character dead to the world though, some response would be nice.. xD
Overall good job, don't shoot me!
Have a nice day.
btw, I have my immortal..
Well, the breakup scene is a little similar to New Moon, only this is a whole lot better than that one
I do see past it, I just tell you HEY! when ever I see that. Bella mopes after it too, don't make your character dead to the world though, some response would be nice.. xD
Overall good job, don't shoot me!
Have a nice day.
btw, I have my immortal..
11/24/2008 c5 KT-ImmortalIncarnate
Argh! Fix your twilight similarness. Good story, but you need to be aware of the fact that originality is freaking awesome...Now I got the urge to write a story...DANG IT. Anyway, good all around idea, now make it your own!
Argh! Fix your twilight similarness. Good story, but you need to be aware of the fact that originality is freaking awesome...Now I got the urge to write a story...DANG IT. Anyway, good all around idea, now make it your own!
11/24/2008 c5 XxSiennaxX
Hey :)
This story is extremely intruinging, interesting and original. All the characters reactions are believable and your text flows really well. I'm interested to find out how their relationship progresses and if she goes to find her great grandmothers diary that is hidden in her house.
I can't wait for another chapter - Please update soon !
:D
Hey :)
This story is extremely intruinging, interesting and original. All the characters reactions are believable and your text flows really well. I'm interested to find out how their relationship progresses and if she goes to find her great grandmothers diary that is hidden in her house.
I can't wait for another chapter - Please update soon !
:D
11/22/2008 c4 KT-ImmortalIncarnate
Either I'm dreaming or I am seeing twilight-esqe ness here.
Good story though, keep up the good work. Try to make it a little more original and keep Stephenie Meyer's series in a small little box where they won't interfere with your work. If I am wrong, please continue the path, but If I am right, switch the holy path of darkness you are taking.
Happy Thanksgiving.
Either I'm dreaming or I am seeing twilight-esqe ness here.
Good story though, keep up the good work. Try to make it a little more original and keep Stephenie Meyer's series in a small little box where they won't interfere with your work. If I am wrong, please continue the path, but If I am right, switch the holy path of darkness you are taking.
Happy Thanksgiving.
11/4/2008 c2 Sandra aka Not YOUR Mom
Good chapter. You have a lovely way with words and some really good fresh metaphors. And your characters feel very real. But (and Sarah assures me you want the 'buts' as well) as a reader I'm waiting for the story to get moving so I can figure out what it's all about, to this end you might look at cutting some of the minutae of her days, which, as it stands slows the pace a little. We need enough to get a sense of where she's at and what her life's like - but not too much. Also in the beginning you might want to clarify who's speaking and what their relationship to Lily is eg the 'driver' turned out to be Ben, who turned out to be her grandfather (I think).
One other thing you need to be wary of is that so far, it's quite reminiscent of Twighlight (gorgeous kids, all foster kids, one who seems to initially have a problem with her and then doesn't). These are YOUR characters, let them live their own story. You're very good at this and I'm really looking forward to reading what you do with them (or what they do with themselves).
Good chapter. You have a lovely way with words and some really good fresh metaphors. And your characters feel very real. But (and Sarah assures me you want the 'buts' as well) as a reader I'm waiting for the story to get moving so I can figure out what it's all about, to this end you might look at cutting some of the minutae of her days, which, as it stands slows the pace a little. We need enough to get a sense of where she's at and what her life's like - but not too much. Also in the beginning you might want to clarify who's speaking and what their relationship to Lily is eg the 'driver' turned out to be Ben, who turned out to be her grandfather (I think).
One other thing you need to be wary of is that so far, it's quite reminiscent of Twighlight (gorgeous kids, all foster kids, one who seems to initially have a problem with her and then doesn't). These are YOUR characters, let them live their own story. You're very good at this and I'm really looking forward to reading what you do with them (or what they do with themselves).
11/3/2008 c1 Sandra aka Not YOUR Mom
Re prologue - very intriguing. Who is she? How did she get here? Who is Satan? Good questions that make me want to read on.
Areas for possible improvement? Watch for disguised repitition that can ultimately slow pace eg we know she's staring at him (line 3) you don't need to tell us again (line 7), also things like saying gloomy with no colour, when gloomy pretty much means no colour. And IMO you could get more impact with his order to attack if it was actually in dialogue eg "Attack," he said with no emotion, and his minions closed in on me.
But these are minor and easily fixed, really very good all in all.
Re prologue - very intriguing. Who is she? How did she get here? Who is Satan? Good questions that make me want to read on.
Areas for possible improvement? Watch for disguised repitition that can ultimately slow pace eg we know she's staring at him (line 3) you don't need to tell us again (line 7), also things like saying gloomy with no colour, when gloomy pretty much means no colour. And IMO you could get more impact with his order to attack if it was actually in dialogue eg "Attack," he said with no emotion, and his minions closed in on me.
But these are minor and easily fixed, really very good all in all.
11/3/2008 c2 Kaydee
i like dis!
pretty awesum
lawl
da start is less lyke twilight, which is good
i love it!
one thing -
I’d never been fond of heat, I remembered as my hometown of Sooke flashed by. Unlike most residents, I hadn’t been here since birth. My mother and her ancestors were, but I was still the odd one out."
this is kinda combinig two ideas - i get da impresion dat its saying that
I hadn’t been here since birth. My mother and her ancestors were,
that bit is a lil confusin
, but all in all an excellent improvement!
i like dis!
pretty awesum
lawl
da start is less lyke twilight, which is good
i love it!
one thing -
I’d never been fond of heat, I remembered as my hometown of Sooke flashed by. Unlike most residents, I hadn’t been here since birth. My mother and her ancestors were, but I was still the odd one out."
this is kinda combinig two ideas - i get da impresion dat its saying that
I hadn’t been here since birth. My mother and her ancestors were,
that bit is a lil confusin
, but all in all an excellent improvement!