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4/14/2010 c1 6The Saturday Storytellers
Okay, then! Review for grisly one-shot coming up!

I hear you when you say that this one-shot probably won't make much sense due to being part of a larger story, but I wonder if you might want to try and make such a story make more sense to a casual reader like me. You know, if you can get a reader to be struck by a short story like this, maybe they'll treat it as a taster and be more keen to read your longer works. Just a thought...

"They were supposed to fight!" Ah yes, but everyone's got a plan until they're faced with an attacker. Well-played bit of truth in fiction, this!

"...sightless eyes as the rapid blur of Keir continued her own escape." Two things occur to me here:

1. how do you mean 'sightless' if she watches Keir escape? and,

2. Nice foreshadowing: so Saff gets left behind in the blind need to escape? Scary...

I wonder if the upside-down bit might need a bit more work. I think you've gone some way to describing what it feels like to be suspended by one ankle, but I can't help but feels it needs more... realism? Completeness? There doesn't seem to be any mention of the pain one might feel on suspension from just one ankle (the ankle isn't meant to bear weight in that way), or the cool feeling of the air on her face as the blood rushes to her head.

You also seem to have the occasional clash of tense - it's mostly past, but the odd bit of present seems to be in there.

At the point that you mention what's happened to Finn, I'd love to get a chance to see what this Beast looks like. At the moment it's very vague indeed. All I know is that it's got at least two hands.

Hmm... also, I feel that your characters all seem to have one-syllable names. Some of them, it seems, could have longer names but you've contracted them: presumably Saff is Saffron, for instance. You might want to texturise your cast by using the longer forms of some of their names. Again, you don't have to, but it might make them feel a bit more diverse.

Also: if Saff and her colleagues are Shredders - and that sounds a pretty fierce title - surely they have training to deal with this kind of thing? I'd like to know at least a bit, within this story, what they can deal with and how this particular beast has outwitted/overpowered them. It feels to me as if they've been beaten too easily.

That said, this story is more lucid than the one with the ferret.

"What she didn't expect was the sensation of being lightly swung, back and forth, a perverse variation of cradling." Ooh. I didn't expect it either. What? I'm interested...

"Being swung...in an alley...near a brick wall...gathering force..." Oh. Oh, god. Okay... Reading on...

"He looked alarmingly human, almost normal..." Aww, I can't help but feel disappointed. He sounds quite eloquent, though. I wasn't sure whether this beastie could even speak.

"'I was making it quick.' it said. 'You won't know what hit you...or what you've hit.'" This story may be almost over, but I'm wondering now, if this monster has such intelligence, why is it keen to kill? Perhaps a little bit of exposition on its motives would be welcome, too. Introduce us to the beast!

- From We Return Reviews.
3/30/2010 c1 4lookingwest
You've definitley got my attention right away in the beginning, I like how you also mention 'Shredders' right away because I found that immediately fascinating and wanted to know more.

The rushing fear that courses through her...

-Edit: tense change, so I'd go with "coursed" instead of "courses"

(what child doesn't?)...

-Edit: tense, "doesn't" I think would sound better as "didn't"

The way you describe the action and the physical pain that Saff experiences is gruesome and great, I love the details because it's really pulling me in, and though repulsing, it's also something I can't take my eyes off of, haha.

And even though you're giving us a lot of different character mentions in one one-shot, like Cal and Finn, ect., I can still follow exactly what's happening. Or so I think-based on certain implications. This really reminded me of coming straight into a horror-movie moment. It seems like sort of a Hellsing-hunter moment gone completely wrong and I think you do a wonderful job capturing the panic of the moment.

Holy shit Jess! Awesome ending! Christ! That was great! I haven't read anything this gruesomely wonderful since Jake's stuff in my favs. You did a great job describing and I think for a one-shot you did a great job writing about something that I don't think a lot of people would have the guts to write about-which is just killing off the main character. Even if we only briefly know Saff it's still surprising, I wasn't completely positive you'd kill her but you did! And you also wrote about the last moments of someone's life, which I rarely ever see done. Love it!
1/25/2010 c1 1xenolith

Ugh. Yuck! So did not expect that. I can't convey how disturbed I am right now. Well done! Ugh, being swung and...

Alright, what I liked was the counting, nicely executed, and how we never really find out just what the 'beast' is, makes it all the more crazy. Also, this sentence, 'scraping away rough rivulets of skin' ridiculously vivid, thanks a bunch.

What I didn't like... the name dropping. Unecessary. Could have had a good semi-backstory without making it confusing. It didn't make me sympathize with her. The knowledge of her impeding death did that.

So, great job with this!
1/12/2010 c1 8WhyDoesItHaveToRainOnMyParade
This was a well written piece of fiction.. I like your use of description. I like the use of description because it helped me to build up a picture in my head of what was actually happened. I also liked the end. I liked the end because you don't fully know what has happened and it has let me, the reader interested in reading more..
9/4/2009 c1 Zombiesaurus Rex
Hey, here’s your Freebie review.


I liked how you characterized Saff, especially in contrast to the character of The Beast. She strikes me as someone who’s in way over her head. I liked how confused and horrified by her fate she was, and how her reaction was a mixture of defiance and acceptance.

On the other hand, it was the Beast’s dialogue that I felt best showed its inhuman nature. There was just no emotion or remorse to the things it said, and that provided a powerful contrast to Saff’s strongly emotional reaction. Makes me want to know more about it.


Though the grammar was good overall, there are a few places that could use some editing. I’ll point out the two biggest ones here.

" … yanking her roughly out into mid air, rough grain of the brick catching on the small band of exposed flesh between the hem of her top and the waist of her trousers …"

This is missing a "the" before "rough". I’m not sure if this was intentionally excluded to further the fragmented nature of the narration, or if it was just an accident, but editing it would definitely improve clarity.

"The rushing fear that courses through her, and the disfavourable position, meant she had little control over the surge of vomit that began to force its way up her throat …"

Courses should be coursed. This sentence appears to be in past tense, and courses doesn’t agree with the tense of the rest of the sentence.


I loved how you set the scene. The narration and the sparse detail helped further the macabre, panicked mood of the piece. The few descriptions and details you threw in were definitely pertinent to the story, and did a great job of furthering the mood.

For example: "… the sickening mangle of innards and leather armour her leader had revealed for one horrid moment in the dim orange light of the street lamp."

This particular fragment gives the reader a good idea of the scope of the monster Saff is dealing with. Also, the association of that particular color of orange with death and evisceration is a nice, powerful image.


I really enjoyed this piece. The characters, the scene, and your descriptions came together to provide a nice, chilling piece. I especially loved the motif of contrasts between Saff and the Beast, and also between the Beast and Humans in geenral.

Good piece,

~Zombiesaurus Rex
4/30/2009 c1 2N. J. Collins
I like the way you made us visualize everything.

And I like the way it ended.

I don't like the word toxically because I don't think it exists.

But great writing! ^^
4/19/2009 c1 6Kalista Jia
omg what an ending. SOB poor Saff!

Love the horror. *shiver*

Intense too. The countdown makes my heart clenched. I wonder what happened to the poor girl. Certainly something not pleasant to know of.

Well written. Good job.
3/27/2009 c1 15Denizen47
Wow, I really liked this piece. The ending was really quite chilling, and I especially liked how just before the end you alluded to a wider story. This was definitely a less-is-more piece, with the scant description of the Beast and it's slightly broken form of speech conjuring quite the image in my head.

One typo: [surging with adrenalin that was too late to be of any use.] adrenaline.

Aside from that I found it quite grammatically sound and a well written piece.

Well done. :)
3/4/2009 c1 132mizu no kokoro
This story gave me the chills. the vivid imagery and descriptions really brings the reader into the world of a story, and considering it's a one shot, you did it really efficiently.

I don't really have anything to nitpick at XD so overall, really well done

keep writing!
2/8/2009 c1 Chancee
Now that's how you write horror!

I was so into this. There was some vague descriptions of her surroundings while she was hearing her partner get eaten or mauled or something.

I could not figure out his way of dying so, maybe you want to work on that but I got the picture that it was brutal none the less.

I loved the interaction of the beast and the dialogue was funny to me in some way. Very well done and I hope you get more reviews for it!

The line of the story was - "Trying to make me vomit to death?"

I was ROFLMAO when I read that. It just was not expected.

Wonderful job and I look forward to reading more from you.

Pay it forward the Roadhouse~

Momo - Nomad of the Promised Land
2/7/2009 c1 6Sark
It's solid. Too isolated to really judge much on it's own, but as a sidestory or introduction to more it works. Gives the reader a flash of what the beast is like, a little introduction to the setting and then wipes the board of the introduced characters before they take up too much space.

The lack of detail about the beast is probably the strongest point. Reveal too little and the reader is too easily confused (in the negative sense), give too much and, well, understanding is the death of horror.
11/30/2008 c1 Jilted Eve
That was intense. The counting down and scattered dialogue was awesome-makes the reader want to read ahead. Your imagery was effective: "An image of her father swinging a half dead rabbit by the feet (wannabe-roadkill), and bringing it smashing down against the tarmac head first flashed into her mind" That image made me squirm a bit but it was certainly to the point and quite efective to Saff's predicament.

The monster looking human was a nice-almost alarming-touch, I can just imagine a human-like creature with dark eyes swinging this long chain from his place on a wall, watching her almost like a cat with string.

I liked it that, though the Beast was emotionless and cruel, he still retains some sort of humanity (assuming that he looks mostly human) "It stopped, stare still fixed on her, void of any feeling, except, perhaps, irritation.

‘I was making it quick.’ it said. ‘You won’t know what hit you...or what you’ve hit.’

This line made me think that, though the Beast is irritated, he feels some sort of twisted compassion toward Saff.

Nicely done.

- Apple
11/13/2008 c1 Fractured Illusion
The Review Game turned 1 year on the 11th Nov and we celebrate by giving reviews to those that spread the review love with us. :) This includes you, Miss Austen!

Okay: Wow! This was really something (in a good way)! I became hooked perhaps a bit too long into the story; somewhere around where she starts worrying about other people like Finn, so maybe you should work on gripping the attention at the start in a more powerful way. Because being such an interesting story it starts in a pretty normal fashion for a horror story (female chased, scared for her life).

I really enjoyed this however! It had good descriptions, nice parallels of present and flashback-esque recollections, and not to mention the beast and his behavior. The beast and her was my fav part.

Good story! =D Only thing lacking is why the beast does what he does (motive). But since this was a one-shot it's not a big concern.

- Frac
11/4/2008 c1 12SuzannaR
Wow...very good writing! I worry about you if this is what is running around in your head!

You mentioned that this was to be part of a longer piece...but it was not confusing. For example I could figure out what a Shredder was even though it s a new term for me.

Your descriptions are very good, they certainly make you feel what the character is going through. I especially like the description of the fear she felt just before being caught at tag.

I like how you also put an almost human face on the Beast..(not that he looked almost human) but that his actions were humaine...in a way...that s unusual in this genre no? Aren t they usually faceless and unexplicably evil?

I was surprised that he stopped to listen to her..

Very interesting work.
11/4/2008 c1 raineyday
Oh my God! You are superb at capturing mood, and as horrible as it is, I love the mood of this story. I felt this sort of tense dread throughout the entire piece. You're definitely good at drawing your reader in and making them feel like they're a part of this story. Very good job there.

I also love the use of detail and the language. Very vivid. They're both perfect for this sort of story. There are some truly vile details in this piece, but in something like this, I wouldn't want it any other way. It increases the terror tenfold.

Overall, very nice (if that is indeed the word to use) piece, very well-written!

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