for Fly12/27/2008 c1 
103Jesse the Storyteller
"But the one I really need always end up leaving," Subject verb agreement here... :) You need either "the ones I really need always end up leaving" or "the one I really need always ends up leaving". :D
You rhyme a lot at the beginning, but you don't keep the rhymes up throughout the poem. You should do one or the other - rhyme, or don't rhyme. Consistency is a good thing. :)
"Its just a rough teen thing. / No, I’m telling you it ain’t!" These lines are too filled with slang to fit into this poem. The rest of the poem is poetic, but this part of the poem isn't. It's distracting.
"They hear about the cutting, / They all think its so bad. / But its not the thing that bothers me, / Its not what makes me sad." This is a very great thought, and very insightful. I like it. :)
-Jesse
Attack of the review marathon! (link in profile)
103Jesse the Storyteller"But the one I really need always end up leaving," Subject verb agreement here... :) You need either "the ones I really need always end up leaving" or "the one I really need always ends up leaving". :D
You rhyme a lot at the beginning, but you don't keep the rhymes up throughout the poem. You should do one or the other - rhyme, or don't rhyme. Consistency is a good thing. :)
"Its just a rough teen thing. / No, I’m telling you it ain’t!" These lines are too filled with slang to fit into this poem. The rest of the poem is poetic, but this part of the poem isn't. It's distracting.
"They hear about the cutting, / They all think its so bad. / But its not the thing that bothers me, / Its not what makes me sad." This is a very great thought, and very insightful. I like it. :)
-Jesse
Attack of the review marathon! (link in profile)
12/15/2008 c1 Olivia
"I wish that I could fly,
Sometimes I want to die"
Are you serious? No. That just doesn't work. Those two lines have no connection whatsoever with one another. What has wishing you could die got to do with killing yourself?
"So wrong. If only I could tell someone,
What gets me so down.
They hear about the cutting,
They all think its so bad."
Look really if you want to put all this in you need to put in more description. Your lines are too short. They need more information, readers have to feel what you are trying to illustrate in your work.
The idea for the poem is good but really you need to think more about content of the poem before you post.
Good Luck.
"I wish that I could fly,
Sometimes I want to die"
Are you serious? No. That just doesn't work. Those two lines have no connection whatsoever with one another. What has wishing you could die got to do with killing yourself?
"So wrong. If only I could tell someone,
What gets me so down.
They hear about the cutting,
They all think its so bad."
Look really if you want to put all this in you need to put in more description. Your lines are too short. They need more information, readers have to feel what you are trying to illustrate in your work.
The idea for the poem is good but really you need to think more about content of the poem before you post.
Good Luck.
11/7/2008 c1 14 of Misa Tana
Hay tat i loved it but i have one question - who is this one u really need that you talk about? are you not telling me something?
anyways lots of love
sazza matazz
Hay tat i loved it but i have one question - who is this one u really need that you talk about? are you not telling me something?
anyways lots of love
sazza matazz
11/3/2008 c1 9Mayo on toast
Untitiled? You mean Untitled, right?
Other than that, I don't know what to say. I don't know what I can say.
9Mayo on toastUntitiled? You mean Untitled, right?
Other than that, I don't know what to say. I don't know what I can say.