for Fragmented Sleep3/19/2009 c1 
3Balliett
i like the way you use words. it's just so...gah. i dunno. i'm losing coherency because i want to write. it's beautiful. :3
i have to ask: what does this poem mean to you? what do you derive from it, being the author? (i've really been wanting to ask you this on all your pieces but haven't for some reason.)
i am so reviewing all your other stuff later. hehehe. i'm such a good little stalker. xD
3Ballietti like the way you use words. it's just so...gah. i dunno. i'm losing coherency because i want to write. it's beautiful. :3
i have to ask: what does this poem mean to you? what do you derive from it, being the author? (i've really been wanting to ask you this on all your pieces but haven't for some reason.)
i am so reviewing all your other stuff later. hehehe. i'm such a good little stalker. xD
11/8/2008 c1 1Kneecap
I'm pressed for time, so I'm going to only review this atm :).
"And burn my eyes in cold water" - excellent contrast.
"I just want to skip until tomorrow can’t catch me" - also brilliant. I love the way you personified time.
"Riddle my bones with the radio
Lace my veins with crescendo" - that is absolutely outstanding imagery. I have an incredible love of the verb 'to riddle' and also a morbid fascination with bones.
"I just want to be like those bricks called my teeth
Sleep inside a cherry cavern
Conduct an orchestra of greed" - good imagery, but lacking any form of cohesion here. I don't know much about poetry, but those lines don't connect to one another - in the sense that when you speak them, it sounds disjointed and there's no real smooth flow, which, if this is a poem about dreaming, is what you should be aiming for, and would be very apt.
"I just want to swell like a birthday balloon
Meet the jaws of caustic mayhem
Sketch a garden on the moon" - also slightly jarring to the tongue :s But I must confess, the phrase 'caustic mayhem' is orgasmic.
"I just want the magic of ink in my skin
And spit shadows into cynics
And taste skeletal sin" - excellent flow and use of repetition (I like the repeating of the first line).
"I just want to color this night sky in fragments
Sew my eyelids shut
Tie my lashes in a knot" the 2nd and 3rd lines of this stanza are, I HOPE, using hyperbole. And it's used very effectively. There is a definite dream-like trance about this poem. Makes me think of the Sandman.
I'm not so sure about the last line though. It's a bit...meh-ish. It spoils the dream-like state of the poem, and not in the sense of a 'now you need to wake up' line, but in just an ewwie way.
Fantastic poem though. Your imagery is dazzling. I'm definitely favouriting this.
1KneecapI'm pressed for time, so I'm going to only review this atm :).
"And burn my eyes in cold water" - excellent contrast.
"I just want to skip until tomorrow can’t catch me" - also brilliant. I love the way you personified time.
"Riddle my bones with the radio
Lace my veins with crescendo" - that is absolutely outstanding imagery. I have an incredible love of the verb 'to riddle' and also a morbid fascination with bones.
"I just want to be like those bricks called my teeth
Sleep inside a cherry cavern
Conduct an orchestra of greed" - good imagery, but lacking any form of cohesion here. I don't know much about poetry, but those lines don't connect to one another - in the sense that when you speak them, it sounds disjointed and there's no real smooth flow, which, if this is a poem about dreaming, is what you should be aiming for, and would be very apt.
"I just want to swell like a birthday balloon
Meet the jaws of caustic mayhem
Sketch a garden on the moon" - also slightly jarring to the tongue :s But I must confess, the phrase 'caustic mayhem' is orgasmic.
"I just want the magic of ink in my skin
And spit shadows into cynics
And taste skeletal sin" - excellent flow and use of repetition (I like the repeating of the first line).
"I just want to color this night sky in fragments
Sew my eyelids shut
Tie my lashes in a knot" the 2nd and 3rd lines of this stanza are, I HOPE, using hyperbole. And it's used very effectively. There is a definite dream-like trance about this poem. Makes me think of the Sandman.
I'm not so sure about the last line though. It's a bit...meh-ish. It spoils the dream-like state of the poem, and not in the sense of a 'now you need to wake up' line, but in just an ewwie way.
Fantastic poem though. Your imagery is dazzling. I'm definitely favouriting this.
11/3/2008 c1 10zeropop
!
I super duper loved this.
it's so...
dream-land like
(which is what you were going for, i assume :P)
it reminds me of like, purple and pink fluffy clouds
and music notes and one of those dance floors that light up different coloured squares.
i danced on one of those last year,
it was unreal.
but i digress :P
"I just want to colour this night sky in fragments"
^ love that line.
EE!
i had a fabulous day
and seeing that you put out another awesometastic poem
made it even more great!
^_^_^_^_^_^
yay! :3
-jadee
10zeropop!
I super duper loved this.
it's so...
dream-land like
(which is what you were going for, i assume :P)
it reminds me of like, purple and pink fluffy clouds
and music notes and one of those dance floors that light up different coloured squares.
i danced on one of those last year,
it was unreal.
but i digress :P
"I just want to colour this night sky in fragments"
^ love that line.
EE!
i had a fabulous day
and seeing that you put out another awesometastic poem
made it even more great!
^_^_^_^_^_^
yay! :3
-jadee
11/3/2008 c1 1EllYouSeeWhy
oh intense. I really like the bit with 'lace my veins with crescendo', it reminds me of when I get all worked up and energetic and I listen to music and I have to dance or sing because I have such a huge urge to. That was interesting to read... it would roll nicely off my tounge if I wernt reading it in my head. :-]
1EllYouSeeWhyoh intense. I really like the bit with 'lace my veins with crescendo', it reminds me of when I get all worked up and energetic and I listen to music and I have to dance or sing because I have such a huge urge to. That was interesting to read... it would roll nicely off my tounge if I wernt reading it in my head. :-]