for The Sea11/8/2008 c1 
1Kneecap
"I liked that, that I could leave a bit of myself behind even if it was only a print. It’s like no matter where I go, what I do, I’ll always leave just a little part of myself behind for other people to see." - although that is a rather recycled idea, whenever I read lines like that, I feel moved. It was an excellent opening paragraph.
xD, you always describe really beautiful settings. GUTTED FOR YOU IF ONE OF YOUR CHARACTERS GETS DRUNK AND ENDS UP WAKING UP IN A DUMPSTER.
Peter with an 'i'? Odd name.
I loved the personification of the sea, that was stunning. Even though I don't fully agree with the romanticism of the ocean, I can see where your character is coming from, and I think you wrote that part really cleverly :).
Also: his only friend is his brother? Is that so...
"we could do naught" - ugh, no way. Too Shakespearian. That part is out of sync with the piece.
"the haze of tension grew thicker" - beautifully metaphysical.
But "the invisible black cloud" is just silly. It's a contradiction.
Well Gus' parents are fairly selfish...
YOUR CHARACTER HAS FLAWS. THIS IS MIRACULOUS. *High five*.
"halcyon" - that's a greek legend isn't it? A bird that nests on the sea and calms the waters?
Be careful of extending your sentences too much sometimes. Occasionally, you make one sentence out of what should be two. But I'm REALLY pleased with this so far. I've not seen even a quarter of the number of unnecessary adjectives that I was expecting to see! Did you take my advice on board or something!
Also, for earlier, well done on how you implied Pieter's death. You set yourself up so well that you didn't even need to be resolute about it, which fits in with your character.
The ending line was perfect. I don't really actually have much more to say about this. I think I'm going favourite it.
1Kneecap"I liked that, that I could leave a bit of myself behind even if it was only a print. It’s like no matter where I go, what I do, I’ll always leave just a little part of myself behind for other people to see." - although that is a rather recycled idea, whenever I read lines like that, I feel moved. It was an excellent opening paragraph.
xD, you always describe really beautiful settings. GUTTED FOR YOU IF ONE OF YOUR CHARACTERS GETS DRUNK AND ENDS UP WAKING UP IN A DUMPSTER.
Peter with an 'i'? Odd name.
I loved the personification of the sea, that was stunning. Even though I don't fully agree with the romanticism of the ocean, I can see where your character is coming from, and I think you wrote that part really cleverly :).
Also: his only friend is his brother? Is that so...
"we could do naught" - ugh, no way. Too Shakespearian. That part is out of sync with the piece.
"the haze of tension grew thicker" - beautifully metaphysical.
But "the invisible black cloud" is just silly. It's a contradiction.
Well Gus' parents are fairly selfish...
YOUR CHARACTER HAS FLAWS. THIS IS MIRACULOUS. *High five*.
"halcyon" - that's a greek legend isn't it? A bird that nests on the sea and calms the waters?
Be careful of extending your sentences too much sometimes. Occasionally, you make one sentence out of what should be two. But I'm REALLY pleased with this so far. I've not seen even a quarter of the number of unnecessary adjectives that I was expecting to see! Did you take my advice on board or something!
Also, for earlier, well done on how you implied Pieter's death. You set yourself up so well that you didn't even need to be resolute about it, which fits in with your character.
The ending line was perfect. I don't really actually have much more to say about this. I think I'm going favourite it.