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for If This Were a Fairytale

1/27/2009 c4 Minniewhinnie
like this so far:). And I am really happy that finley and her siblings get along:D
1/21/2009 c1 Joey
this was an extremely nice light hearted read, so thanks for writing it!

I can understand why Camden might not be your top three, but maybe he could be since i didn't really get to see him in this story.

i understand that a nanowrimo story would be hard to develop in great detail, but a little more depth with Camden would have made me like him much more as the hero.

I liked Finn because i thought she was very strong. although i guess not strong enough to do something about her life but shes made it so far already so i admire her. it takes strength to do what she has and it takes another kind of strength to report her mother, and i guess i would've liked to see Camden give her that strength, but he didn't. instead she just let things come to her as if she knew it would. it would've been nice to see her acquire that strength herself through knowing Camden or something.

anyway, nice story keep writing!

joey
1/20/2009 c19 sesh
This was seriously a beautiful story and very well written. I loved it!
1/16/2009 c1 2poppiesinoctober
I am absolutely in LOVE with Sylvia Plath.

My favorite poems by her are Poppies in October, Mirrors, and Daddy.

And, wow, I really must be filling your inbox with lots of stuff.

Ha.

Sorry!
1/15/2009 c4 2JD Allen
Ooh! I'm hooked! Love it so far!
1/14/2009 c19 1Hysterical Smiles
that was a really good story. I liked Camden but i'll read your other stories to see if i like them better(your top 3)

anyway, have fun writing that other story, i'll start reading it as soon as i can! :-D
1/9/2009 c19 3Jestry
M.

The main problem I have with this is that the characters are really flat.

Fin is just the quiet suffering girl (honestly, why DOESN'T she call the police?), Cam is her knight in shinning armor, the evil stepsisters, Ellie and Bess, are just plain cruel and evil. No one changes, no one has any depth, and honestly, a lot of the character relationships (especially Ellie/Cam) don't make any sense at all (at least, in my opinion).

But I understand that this was your Nano, and Nano's aren't exactly the deepest profoundest things we create. Besides, most fairy tale characters ARE pretty one dimensional, and you did a nice job modernizing that for us.

I loved the fairy tale references. Especially Max as the fairy god mother. (:
1/9/2009 c17 Jestry
UH.

I don't understand Ellie.

Camden obviously doesn't like her, so why does she even bother. She really doesn't seem like the type that would actually go hunt after boys. She seems like the type who would just sit there looking smug with that "come hither" face. I don't think she would like anyone who doesn't grovel at her feet, no matter how "dark and brooding" they are.

I'm also not seeing any of this so-called "popularity" that you keep bringing up. I know this is Camden and Fin's story, but you need to flesh out Cam's character if you really want him to work. Honestly, it seems like he has no friends other than Ellie (&gang) and Fin. That's not popularity.
1/9/2009 c15 Jestry
Hahah, love the fairy tale references.

Max is awesome. 'nuff said.

Xuan isn't a stereotypical Japanese name. I just thought you'd like to know. In fact, it blatantly screams CHINESE.

... yeah...
1/9/2009 c13 Jestry
Uh. Is Rita racist or something?

...

If Rita really didn't care about her daughter, wouldn't she let Fin do whatever the heck she wanted?
1/9/2009 c12 Jestry
Uhh.

...

I don't understand Cam and Ellie.

If Cam is so nice to Fin, so able to look beyond everything, then I don't understand why he would be friends with Ellie. Okay, so they've been friends since they were two. So?

I used to have friends in elementary school who I was really close to, and though they still live in the area, somehow they've drifted. People change. Knowing someone for a long time isn't exactly an excuse for knowing them well.

And Ellie? What does she see in Cam? He's definitely not the dark brooding type, despite what you said, from his behavior and interaction with Fin. Besides... she's not asian right? If she's not open-minded to accept a blind girl, then I don't really understand how she'd ever be open-minded enough to accept an asian guy. How can she like Cam but dislike Fin? That just... rubs at me the wrong way.
1/9/2009 c10 Jestry
Ellie feels really... one dimensional.

Maybe she's supposed to be the evil step sister, I can't see anyone being that outrightly cruel to Finley in her face, especially with Cam there.
1/9/2009 c9 Jestry
Uhh.

...

"She pressed her forehead to his chest, breathing in the familiar scent of his cologne. " This bothers me for some reason, because if it were familiar, then it should have been mentioned before, which I don't remember happening. Maybe I'm just unobservant.

Also, how the heck does her mom not notice Camden and his dad in the house around the dinner table eating ice cream and having a nice chat? I know she's drunk and all, but honestly, that's as unsubtle as you can get.
1/9/2009 c6 Jestry
Hey, neat idea, with the blind girl and fairy tale analogy.

Although, I don't know. I don't really particularly like the concept of the girl just waiting and waiting for her prince charming to come, and not actually doing anything herself.

I like how you described the girl, and I notice that although you haven't really used any sight descriptions, I've been following alright until now. In fact, I hardly noticed their absence. Nice.

You might want to be careful of the "if she could see, then she would have seen..." phrases. If this is from Finley's perspective, than, that's totally irrelevant. Also, sometimes you add things that I'm sure Finley wouldn't be able to see. Example, "“She does,” Debra piped up, grinning.". Finley can't see Debra grin. I know maybe Camden can, but it's not from his perspective, it's from Finleys, so I don't think visual stuff like that should even be in there.

Oh yeah. I like Camden, he's cool. Fictionpress romance is 99% white people, though I'm sure a lot of us aren't Caucasian. I think it's cool that he's Japanese, though his culture doesn't seem to affect this story at all because if weren't for his last name, then I wouldn't have ever known.

Alright. Done rambling. I'll proceed to finish reading this before giving you another ramble. So far so good. I like this. (:
1/8/2009 c19 kardula
I loved it! Seriously, it is a great and very sad story with a wonderful happy ending. :)

Take care.
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