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8/21/2016 c1 Guest
This is a story I have come back to and reread over the years. Adena and Damien are one of my favorite fictional couples and I love reading about them and how their relationship grows. If you ever wanted to come back and write more with this story, I think it would be great to read Damien's perspective of the story or even just certain chapters.
3/26/2016 c22 Guest
I just want to say I love how beautifully written this story is and how much I enjoy the story line. This is a story I keep coming back to every once in a while because I enjoy it so much.
11/5/2013 c22 8whatdotheydream
Wow. This was incredible! Your writing style is full of life, it's as if the characters are staring out at me from the pages. All throughout the day, I was bouncing on my heels, waiting for school to end so I could read this! .
4/17/2012 c22 friarhmn
Such a great story! I loved the idea, and you're really an amazing writer. But I really would've loved if you expanded the story of the rebellion, maybe add some backstory about Callyn or Rochester? I feel like the conclusion for that was a little rushed. Also, I was a little confused on how Tory escaped the building before it burned down..? Other than those couple of things, this was a great read. :)
10/2/2011 c22 witeaya
this had been an interesting read.

the earlier chapters have too long paragraphs that made me kinda lost interest at some points but i think the story has potential.

a rewrite or editing the story will do wonders to it.

oh, i think the sequel is about tory and ian. hope im right.
4/25/2011 c22 24Amethystars
Thanks for a great story, with such a satisfying conclusion. I only hope Thorns and Brambles will be as good - but I must wait until tomorrow night...
4/25/2011 c20 Guest
For the record, when I'm late to school because I stayed up until 3 in the morning reading this, I'm going to blame you.

But the story and the compelling characters make it worthwhile.

Thanks!
4/24/2011 c14 Amethystars
I'm in love with this story... it's unique and interesting and fantastic!
4/24/2011 c1 Amethystars
Wow... I just wanted to let you know what an amazing first chapter this is. All the backstory we need but still mysterious. I'm totally hooked!
2/2/2011 c4 4lookingwest
Even before reading this chapter, and after taking a peek at Chapter Four, I can say that I don't like the big paragraphs because of reasons I stated in the last few reviews. I think you definitley need to learn when to split them into smaller paragraphs and how you can use that to your advantage to help the average reader as far as pacing and also action-we get lost in big blocks like that, and it isn't a nice thing to do to the reader, and again, it can encourage skimming and losing your place. I'll try to find the places where you can split them into smaller paragraphs, and hopefully that will make it easier for you to be able to catch when you go through your own editing process.

There was but one lord...

-Edit: could start new paragraph here

They fell into one lengthy...

-Edit: start new paragraph here

After seeing that the carriage...

-Style: could omit "that"

Though his features were hidden...

-Edit: could start new paragraph here

They both shared an uncanny ability for fronts and facades.

-Style: not sure if "uncanny" is being used in the right context here

...approve of her "womanly snooping."

-Edit: period needs to be outside the quotations

"...what is considered normal in a marriage,"

-Edit: comma should be a period instead

"...but I wish… I want….""

-Edit: after "I want" omit one of the periods and omit the space afterwards so that it goes "I want...we cannot survive", I would also suggest using some dashes

Adena, however, was not content...

-Edit: would start a new paragraph here

All little girls, it seems, do, but...

-Edit: "do" should be "did" to stay in past tense

Her family's move from...

-Edit: would start new paragraph here

Alright, so, after reading through some of this up to this point, I really want to just recommend that you look at a different romance story on FP, it's called Little Light Gothic by Tawny Owl and it's in my favorites section. I'm not saying to review or anything like that, I'm just saying, take a look at it-because it's doing some of the things you're doing here with high society and with arranged marriages, and I think that you might find some inspiration from the main heroine in that novel-she's very strong and capable, and I'm not sure if I'm getting that completely from Adena. I don't like that she's so tied to a fairytale, it's just not practical... I don't like the message that it's sending, it's just not as progressive as I would hoping a modern day romance tale would be. The idea of waiting for some sort of prince charming to come along confines her to a gender construction and Adena plays into it a little too much for my tastes. And even when she does reject it later on, realizing that it is realistic, it's a bit too bitter-just one extreme to another. I want her to believe that you can love someone, but practically...she's just a very interesting romance heroine, haha. I'm having trouble pinning her down.

She danced with boy after boy...

-Edit: would start new paragraph here

Her most attractive dance partners...

-Edit: would start new paragraph here

There was not an eligible...

-Edit: would start new paragraph here

That was six years ago now.

-Style: would omit "now"

She looked out at the passing...

-Edit: start new paragraph here

Watching him, she felt...

-Edit: start new paragraph here

She knew, she knew...

-Edit: start new paragraph here

That time was long past, though.

-Edit: omit "though"

There were things that I liked about this chapter, the writing style itself was overall well done, I liked the precision and most of the editing was all for paragraph breaks. I liked getting into the character's personalities more and I especially enjoyed Adena's inner thoughts and reflections in those last paragraphs because they give us dimension about her past and her hopes and dreams, and even if they seem a bit trite and cheesy to me, I think to other readers you did a good job.
2/2/2011 c3 lookingwest
As she continued to scan the crowd...

-Edit: would start new paragraph here

Now left alone...

-Edit: could start new paragraph here

...she felt a sinking feeling at the loss of his presence.

-I don't like that Adena feels she must be dependent on her husband, though it's likely it's culturally true for the times, I just wish there was more role-model here for women-what is the message so far? To be dependent and miss when you don't have your husband around because you can't "lean" on him. :/

The women gossiping and sharing information was a boring scene, because I think you could have made it much more tense with all of these women of high class coming together, there's politics here, even in the realm of women, and it felt a little laid back for high society in such an era. There's definitley an art of conversation and I'm not sure it was captured there.

"Good evening, again, sir." she greeted him.

-Edit: omit the period and replace it with a comma

-Edit: I would change "greeted" to "said" because it's obvious she's greeting him just because she's speaking

"...wife in my absence." she heard his terse voice approach.

-Edit: omit the period after "absence and replace it with a comma, and I would just say "her husband said, approaching", this speaker tag errs on the side of purple prose.

"...the lower classes there…."

-Edit: omit fourth period

"It is a match upon which we both agreed." she said...

-Edit: replace period after "agreed" with a comma

Overall I liked seeing Adena out and about in this chapter, it gives us a better sense of her character, the background about Nataniel's late wife was intriguing and I think you revealed that in conversation well, as opposed to revealing it through description. Well done!
2/2/2011 c2 lookingwest
The biggest editing concrit about this chapter are the length paragraphs, especially the opening one, I think, though it may work in a novel, FP works a bit differently and if you use large block paragraphs it can risk turning the reader off or encourage skimming. I also think there can several paragraph breaks, and I'll try to point out where I think you can split them.

Nataniel Havener was certainly known for his extravagance...

-Edit: start new paragraph here

His face rose and fell dramatically...

-Edit: start new paragraph here

As he moved quickly, though, she found it hard stay off the delicate...

-Style: would remove "though"

he chastised his obviously...

-Edit: capitalize "He"

Again, I'd like to also mention that I believe the conversation here, and the speaker tags, can all mostly be simplified to "said", things like "intoned sarcastically" are distracting-I'd just simplify it to "sarcastically said" if you still want the "sarcasm" there, though we should be able to pick it up from the tone of the dialogue.

Overall, though the size of the first paragraph was a little overwhelming, I liked what you were doing in it to give a sense of the character Nataniel. I liked it because you gave us a full description of not only what he holds dear but also how he conducts himself with visitors and I think that gave us a good indication of his character and we got a bit of depth there that I enjoyed.

I also think you did a good job characterizing Damien through the dialogue and what he said and didn't say-I also liked the images that you created towards the end, and the lat paragraph resolve for Adena to keep her head high. Again, I like women characters who are strong and can act independent even in the confines of male dominated society, and if you're working with a Victorian sort of culture than you've taken a lot on your plate as far as gender relations and how the two act. I hope that Adena can rise to the occasion of being a strong role model for young women readers.
2/2/2011 c1 lookingwest
...until death part them.

-Edit: I get the tone that you want with this line, but "part" is in present tense and it should be in past, and I think it should stay as "until death parted them".

This opening felt similar to the one in Thorns and Brambles in the sense that you have two introduced characters, one a woman, the other a man. That being said, I love the mystery surrounding the young woman again, because it makes me want to continue reading and also because I think it was one of the best moments in the chapter when it was simply written "Until she disappeared." The sentence immediately after it, "For months, she remained so." was a little awkward just because it ended on "so", and I'm wondering if perhaps there might be a less awkward sentence to mean the same thing, but other than that, I just adored that moment.

The man is very unlike Ian too, and he seems more intellectual and not the strong muscular Romance Novel Fabio that Ian comes off as-so I like that too, and his impersonality towards the daughter of Duke Vilonia will make for some later interesting character dynamics. I think both of them have been introduced uniquely, and I do like the parallel of this with the opening of Thorns and Brambles.
2/2/2011 c4 5Rainbow35
I liked the explanation as to why Adena liked reading, because it took a detail I already liked and expanded on it, and kind of added another dimension to it. I also liked the way she'd tried to make Damien talk to her, because it shows that she's not the type of person to not try. I also liked the way he responded so vaguely and confusingly, it added to the mystery of it all.
2/2/2011 c3 Rainbow35
I liked that there was more dialogue in this chapter as opposed to description, because it's more interesting to read. I also liked the way that it's a big mystery how Damien and Adena got together, because it makes me curious to find out.
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