for William1/17/2011 c2 
7Liya Smith
I really enjoyed this. It was an overall very clever two chapters, although I am curious about her weaponry too. I hope you do include something about them in future chapters!
7Liya SmithI really enjoyed this. It was an overall very clever two chapters, although I am curious about her weaponry too. I hope you do include something about them in future chapters!
12/26/2009 c2 1RetardedChicken
Love this story, you got a good sense of humour XD anyways UPDATE SOON!
1RetardedChickenLove this story, you got a good sense of humour XD anyways UPDATE SOON!
10/24/2009 c2 Xx-Angel-of-Shadows-xX
Ah, loved this chpter, and didn't see any mistakes either! Great description, and nice humour as well.
Well done, and update soon!
~Star~
Ah, loved this chpter, and didn't see any mistakes either! Great description, and nice humour as well.
Well done, and update soon!
~Star~
10/24/2009 c1 Xx-Angel-of-Shadows-xX
Okay, good beginning, I enjoyed this, and looking forward to reviewing the next chapter.
Minor critique, just a typo, I guess,
"I was a used to this routine..." Sorry, that confused me slightly, but I think that's about it.
Apart from that, well done!
~Star~
Okay, good beginning, I enjoyed this, and looking forward to reviewing the next chapter.
Minor critique, just a typo, I guess,
"I was a used to this routine..." Sorry, that confused me slightly, but I think that's about it.
Apart from that, well done!
~Star~
10/23/2009 c1 13Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu
Herro there. Hope ya remember me. :) Anyway, this is a good starting chapter with a random kidnapping as a start. All in all the pace was very well done and I like William's retelling part of his past with Stefanie even though it's pretty brief. Anyway, I've got nothing much to say here since the chapter itself was short in length and contents with only two parts making up the whole chapter, but I'll have to admit that the kidnapping part actually made me go blur. It's like I know what's going on, but I'll have to read the second part on William's POV in order to understand that Stefanie was saved by Johnson. It's like you did quite well with the thugs in the first part, but when it was nearing the end where Johnson was supposed to save her, the whole scene just went super hazy in such a way that if not for William's part of the story, I would have either got the wrong idea or absoluely lost in the process. So yes, you really need to input a certain detailed account on the rescue job. Apart from that, nothing much to say.
P.S: Pay back via The Eternal Grail. :)
-From The Roadhouse. :)
13Tsumujikaze no SoujutsuHerro there. Hope ya remember me. :) Anyway, this is a good starting chapter with a random kidnapping as a start. All in all the pace was very well done and I like William's retelling part of his past with Stefanie even though it's pretty brief. Anyway, I've got nothing much to say here since the chapter itself was short in length and contents with only two parts making up the whole chapter, but I'll have to admit that the kidnapping part actually made me go blur. It's like I know what's going on, but I'll have to read the second part on William's POV in order to understand that Stefanie was saved by Johnson. It's like you did quite well with the thugs in the first part, but when it was nearing the end where Johnson was supposed to save her, the whole scene just went super hazy in such a way that if not for William's part of the story, I would have either got the wrong idea or absoluely lost in the process. So yes, you really need to input a certain detailed account on the rescue job. Apart from that, nothing much to say.
P.S: Pay back via The Eternal Grail. :)
-From The Roadhouse. :)
10/23/2009 c2 1xenolith
hahaha *snort*
She's pretty damn great. Still sad you don't have more to this yet, but I'm sure you'll get a round toit in your own time. I liked the little description of William, it showed how she feels about him and made me even more keen to learn about their relationship and backstory. Great work, keep at it, happy writing :)
1xenolithhahaha *snort*
She's pretty damn great. Still sad you don't have more to this yet, but I'm sure you'll get a round toit in your own time. I liked the little description of William, it showed how she feels about him and made me even more keen to learn about their relationship and backstory. Great work, keep at it, happy writing :)
10/22/2009 c1 xenolith
Oh my goodness, I absolutely adore this! The idea, the characters, the style and even the formating of this first chapter, it was spot on. I'm so interested it's nuts! Come on, put up the next chapter already :)
Oh my goodness, I absolutely adore this! The idea, the characters, the style and even the formating of this first chapter, it was spot on. I'm so interested it's nuts! Come on, put up the next chapter already :)
10/22/2009 c1 10Tegh
You have nothing to worry about. The story thus far was written very well, minus the few grammatical errors and misplaced words.
The opening was great and hooked the reader almost immediately. It was resolved incredibly quickly though and I feel it may have left the readers in more suspense if you had switched to Williams side before reveling that he had been the one that had ultimately saved her. Prolong the tension as it where and keep the reader constantly trying to figure out what will happen to her all the while telling what led up to it.
Over all I like the story and the cocept and beleive it will make for a great story, and I hope to see more.
10TeghYou have nothing to worry about. The story thus far was written very well, minus the few grammatical errors and misplaced words.
The opening was great and hooked the reader almost immediately. It was resolved incredibly quickly though and I feel it may have left the readers in more suspense if you had switched to Williams side before reveling that he had been the one that had ultimately saved her. Prolong the tension as it where and keep the reader constantly trying to figure out what will happen to her all the while telling what led up to it.
Over all I like the story and the cocept and beleive it will make for a great story, and I hope to see more.
10/22/2009 c1 6Devil's Playground
The idea itself is intriguing, and the story is very well written. I could feel Stefanie's fear vividly as you described it. The opening was also a strong hook and drew me in right away, which is great! You started it at the perfect time.
William's description of the background info was a little dull, but honestly, there's not much that can be done to fix it - it's information you need to get across and there isn't really a better way to do that. One thing that I think you should have quoted directly rather than paraphrasing was the "battle of wits" after they meant. It would be a lot stronger if you actually noted what was said, even just a few specific lines. Furthermore, it would help give the reader a better senese of the two characters.
Some errors I picked up on:
If I was going to get out. - Sentence fragment
the sidekick have me a chill - have should be gave
And before I saw her for the first time. - another fragment
Overall, I really enjoyed this, and would love to read more of it.
6Devil's PlaygroundThe idea itself is intriguing, and the story is very well written. I could feel Stefanie's fear vividly as you described it. The opening was also a strong hook and drew me in right away, which is great! You started it at the perfect time.
William's description of the background info was a little dull, but honestly, there's not much that can be done to fix it - it's information you need to get across and there isn't really a better way to do that. One thing that I think you should have quoted directly rather than paraphrasing was the "battle of wits" after they meant. It would be a lot stronger if you actually noted what was said, even just a few specific lines. Furthermore, it would help give the reader a better senese of the two characters.
Some errors I picked up on:
If I was going to get out. - Sentence fragment
the sidekick have me a chill - have should be gave
And before I saw her for the first time. - another fragment
Overall, I really enjoyed this, and would love to read more of it.
10/22/2009 c1 21Aiko-Moon
Ok, so far this is fairly interesting. I personally like that it is going to be a romance fic. I'm a sucker for those. But in anycase, i really enjoy reading what you have so fr. i wish i would have read what you had before you revised it. I'm genuanly interested in the changes that were made.
Not many grammer problems, I should know. I suck at them. There was one part though, were I think you were saying "as", but instead you put "a."
Overall, very cool. I can't wait to read more into this realtionship.
oh and how old is William, I'm curious as to why he digs 19 year olds. lol
21Aiko-MoonOk, so far this is fairly interesting. I personally like that it is going to be a romance fic. I'm a sucker for those. But in anycase, i really enjoy reading what you have so fr. i wish i would have read what you had before you revised it. I'm genuanly interested in the changes that were made.
Not many grammer problems, I should know. I suck at them. There was one part though, were I think you were saying "as", but instead you put "a."
Overall, very cool. I can't wait to read more into this realtionship.
oh and how old is William, I'm curious as to why he digs 19 year olds. lol
10/3/2009 c1 9Narq
Hehe, I loved this. I have just finished studying biology and your evolution, mutation and blah just clicked into me. LOL!
I like your characters. This is just a small chapter but its stunning what you did with them and how real they are. I have trouble doing that in the first chapter; mine usually become more 3D after a couple of chapters...
Great work!
Narq.
9NarqHehe, I loved this. I have just finished studying biology and your evolution, mutation and blah just clicked into me. LOL!
I like your characters. This is just a small chapter but its stunning what you did with them and how real they are. I have trouble doing that in the first chapter; mine usually become more 3D after a couple of chapters...
Great work!
Narq.
9/23/2009 c5 Tawny Owl
Beating William into a verbal pulp – loved that image.
Brilliant. And a glimpse at Stephanie’s past . Was it her dad who played around? I’m guessing she’s too young to be in a position to commit adultery already. Although when we get on to the abuse it does make me wonder who was doing it?
And the need to destroy – that line tells us a lot about her too, and makes her seem much more complex than just another feisty heroine. I hope that’s something that gets explored more in the future. And the attack? Even more intriguing. The repetition of he wouldn’t hurt me as well is really well weighed. Especially because of the last one after she’s opened her eyes. And the way you balanced the whole loving him but not wanting to was really good as well. It really made me feel close to how she felt.
“No, you’re going to act like you hate me in the morning.” Best line. It would have been good to know what William is up to when they’re talking as well. You mention he leans down, but is he still standing, sitting on the bed, is there a chair. If he’s the focus of her attention it would make sense that she was more aware of him.
Beating William into a verbal pulp – loved that image.
Brilliant. And a glimpse at Stephanie’s past . Was it her dad who played around? I’m guessing she’s too young to be in a position to commit adultery already. Although when we get on to the abuse it does make me wonder who was doing it?
And the need to destroy – that line tells us a lot about her too, and makes her seem much more complex than just another feisty heroine. I hope that’s something that gets explored more in the future. And the attack? Even more intriguing. The repetition of he wouldn’t hurt me as well is really well weighed. Especially because of the last one after she’s opened her eyes. And the way you balanced the whole loving him but not wanting to was really good as well. It really made me feel close to how she felt.
“No, you’re going to act like you hate me in the morning.” Best line. It would have been good to know what William is up to when they’re talking as well. You mention he leans down, but is he still standing, sitting on the bed, is there a chair. If he’s the focus of her attention it would make sense that she was more aware of him.
9/15/2009 c4 Tawny Owl
Short and sweet chapter. It’s nice to see more of Johnson, although I’m guessing he’s going to take a back seat for a while. I like secondary characters that are interesting. Especially in romance stories because they tend to get over looked and not fleshed out enough.
And he keeps dogs? I had to read it a couple of times because you mentioned attack dogs and then Johnson being worried about taking care of them which didn’t quite make sense until I realised they were different dogs. Have I got that right?
William is very dry as well. The ‘touching’ at the end was very dry. It gave the impression that he definitely enjoys the banter between them.
Short and sweet chapter. It’s nice to see more of Johnson, although I’m guessing he’s going to take a back seat for a while. I like secondary characters that are interesting. Especially in romance stories because they tend to get over looked and not fleshed out enough.
And he keeps dogs? I had to read it a couple of times because you mentioned attack dogs and then Johnson being worried about taking care of them which didn’t quite make sense until I realised they were different dogs. Have I got that right?
William is very dry as well. The ‘touching’ at the end was very dry. It gave the impression that he definitely enjoys the banter between them.
9/15/2009 c3 Tawny Owl
Oh, your short chapters are a pain. I feel like I just get into it and then they stop. I’m seriously loving the banter though. Although you could do with bulking it out a bit more to let us know how they say things and what they’re doing. Have I said that already. Seriously though, it is very good dialogue. And Johnson is striking me as nice, quietly humorous guy, which is a nice contrast to the largeness of him.
I’m curious though, do we get to find out what’s in the handbag?
Oh, your short chapters are a pain. I feel like I just get into it and then they stop. I’m seriously loving the banter though. Although you could do with bulking it out a bit more to let us know how they say things and what they’re doing. Have I said that already. Seriously though, it is very good dialogue. And Johnson is striking me as nice, quietly humorous guy, which is a nice contrast to the largeness of him.
I’m curious though, do we get to find out what’s in the handbag?
9/10/2009 c2 Tawny Owl
Thanks for the double review – how’d the cake turn out?
I liked the comment about observing the sharpness of her nails. It made me think of a casual inspection, but very calculating as well.
Really she’s in weapons development but doesn’t sell anyone things for mass destruction? I suppose that kind of make sense – but how does she know what they’re doing with it. There’s an interesting ethical element there that I hadn’t thought of. I’m liking Stefanie’s sarcasm though. And the fact that she can find the idea of her current situation exciting and exotic but still realise that the actual reality is scary.
And William seems to be more of a looker than I thought at first – the attitude makes me think he’s a bit of a bad boy as well. This could be interesting….
Thanks for the double review – how’d the cake turn out?
I liked the comment about observing the sharpness of her nails. It made me think of a casual inspection, but very calculating as well.
Really she’s in weapons development but doesn’t sell anyone things for mass destruction? I suppose that kind of make sense – but how does she know what they’re doing with it. There’s an interesting ethical element there that I hadn’t thought of. I’m liking Stefanie’s sarcasm though. And the fact that she can find the idea of her current situation exciting and exotic but still realise that the actual reality is scary.
And William seems to be more of a looker than I thought at first – the attitude makes me think he’s a bit of a bad boy as well. This could be interesting….