for Adjustable Nose Job Barbie1/15/2009 c1 
102Midnight In Eden
First of all I have to say that I really enjoyed the essence of this piece, the story behind it and a lot of your execution. I do have some nitpicks but I get the feeling that this is rough and I think with polishing could be one of those left-field brilliant poems.
I'm not sure about the two line breaks where you break the words meningococcal and underneath. I think, if anything, the former works better but aesthetically I have an issue with the capital letters at the beginning of the line. That's one of my biggest problems with this poem (so kudos on that because it's fairly minor). I would love for you to only use capitals for proper nouns and the first word of a sentence, not the first word of a line. I think that makes this look oddly archaic when really, the content is exceedingly contemporary.
I also think you can pare a few phrases down. The more succinct this poem is, the more punch it has. For example, I don't think you need the repetition of "she roams the streets" in the fifth stanza and in the second "two shades lighter/than her natural skin" doesn't really need the "natural", it's already implied in the sentence. Also, in that stanza "coat" and "frame" should be "coats" and "frames" just to keep the grammar even =]
Finally, I love your last stanza. Brutal and brilliant. I am wondering about the "but" of the "But once you do" phrase. It seems somewhat contradictory to the previous lines but I don't think "and" would do.
Still, this is an intriguing poem with bucketloads of potential. Polish it up, refine some of your images and perhaps look at longer lines. I'd love love love to see an edit of this.
Midnight
102Midnight In EdenFirst of all I have to say that I really enjoyed the essence of this piece, the story behind it and a lot of your execution. I do have some nitpicks but I get the feeling that this is rough and I think with polishing could be one of those left-field brilliant poems.
I'm not sure about the two line breaks where you break the words meningococcal and underneath. I think, if anything, the former works better but aesthetically I have an issue with the capital letters at the beginning of the line. That's one of my biggest problems with this poem (so kudos on that because it's fairly minor). I would love for you to only use capitals for proper nouns and the first word of a sentence, not the first word of a line. I think that makes this look oddly archaic when really, the content is exceedingly contemporary.
I also think you can pare a few phrases down. The more succinct this poem is, the more punch it has. For example, I don't think you need the repetition of "she roams the streets" in the fifth stanza and in the second "two shades lighter/than her natural skin" doesn't really need the "natural", it's already implied in the sentence. Also, in that stanza "coat" and "frame" should be "coats" and "frames" just to keep the grammar even =]
Finally, I love your last stanza. Brutal and brilliant. I am wondering about the "but" of the "But once you do" phrase. It seems somewhat contradictory to the previous lines but I don't think "and" would do.
Still, this is an intriguing poem with bucketloads of potential. Polish it up, refine some of your images and perhaps look at longer lines. I'd love love love to see an edit of this.
Midnight
12/27/2008 c1 54wishing.on.echoes
It's scary wondering if you were ever that girl.
This is beautifully written.
54wishing.on.echoesIt's scary wondering if you were ever that girl.
This is beautifully written.
12/20/2008 c1 97rust phoenix
I really like this piece. The title in itself is wonderful, and it fits the poem perfectly. I love how every stanza is so different, but they fit together to paint such a vivid picture. I thought the juxtaposition of childishness (in the first two stanzas, the "child-like scribbles" of eyeliner, the needing someone to tell her not to share drinks) and sexual themes was very well done and rings true. Strong character sketch of someone who grew up too fast and yet didn't really grow up at all, and definitely relevant and realistic.
Thank you for the reviews. They are some of my favorite I have ever received. Sorry it took me so long to return them.
97rust phoenixI really like this piece. The title in itself is wonderful, and it fits the poem perfectly. I love how every stanza is so different, but they fit together to paint such a vivid picture. I thought the juxtaposition of childishness (in the first two stanzas, the "child-like scribbles" of eyeliner, the needing someone to tell her not to share drinks) and sexual themes was very well done and rings true. Strong character sketch of someone who grew up too fast and yet didn't really grow up at all, and definitely relevant and realistic.
Thank you for the reviews. They are some of my favorite I have ever received. Sorry it took me so long to return them.
11/22/2008 c1 38Thoth Tarot
love it! every single stanza was really on the dot about these barbie girls. i live in a student place and every night all i see are barbie girls with their barbie tights underneath those small to nonexistent hotpants on a bitterly cold night. got to love them though in a weird way, i think that they are the necessary decoration for every town around!
comes in a box impossible to open, really? no depth of character? or just to get into bed?
38Thoth Tarotlove it! every single stanza was really on the dot about these barbie girls. i live in a student place and every night all i see are barbie girls with their barbie tights underneath those small to nonexistent hotpants on a bitterly cold night. got to love them though in a weird way, i think that they are the necessary decoration for every town around!
comes in a box impossible to open, really? no depth of character? or just to get into bed?
11/22/2008 c1 871no.peace.los.angeles
For some reason, I really liked the bit about the foundation being two shades lighter than her skin. The chocolate lipstick worked, too, but you should have used "coats" instead of "coat." Minor nitpick. And I really liked that roaming the streets in twos and threes and fives, too. Random, but I like random. Interesting poem overall. Keep writing! :)
871no.peace.los.angelesFor some reason, I really liked the bit about the foundation being two shades lighter than her skin. The chocolate lipstick worked, too, but you should have used "coats" instead of "coat." Minor nitpick. And I really liked that roaming the streets in twos and threes and fives, too. Random, but I like random. Interesting poem overall. Keep writing! :)
11/20/2008 c1 heart'sespionage
"“Don’t share drinks,” she’s always told,
But no one ever tells her that
If she sticks her tongue down
One too many boys’ throats
She may contract mening-
Ococcal too."
the irony here is very good, we get a sense that people aren't really telling her like it really is. i think your word choice is very colorful and it fits very well with everything going on in the poem.
"Now she roams the streets,
She roams the streets in
Twos and threes
And fives,"
i feel like with this part you didn't have to repeat how she roams the streets, it can just be simplified to
"now she roams the streets,
in twos and threes
and fives,"
but it doesn't detract from the poem that much and i feel like you did an amazing job with this, i like where you took it.
"“Don’t share drinks,” she’s always told,
But no one ever tells her that
If she sticks her tongue down
One too many boys’ throats
She may contract mening-
Ococcal too."
the irony here is very good, we get a sense that people aren't really telling her like it really is. i think your word choice is very colorful and it fits very well with everything going on in the poem.
"Now she roams the streets,
She roams the streets in
Twos and threes
And fives,"
i feel like with this part you didn't have to repeat how she roams the streets, it can just be simplified to
"now she roams the streets,
in twos and threes
and fives,"
but it doesn't detract from the poem that much and i feel like you did an amazing job with this, i like where you took it.
11/20/2008 c1 Carus
Hi this is my in depth review to you because of rule 10...
Flow - I really enjoyed the way you've written this where you break off into the next line, sometime splitting up a word ('Under-
Neath her '). I think it works really well to show the fractured image of the barbie doll girl.
Technical aspects - Overall, the punctuation in this poem worked really well to create an effect or to emphasise a point. I also like the way you've capitalised every first letter of the first word in a line - it adds to the fractured feel of the poem with the added bonus of making the reader think more about the previous line.
Stanzas - I think that this poem was organised beautifully. Even though each stanza describes a slighly different aspect of the barbie than the one before, you've still used enjambement between the stanzas which really links the whole thing together. My favourite stana is the fifth one, especially the lines 'She roams the strees in/ Twos and threes/ And fives,'. I love that because it shows how society is moulding into being made up of people who all dress the same, act the same, think the same...
Subject - I really liked the concept of this poem. It really makes the reader consider the implications of everyone trying to conform to the same ideals. Phrases in your poem like 'Milky, dry persona' and 'crumbly chocolate lipstick/ coat her cracked lips' really show the downside to making yourself the same as everyone else.
Enjoyment - As you have probably guessed, I really enjoyed reading and analysing this poem. I also really love your style of writing, it's very different from conventional poetry and you can tell it comes from the heart.
-Amy
Hi this is my in depth review to you because of rule 10...
Flow - I really enjoyed the way you've written this where you break off into the next line, sometime splitting up a word ('Under-
Neath her '). I think it works really well to show the fractured image of the barbie doll girl.
Technical aspects - Overall, the punctuation in this poem worked really well to create an effect or to emphasise a point. I also like the way you've capitalised every first letter of the first word in a line - it adds to the fractured feel of the poem with the added bonus of making the reader think more about the previous line.
Stanzas - I think that this poem was organised beautifully. Even though each stanza describes a slighly different aspect of the barbie than the one before, you've still used enjambement between the stanzas which really links the whole thing together. My favourite stana is the fifth one, especially the lines 'She roams the strees in/ Twos and threes/ And fives,'. I love that because it shows how society is moulding into being made up of people who all dress the same, act the same, think the same...
Subject - I really liked the concept of this poem. It really makes the reader consider the implications of everyone trying to conform to the same ideals. Phrases in your poem like 'Milky, dry persona' and 'crumbly chocolate lipstick/ coat her cracked lips' really show the downside to making yourself the same as everyone else.
Enjoyment - As you have probably guessed, I really enjoyed reading and analysing this poem. I also really love your style of writing, it's very different from conventional poetry and you can tell it comes from the heart.
-Amy