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for Fateful Fall

1/10/2010 c6 99Dreamers-Requiem
Poor Nikki. Again, really good chapters. Ratch and Rashad are really good characters, and the relationship between Nikki and Rock is quite easy to relate to. I also love the way the characters interact with each other, especially Chelsea and Nikki - I think you've done really well to show how the girls are slightly different when its just those two, and the way they kind of look out for each other.
1/9/2010 c4 Dreamers-Requiem
That was so sweet; really romantic. I loved those chapters, the relationship between Rock and Nikki is really well written, and I think you've done it in a very believeable way.
1/7/2010 c2 Dreamers-Requiem
Poor Nikki. She's a great character, and I found myself liking her from the first line. I love the way this is going, and it's really well written too.

Just confused over one bit -

"She was bad for a white girl, but she wasn’t too much for me to look at."

Is that meant to be 'wasn't'? Just wondering about that.
2/8/2009 c2 criti-sized
Dumb short? I laughed hard as hell at that expression. This chapter showed a bit more into what may happen, of course it showed when they met a second time, not the first, lol. I like Nikki's attitude, being rude to cover up emotions or thoughts is a realistic reaction, and I like that the story seems real.

2/8/2009 c1 criti-sized
The first chapter was very nice. I liked how you changed from the narration to Nikki and Jeremy's POV's, and with warning at that, lol. Not much can be determined about their relationship right now, except that they really like each other and can't express it, I think.

Great chapter.

1/30/2009 c1 1Engineer of Words
And so it begins.

Props to you, first and foremost, for being mechanically sound. It's amazing how much there is on this site that isn't even structured grammatically correct. But I expected nothing less from you.

The opening dialogue conveys well that the relationship between Nikki and Rock is rather... complicated, to say the least. Further reading is required, but so far it's interesting.

I'm not sure exactly what to think about the mini-biographies wedged in the middle of the chapter there. Wouldn't recommend it, per se, but you pulled it off so I'm not complaining.

Keep on keeping on.
1/29/2009 c1 11Fights-With-Words
Even reading through the first chapter for actual grammatical errors like I was, I only saw one little typo:

[I damn sure won't ready to love nobody when I met her, but her eyes did me in.]

I'm just guessing that was supposed to be 'wasn't', and that's all I found.

I like the format here:

Starting with the phone call, and everything in third person then moving into the narratives from Rock and Nikki that gives a little more backstory while also putting in some detail on each of their personalities.

It's different, and a good two steps from the norm.

This is an awesome start, and I have a feeling I'll enjoy the rest of it when I read it too.
1/24/2009 c1 109ADSpencer
So far in the story, all I know is that these to have fallen hard. However, it does keep my interest enough for me to move on to the next chapters.

What I like most about this story is that you keep individual characters individual. It's easy to fall into cookie cutter characters, but I think your monologues helped you keep these two characters distinct. Monologues in the middle of chapters might be strange in regular fiction (and might get you weird feedback sometimes), but in young adult, I think it works splendidly: the younger the reader, the less patience (in general) they have for characters. So, it's good that you gave readers a chance to get into their heads early on. It also works well as a hook for your first chapter. It will be interesting to see how these monologues work out later in the story.

The only con I can see about this chapter is a slight lack of description in the two scenes surrounding the monologues. You have great, developed voices, but I think you could put a little more into the actual setting/character actions. I'm not saying add a paragraph of description on one character's outfit, though,just ease in a few descriptive moments...if it's helpful for you.

Anyhow, nicely done. I'll try to get around to reading the other chapters later on; right now, brunch calls.
11/23/2008 c2 Delaney Promises
So the little monologues in the middle are gonna be a continuing thing? That's cool, gives a different perspective on the situation. I'm really liking how all of the characters are starting to flesh out, and it'll be interested to see how this all plays out
11/23/2008 c1 Delaney Promises
The phone call was somewhat hard to follow at first, but after a while you catch on. I like the interjection in the middle of the phone call, gives you a nice background to who these people are and makes everything easier to understand. Overall nice job, I'm gonna keep reading.
11/23/2008 c2 2PocketofChange
Okay, so I really, really dig how you are doing this. Its very original to have the characters put in their two cents in the middle of you chapter. I likey! And, I cannot, I repeat, cannot wait for your next chapter!

Keep up the GREAT work!

8) PocketofChange
11/21/2008 c1 5K. Molle
you have a good start! and for the most part you kept your paragraphs short and sweet; me likey. The only part I didn't like is when you went into the little self monologes

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