for The Labyrinth12/14/2008 c2 
4B. J. Winters
You start with the stomach rumbling - but I didn't understand the second sentence: Someone entered her belly. (someone-who?). I actually think the image would be more powerful if you substitute that with another sentence you had farther down:She’s leading me to my meal. Or maybe. Finally, my doom. That would complete the image and tie the foreshadowing and chapter transition tighter.
They’ve been getting stronger. (the reader might feel more connection here is you used something other than a pronoun - perhaps "the beasts" or "my enemies" - as a stand alone sentence I would have preferred a more definitive noun). And i'd move up the Each time their armor gets thicker sentence to stand beside this - complete the thought with the "why" image.
And then the "human race is getting stronger" would be nicely juxtaposed - it you leave this as they - its unclear.
I liked the imagery - it's written like a fable and clear in the point of view and the heros perspective.
I wasn;t sure if you meant "I am a demon" literally or figuratively. The ending might need another sentence or two to drive the point home.
Overall, good read.
4B. J. WintersYou start with the stomach rumbling - but I didn't understand the second sentence: Someone entered her belly. (someone-who?). I actually think the image would be more powerful if you substitute that with another sentence you had farther down:She’s leading me to my meal. Or maybe. Finally, my doom. That would complete the image and tie the foreshadowing and chapter transition tighter.
They’ve been getting stronger. (the reader might feel more connection here is you used something other than a pronoun - perhaps "the beasts" or "my enemies" - as a stand alone sentence I would have preferred a more definitive noun). And i'd move up the Each time their armor gets thicker sentence to stand beside this - complete the thought with the "why" image.
And then the "human race is getting stronger" would be nicely juxtaposed - it you leave this as they - its unclear.
I liked the imagery - it's written like a fable and clear in the point of view and the heros perspective.
I wasn;t sure if you meant "I am a demon" literally or figuratively. The ending might need another sentence or two to drive the point home.
Overall, good read.
11/26/2008 c2 4Decoris Verbum
I usually don't pefer such short chapters for intros, but in this piece they really seem to make sense. Some of the writing was, again, obscure, mainly due to the surplus of commas. Otherwise, nice job intorducing it from another perspective. Keep going with this story!
Happy writing,
-DV-
4Decoris VerbumI usually don't pefer such short chapters for intros, but in this piece they really seem to make sense. Some of the writing was, again, obscure, mainly due to the surplus of commas. Otherwise, nice job intorducing it from another perspective. Keep going with this story!
Happy writing,
-DV-
11/26/2008 c1 Decoris Verbum
Oh, this was an amazing introduction. It really makes me want to read more. Great description, maybe even borderline dubious...? I don't know. You should really update more...some of these stories were posted last January! Ah well, we all have our particular pace. I actually didn't mind that this chap was a bit short, because it fulfilled its purpose of identifying the Hunter. I liked the last sentence. It all summed it up. Nice job.
Onto the next chap!
-DV-
Oh, this was an amazing introduction. It really makes me want to read more. Great description, maybe even borderline dubious...? I don't know. You should really update more...some of these stories were posted last January! Ah well, we all have our particular pace. I actually didn't mind that this chap was a bit short, because it fulfilled its purpose of identifying the Hunter. I liked the last sentence. It all summed it up. Nice job.
Onto the next chap!
-DV-
11/26/2008 c2 Carus
Lovelovelove this! I'm so glad you're continuing it. I like the way you've changed from the victim's POV to the Beast's. And of course I like the description of the senses =]
Very good.
-Amy
Lovelovelove this! I'm so glad you're continuing it. I like the way you've changed from the victim's POV to the Beast's. And of course I like the description of the senses =]
Very good.
-Amy
11/25/2008 c1 4B. J. Winters
The premise is clear and the descriptions were good. I had a distinct picture in my mind of the setting in particular. Your use of vocabulary is effective.
I think you could have more plot in this opening chapter. I wanted to do more than just enter and see. The stage was set - I wanted to at least have an opening line. I guess I have to ask (if the chapters will be equally short) why you don't just write this as a 5-60 word one-shot.
typo: Deep and bellowing, it echoed of the cave walls, as they fluctuated and glowed. {off - and I think this would be clearer rephrased, the "it" is a bit odd}
typo: My mind new what I must do, but my body wouldn’t move, frozen by fear {knew}
The formating is odd - I think there may be some paragraph breaks that need spaces. On the other hand I could see this being an intentional style to heighten the feeling of action/stress (although it's tough to read).
Interested to see Chapter 2
4B. J. WintersThe premise is clear and the descriptions were good. I had a distinct picture in my mind of the setting in particular. Your use of vocabulary is effective.
I think you could have more plot in this opening chapter. I wanted to do more than just enter and see. The stage was set - I wanted to at least have an opening line. I guess I have to ask (if the chapters will be equally short) why you don't just write this as a 5-60 word one-shot.
typo: Deep and bellowing, it echoed of the cave walls, as they fluctuated and glowed. {off - and I think this would be clearer rephrased, the "it" is a bit odd}
typo: My mind new what I must do, but my body wouldn’t move, frozen by fear {knew}
The formating is odd - I think there may be some paragraph breaks that need spaces. On the other hand I could see this being an intentional style to heighten the feeling of action/stress (although it's tough to read).
Interested to see Chapter 2
11/23/2008 c1 Carus
"I wanted to move. I needed to move. My body disagreed" and "I was clutching the ball of my hilt as though it was going to grow wings and fly away if I didn’t hold on tight enough" are my favourite lines/sentences of this story. I really like the imagery you painted with the second one, and you seem to be good at doing that (imagery) throughout the chapter. Your writing flows really well and it really draws the reader in. I also like the way you've included pretty much all of the senses in this - sight, smell, touch, sound...not sure if you have taste or not. Using the senses in your writing makes it more believable and easier for the reader to relate to.
One little grammar point - "I tried to fight my bodies fearful trembling" - "bodies" here should be "body's" unless you have more than one body =]
Also, I think that in the middle section you could separate out the paragraphs more than you have. It looks a bit intimidating when you see them all grouped together like they are at the moment.
Overall - wow is all I can say. You're a talented writer, judging from this, and I hope to see the other chapters soon =D
-Amy
"I wanted to move. I needed to move. My body disagreed" and "I was clutching the ball of my hilt as though it was going to grow wings and fly away if I didn’t hold on tight enough" are my favourite lines/sentences of this story. I really like the imagery you painted with the second one, and you seem to be good at doing that (imagery) throughout the chapter. Your writing flows really well and it really draws the reader in. I also like the way you've included pretty much all of the senses in this - sight, smell, touch, sound...not sure if you have taste or not. Using the senses in your writing makes it more believable and easier for the reader to relate to.
One little grammar point - "I tried to fight my bodies fearful trembling" - "bodies" here should be "body's" unless you have more than one body =]
Also, I think that in the middle section you could separate out the paragraphs more than you have. It looks a bit intimidating when you see them all grouped together like they are at the moment.
Overall - wow is all I can say. You're a talented writer, judging from this, and I hope to see the other chapters soon =D
-Amy