for Hear You Me11/23/2008 c1 
1HelloFasination
omg omg omg
im inlove with ur story
plz update asap
this guys totally going 2 be at her new skool
great idea plz plz plz
UPDATE xx
1HelloFasinationomg omg omg
im inlove with ur story
plz update asap
this guys totally going 2 be at her new skool
great idea plz plz plz
UPDATE xx
11/22/2008 c1 1dabombticktick
aw
cute
cant wait to see what you write next :]
im guessing she'll meet that guy later on? :D
please update! :D
1dabombticktickaw
cute
cant wait to see what you write next :]
im guessing she'll meet that guy later on? :D
please update! :D
11/22/2008 c1 10Aurora Corona
I really liked this chapter! Your writing style's seriously good. And it's cool how you chose to write a story about a partially deaf girl, disabled people deserve just as much respect as other people :)
The only thing that bothers me:
When the girl suddenly turns around to see the guy, she gives this *very* detailed description of the guy. Too much information on the looks the first time she sees him. A bit... too quick? Like maybe in future chapters, she could be staring into his eyes and suddenly go like: I never noticed how gorgeous his bright jade eyes were, framed by a halo of dark lashes... etc.
But I can't spot any obvious grammar mistakes, and your use of vocabulary really impresses me.
So great job!
I'm interested to see where this goes!
Much love,
SP.
10Aurora CoronaI really liked this chapter! Your writing style's seriously good. And it's cool how you chose to write a story about a partially deaf girl, disabled people deserve just as much respect as other people :)
The only thing that bothers me:
When the girl suddenly turns around to see the guy, she gives this *very* detailed description of the guy. Too much information on the looks the first time she sees him. A bit... too quick? Like maybe in future chapters, she could be staring into his eyes and suddenly go like: I never noticed how gorgeous his bright jade eyes were, framed by a halo of dark lashes... etc.
But I can't spot any obvious grammar mistakes, and your use of vocabulary really impresses me.
So great job!
I'm interested to see where this goes!
Much love,
SP.
11/22/2008 c1 misery sister
Haha, the title I didn't really get. It sort of sounded awkward when I read it aloud? I dunno, maybe it's just me. :P
I review as a I go, yeah? So things may be choppy. :)
[A new beginning, I thought to myself as I stretched out along the backseat of the minivan. I didn’t quite fit; my gangly legs dangled out the window, and I sighed contentedly as the warm wind whipped against my bare feet.]
I really like this part. It's so casual, smooth, and so lighthearted. Sets the mood for the story. :)
I love the mother's driving. Exactly like my mom's! I don't even think my mom's driven on a highway yet hahaha
[“She was intoxicated,” Hannah said. “I wasn’t about to let her walk home; it’s too far!”]
Hmm the part with this is that... when people are talking casually, they usually say 'drunk'. I mean, when I'm talking to my friends, I usually say 'Man, I was so wasted last night' instead of 'Man, I was so intoxicated last night'. Haha, you know? :P
Where is their dad by the way?
[Did my deaf ears just deceive me?]
HAHAHAHA! Awesome line - and the guy when he asked her to jump him was adorable. :)
OH MY GOD. Jump start his car.
[Although relief flooded through me after he clarified his intentions, I felt slightly disappointed.]
This girl's a perv... haha, joke. :P
[...since I didn’t no a thing about cars.]
'no' should be 'know'. :P
The guy's adorable so far, and so is the girl. You have a good sense of voice for her since, well, I could feel her insecurities when I was reading, and I like the fact that you mention she's been homeschooled so she was still pretty awkward around guys. :)
For the first story you've posted on Fictionpress, it wasn't bad at all. In fact, it was a lot better and well paced than most of the stories on here! Good job and good luck with future writing! :D
Haha, the title I didn't really get. It sort of sounded awkward when I read it aloud? I dunno, maybe it's just me. :P
I review as a I go, yeah? So things may be choppy. :)
[A new beginning, I thought to myself as I stretched out along the backseat of the minivan. I didn’t quite fit; my gangly legs dangled out the window, and I sighed contentedly as the warm wind whipped against my bare feet.]
I really like this part. It's so casual, smooth, and so lighthearted. Sets the mood for the story. :)
I love the mother's driving. Exactly like my mom's! I don't even think my mom's driven on a highway yet hahaha
[“She was intoxicated,” Hannah said. “I wasn’t about to let her walk home; it’s too far!”]
Hmm the part with this is that... when people are talking casually, they usually say 'drunk'. I mean, when I'm talking to my friends, I usually say 'Man, I was so wasted last night' instead of 'Man, I was so intoxicated last night'. Haha, you know? :P
Where is their dad by the way?
[Did my deaf ears just deceive me?]
HAHAHAHA! Awesome line - and the guy when he asked her to jump him was adorable. :)
OH MY GOD. Jump start his car.
[Although relief flooded through me after he clarified his intentions, I felt slightly disappointed.]
This girl's a perv... haha, joke. :P
[...since I didn’t no a thing about cars.]
'no' should be 'know'. :P
The guy's adorable so far, and so is the girl. You have a good sense of voice for her since, well, I could feel her insecurities when I was reading, and I like the fact that you mention she's been homeschooled so she was still pretty awkward around guys. :)
For the first story you've posted on Fictionpress, it wasn't bad at all. In fact, it was a lot better and well paced than most of the stories on here! Good job and good luck with future writing! :D
11/22/2008 c1 7Silent Moon 5793
This is really a great beginning to what I expect will be a very lovely story. Please update soon.
7Silent Moon 5793This is really a great beginning to what I expect will be a very lovely story. Please update soon.