for The AcidWash Kid3/19/2009 c1 
3Balliett
i'm thinking this is uber-angsty and that their relationship is suffering and has suffered.
i really like this line: 'Saying “top of the mountain” feels nice and weighty on your tongue but it hurts your heart.' i felt a connection to that line. you can spin your dreams, but it hurts when they echo lonesomely in your head. (SEE, YOU ARE MAKING ME WANT TO WRITE! xD)
i like the usage of the spaced out 'faraway' (not sure what that's called, but yeah). and the way you purposely leave out the commas. i think that's cool, but it seemed a little awkward trying to fit in with the rest of the piece. it was a strong piece thought and i really, really enjoyed it.
3Ballietti'm thinking this is uber-angsty and that their relationship is suffering and has suffered.
i really like this line: 'Saying “top of the mountain” feels nice and weighty on your tongue but it hurts your heart.' i felt a connection to that line. you can spin your dreams, but it hurts when they echo lonesomely in your head. (SEE, YOU ARE MAKING ME WANT TO WRITE! xD)
i like the usage of the spaced out 'faraway' (not sure what that's called, but yeah). and the way you purposely leave out the commas. i think that's cool, but it seemed a little awkward trying to fit in with the rest of the piece. it was a strong piece thought and i really, really enjoyed it.
11/23/2008 c1 1Kneecap
I read through most of your new poem-things, but I'm feeling lazy at the moment, so I chose my favourite one of them, and decided to review that one. I may come back and review the other ones at a later date, but we'll see.
I think this one stood out the most to me because of its title. I really don't know why, but when I read it, I just saw purple in my mind xD.
I loved the metaphor at the beginning, the "Lake Pity" - that's a really powerful image. I wasn't really sure if there was some kind of internal dialogue going on here or if one of the speakers was a psychiatrist or something...but maybe you were aiming for ambiguity?
I got what you meant when you did some word-painting [I'm not sure if that's the right word for it or not] with "f a r a w a y" emphasising the distance, but I've never really been a fan of deviating from conventional fiction structure. But that's just me.
"Black eyes purple shiners broken glass" - any number of commas were missing from this...
Hmm, the penultimate paragraph was a bit uber-angsty to me, and verging on cliched, but I do tend to prefer things which are gritty and harsh with descriptions, and I worry that sometimes you make unpleasant things too flowery. If it's in poetry, then that's more than ok, but in prose it detracts from any message you were trying to make.
However, I loved the repeated ending line because it gave the piece a circular ending, as if nothing had really been achieved.
All in all, it was a powerful piece, but not really what I'd say is your best.
1KneecapI read through most of your new poem-things, but I'm feeling lazy at the moment, so I chose my favourite one of them, and decided to review that one. I may come back and review the other ones at a later date, but we'll see.
I think this one stood out the most to me because of its title. I really don't know why, but when I read it, I just saw purple in my mind xD.
I loved the metaphor at the beginning, the "Lake Pity" - that's a really powerful image. I wasn't really sure if there was some kind of internal dialogue going on here or if one of the speakers was a psychiatrist or something...but maybe you were aiming for ambiguity?
I got what you meant when you did some word-painting [I'm not sure if that's the right word for it or not] with "f a r a w a y" emphasising the distance, but I've never really been a fan of deviating from conventional fiction structure. But that's just me.
"Black eyes purple shiners broken glass" - any number of commas were missing from this...
Hmm, the penultimate paragraph was a bit uber-angsty to me, and verging on cliched, but I do tend to prefer things which are gritty and harsh with descriptions, and I worry that sometimes you make unpleasant things too flowery. If it's in poetry, then that's more than ok, but in prose it detracts from any message you were trying to make.
However, I loved the repeated ending line because it gave the piece a circular ending, as if nothing had really been achieved.
All in all, it was a powerful piece, but not really what I'd say is your best.