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for The Puppet Master

7/5/2009 c2 1Synaptic Imagination
I've owed you a review for awhile and I've been wanting to get back to this story so here I am :) anyway on to my review

I love your writing style, you give enough detail to paint a picture in my head but you don't clog up the flow of your story either. Also your dialouge is natural and smooth, not robotic at all. I still like Eden alot, and Jared is pretty cool too. Your story is really good and I'm having fun reading it, the suspense at the end was really good.
6/16/2009 c2 1N.E. Olson
I was waiting for that creepy critic to make a reappearance...nice cliffhanger at the end there. I love Eden's mischievous nature. I smiled when she manipulated the boys playing soccer; she's a fun character. Have you been to Italy? You know a lot about it and describe Florence very well. I loved the scene with the Americans; very funny, and also very true. Very well done with this chapter.
6/10/2009 c3 Chancee
OH you are truly pulling at my interest strings ma dear!

I like that it was all dialogue for some reason. I've never seen that done, but in a chapter of my own that's what it is turning out to be.

The dialogue kept it moving though and it was interesting to hear about this organization. I like how Eden shut up Oxi to let him know why she was the Puppet Master. I can't find anything that bothered my read and I was really glad to see how you portrayed the Skott character. He seems be very intriguing, but the cliffie was well done.

Over all a very well written chapter with enough descriptions and details to give a good picture and tone of the characters.

You know I will be giving this more attention so until later...

Momo author of My Queen - Pay it Forward the Roadhouse
6/9/2009 c2 Chancee
Very well written. The beginning had a lot of description and I like the fact you took some time to give us a chance to get to know the main characters more.

It felt as if you wanted to make this a well rounded piece and so far it is headed that way. I like the setting even though I have only been to Jamaica, sad I know but it seems that you have either researched the area or have visited, but the places and things gave the story a realistic feel.

Very suspenseful also with the mysterious Mr. Oxi and I wonder what will happen next.

Overall flow and pace was a little slow in the beginning but it picked up, but every story does not have to have a lot of things going on at once.

Good job Guacomole!

Momo author of My Queen - Pay it Forward the Roadhouse
6/8/2009 c1 Chancee
Well I think it is well written. The pace was okay and the flow was alright. I don't think i have read a puppet story yet so this is a first. The Eden and Jared character were well done and i wonder where they came from and what they really are or is is just that they can see the spirits of others and manipulate it.

See now I have to keep up with this to find out.

Great job and I think it was all very solid. I am not a technical reviewer so as for grammar and all I can't tell you anything but the dialogue and everything all seemed to fall in place nicely.

I hope to see even more action the next chapter and more answers to the creepy critic are revealed.

Great Job

Momo author of My Queen - Pay it Forward the Roadhouse
6/7/2009 c9 4Aspiemor
I had a feeling things would go bad with this company. So what happenes next? That is my question. And I can't wait to find out.
6/2/2009 c1 6ephemeral dance
Sarah from the Roadhouse here! This is certainly an interesting concept you've got. A nice beginning, interesting characters. I am thoroughly intrigued!

There are a few things I noticed-

"... looked at the place in detest." I'd say "disgust" would be better here.

"and she needed the money the job gave her." I don't know, something about that sentence sounds a little weird. Maybe leave "the job gave her" off and I think it will sound a lot better.

There were more than a couple of instances where you left out commas. Nothing major, though! I do it all the time.

Marty seemed to let Eden off the hook a little quickly. I understand that he seems to be sort of forgiving towards her nonsense, but he went from absolute rage to supposed contentment within seconds.

Anyway, those are just minor nitpicks. Apart from all my rambling, this was a very solid first chapter! Good job!
6/1/2009 c6 4Aspiemor
I see the concept of aura powers is increasing I like that sort of like different elements. Nice limitation on the teleportation power. I guess you can teleport anywhere but you need a good idea of where you are going.
6/1/2009 c1 1N.E. Olson
"...looked at the place in detest." I don't think "detest" is the word you are looking for here. Disgust maybe? Detest makes no sense.

"Raising the wine bottle to her lips she gulped down more wine..." Nothing wrong here, but I think you should use a different word for the second "wine." It just sounds a little repetitive.

Fascinating concept. I'm intrigued to learn more about auras and how Eden's and Jared's powers work. I also can't wait to learn more about the critic and what he's up to. The suspense is very nice, especially regarding Eden and Jared's concerns about people recognizing them.
5/29/2009 c1 1Synaptic Imagination
Very intersting characters, and i like the mechanics of aura, very cool, I'm looking forward to reading more.
5/29/2009 c1 2Morohtar
Here from the Roadhouse!

I think this is a clever idea, and there is some very good description and setting in here. Setting it in Florence is a cool touch, although I am not sure when it is supposed to be set. Is it a contemporary story? Unless you are going to use modern elements, it might be really cool to set it during the Renaissance, when the great puppet shows and so forth were really popular in Italy. Then you could have a whole historical world to play with.

I think the characters are very good and neatly drawn, although the dialog does at times seem to be somewhat contrived and stilted. Marty especially seems to be unnatural in how he speaks; our two heroes get away with far too much based on how he reacts.

I think what would make this opener much better is to begin with a chapter which just describes the show, without explaining how the controlling and fire is accomplished. This could be told from the perspective of the audience, which would allow you to get in the description of our two heroes. Then, you could have a second chapter which went backstage, and all the information about the auras, their history, why they are at this theater etc. etc. could be revealed. Right now, you have a very unusual theatrical show - but the strangeness of it is blunted because you kind of explain how it is all done. I think presenting it as pure magic in the first chapter, and THEN showing the heroes' perspective with the explainations would be a good idea.

But, all in all a good story! Just a few technical grammatical errors I noticed;

First paragraph - you don't look at something "with detest"; detest is a verb - you detest something or look at it with disgust.

When describing the second puppet, you say her dress is "adorning green shoes" - I think you mean the puppet is adorned with green shoes. I think "wearing green shoes" would be clearer.

The phrase is "stop fighting this instant", not "this instance".

Pay it forward!
5/29/2009 c3 19S. M. Saves
Be careful not to become too dialogue-heavy. Sure, some times certain events/things can only be explained by one character but it can get easy to lose track of who's speaking.

Story is coming along very nicely though.
5/29/2009 c1 S. M. Saves
Interesting start. I'm definitely going to keep reading. Just wanted to suggest maybe writing in more descriptions of the surroundings: the theatre itself, the backstage area, etc. Theatres can have very intricate set ups. Bring the scene to life. Make the reader feel as if he/she is a part of the audience.
5/27/2009 c4 4Aspiemor
I think I will review this way until I get up to speed on the story. So far chapter 3 and 4 were good. The concept of an organization interetes me and I really wonder if yheir motives are for "saving the world"? Another thing I like is the idea of different auras meaning different powers. Although these few chapters were abit heavy on the dialouge and not so much on description, I still think the plot is good so far. Keep it up.
5/24/2009 c9 13Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu
Well, tbh the chapter wasn't really that bloody to me. But then again to a person who have constant contact with shonen manga, I guess this reaction's natural. :S Anyway, I guess this chapter's mostly about building up the plot more than anything else. Erica has obviously gone batshit guano loco for good. As for Cathy being bi-polar, no one does this shit better than Jin Kisaragi of Blazblue. Anyway, wonder how the aura twin will turn out to be. And interesting to see how Eden's plan will kick in. tbh not everyone is Obama if you get what I mean. ;)
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