for Slaves Tears12/4/2008 c3 
9Otseis Ragnarok
Hm... Are we going to get a lemon anytime soon? This seems to be pointing that way from here, at least.
The story is progressing in an odd fashion, but it's actually kind of enjoyable. But once more, you need a good beta before anything good can be said with certainty.
9Otseis RagnarokHm... Are we going to get a lemon anytime soon? This seems to be pointing that way from here, at least.
The story is progressing in an odd fashion, but it's actually kind of enjoyable. But once more, you need a good beta before anything good can be said with certainty.
12/4/2008 c2 Otseis Ragnarok
I loved the imagery of Alva being whipped to death. It was quite touching.
Other than that, this chapter was a rambling mess. Sorry, but it was all run-on sentances and unnecessary details. It was too much crammed into too tight of a space. I want more events, not more filler.
I loved the imagery of Alva being whipped to death. It was quite touching.
Other than that, this chapter was a rambling mess. Sorry, but it was all run-on sentances and unnecessary details. It was too much crammed into too tight of a space. I want more events, not more filler.
12/4/2008 c1 Otseis Ragnarok
Here's the first of the three I promised.
Hmm, an interesting concept here. Problem is, you rushed too much in writing it. There are horrendus errors concerning typos and a few that are just plain-out confusing. I'm not sure if Kila loves or hates her master.
Also; a Prologue is designed to make the reader know more about the world, culturally as well as any other useful way. This provided me with no information outside the signigicance of the gems. I'd like to know more...
Here's the first of the three I promised.
Hmm, an interesting concept here. Problem is, you rushed too much in writing it. There are horrendus errors concerning typos and a few that are just plain-out confusing. I'm not sure if Kila loves or hates her master.
Also; a Prologue is designed to make the reader know more about the world, culturally as well as any other useful way. This provided me with no information outside the signigicance of the gems. I'd like to know more...
12/2/2008 c2 Left FP
This chapter brings out clearly Kila's determination...but you should try to highlight her feelings on losing her best friend...or are you planning on exploring her inner feelings in the later chapters?
This chapter brings out clearly Kila's determination...but you should try to highlight her feelings on losing her best friend...or are you planning on exploring her inner feelings in the later chapters?
12/2/2008 c1 Left FP
Hey...nice first chapter...but I did spot a grammar error...and a slight repetition...other than that, a very unusual and refreshing story, I must say!
Hey...nice first chapter...but I did spot a grammar error...and a slight repetition...other than that, a very unusual and refreshing story, I must say!
11/28/2008 c1 HellOnToast
Seems really good so far, the only problem I have with this is your style. The prose is slightly rused in some areas.
"She remebered her first master, he was no diffrent than her current one. Charismatic and charming, the perfect gentleman. He would drink till he was groping and kissing his slaves. He would take one to his own quarters and rape her repeatedly. if she didn't please him he would whip her till she bled. He never got a chance at her, she spent her whole service ensuring she pleased him at every turn. She perfected her technique and she would practice on the men he sold her out to. she knew she was doing it right when they would make noises grab at her hair. Eventually he got so abusive of his servents that the SAB or Slave Abuse Board stepped in and took possesion of all of the girls"
That alone could have been a whole chapter.
Also, you are slightly repetative in descriptions.
"At the demon auction captured demons get sold to the highest bidder. At this particular auction a young fire maiden was sold, Kila Johnson, 316 years old, has been sold over numerous times in her 316 years"
Please do not take this review the wrong way, it is a good story and I enjoyed reading it. Please do not be offended.
Seems really good so far, the only problem I have with this is your style. The prose is slightly rused in some areas.
"She remebered her first master, he was no diffrent than her current one. Charismatic and charming, the perfect gentleman. He would drink till he was groping and kissing his slaves. He would take one to his own quarters and rape her repeatedly. if she didn't please him he would whip her till she bled. He never got a chance at her, she spent her whole service ensuring she pleased him at every turn. She perfected her technique and she would practice on the men he sold her out to. she knew she was doing it right when they would make noises grab at her hair. Eventually he got so abusive of his servents that the SAB or Slave Abuse Board stepped in and took possesion of all of the girls"
That alone could have been a whole chapter.
Also, you are slightly repetative in descriptions.
"At the demon auction captured demons get sold to the highest bidder. At this particular auction a young fire maiden was sold, Kila Johnson, 316 years old, has been sold over numerous times in her 316 years"
Please do not take this review the wrong way, it is a good story and I enjoyed reading it. Please do not be offended.