for Glimpses1/1/2009 c9 
103Jesse the Storyteller
"They are harsh and unsteady, the tones nothing like the smooth Korean that her uncle speaks. She wishes suddenly that she had gone to the Korean school her mother had always wanted her to go to." This line has one too many "Korean"s in it. :P It's distracting.
Oh I like how both characters are thinking about their mothers. Some kind of connection here? Since you've made these so short, all of the connections become that much more obvious. It's grand!
"Her mother was not here, and Jae herself wasn't even a child anymore." I think that "herself" and "even" could leave this sentence... that way it's much more direct, simple... "Her mother was not here, and Jae wasn't a child anymore." It's more firm, such as her decision to quit thinking about this.
I like, also, how both characters, at the end of these chapters, are doubting themselves. If they both ended with the same kind of sentence... like how his was like "But why..." and hers is "She wished that she knew the answer"... instead, if they were similar, the connection would be that much more clear.
It intrigues me that her Uncle is/speaks Korean. For some reason, I pictured her as completely white. This is an interesting change in her character (in my brain) and I like it. :)
-Jesse
103Jesse the Storyteller"They are harsh and unsteady, the tones nothing like the smooth Korean that her uncle speaks. She wishes suddenly that she had gone to the Korean school her mother had always wanted her to go to." This line has one too many "Korean"s in it. :P It's distracting.
Oh I like how both characters are thinking about their mothers. Some kind of connection here? Since you've made these so short, all of the connections become that much more obvious. It's grand!
"Her mother was not here, and Jae herself wasn't even a child anymore." I think that "herself" and "even" could leave this sentence... that way it's much more direct, simple... "Her mother was not here, and Jae wasn't a child anymore." It's more firm, such as her decision to quit thinking about this.
I like, also, how both characters, at the end of these chapters, are doubting themselves. If they both ended with the same kind of sentence... like how his was like "But why..." and hers is "She wished that she knew the answer"... instead, if they were similar, the connection would be that much more clear.
It intrigues me that her Uncle is/speaks Korean. For some reason, I pictured her as completely white. This is an interesting change in her character (in my brain) and I like it. :)
-Jesse
1/1/2009 c8 Jesse the Storyteller
I really like how you changed ch. 7 to "A home" and this one to "An apartment". Very nice. :D :D This is an interesting scene. I think you could have made the beginning more flirtatious and the end more cold and disheartening.
And this line: "They touch without feeling. They make love without truly loving." Would have been better without the "truly". It would balance better, and leave the reader to put the pieces together.
This line confused me: "He wanted company, he thinks, but he doesn't feel any better having brought her.." the "he thinks" part through me off, because I thought it was meant to be an action. Like "He wanted. He thought. He doesn't feel." But... yeah. I don't know how to clear that up. It just seemed sort of fumbly.
The last sentence of this - "But why..." is a little too direct for the style of this, I think. It works either way, though, so I guess I'm just being picky now. Hahahaha.
Mrawr I love that I got mentioned :D :D :D :D And I love this whole idea you have here. I had an idea similar to this a while ago, and I'm tempted to go and do it... the whole "random conglomeration of things in short bitty chapters" deal... :) You've inspired me... haha
-Jesse
I really like how you changed ch. 7 to "A home" and this one to "An apartment". Very nice. :D :D This is an interesting scene. I think you could have made the beginning more flirtatious and the end more cold and disheartening.
And this line: "They touch without feeling. They make love without truly loving." Would have been better without the "truly". It would balance better, and leave the reader to put the pieces together.
This line confused me: "He wanted company, he thinks, but he doesn't feel any better having brought her.." the "he thinks" part through me off, because I thought it was meant to be an action. Like "He wanted. He thought. He doesn't feel." But... yeah. I don't know how to clear that up. It just seemed sort of fumbly.
The last sentence of this - "But why..." is a little too direct for the style of this, I think. It works either way, though, so I guess I'm just being picky now. Hahahaha.
Mrawr I love that I got mentioned :D :D :D :D And I love this whole idea you have here. I had an idea similar to this a while ago, and I'm tempted to go and do it... the whole "random conglomeration of things in short bitty chapters" deal... :) You've inspired me... haha
-Jesse
12/28/2008 c1 2Ray-Anne
I like the over all affect of it, the short patterned ways of it.
Though with a story like this, how does it end? I guess I'm only curious.
2Ray-AnneI like the over all affect of it, the short patterned ways of it.
Though with a story like this, how does it end? I guess I'm only curious.
12/27/2008 c7 103Jesse the Storyteller
Disappointing title. :(
I like "a year and two days". :) It's very specific, and makes it seem more lifelike.
The italics are no good, I think. The appeal of this entire piece is that you don't spell things out - you let the reader discover the mysteries on their own. By putting italics, you're kind of taking that away, by pointing out what they should be noticing.
"It was the first home she has ever known." Verb tense for the kill. It should be had, because this is something in the past. THe way the sentence stands now, her Uncle's home is her first home. No good. :(
-Jesse
Attack of the review marathon! (link in profile)
103Jesse the StorytellerDisappointing title. :(
I like "a year and two days". :) It's very specific, and makes it seem more lifelike.
The italics are no good, I think. The appeal of this entire piece is that you don't spell things out - you let the reader discover the mysteries on their own. By putting italics, you're kind of taking that away, by pointing out what they should be noticing.
"It was the first home she has ever known." Verb tense for the kill. It should be had, because this is something in the past. THe way the sentence stands now, her Uncle's home is her first home. No good. :(
-Jesse
Attack of the review marathon! (link in profile)
12/27/2008 c6 Jesse the Storyteller
Again, a disappointing title. Your others were way better. It spells out way too much, and isn't as mysterious, simple, and poignant as your others.
When you use dashes, such as "his mother-she made"... they are supposed to look like this: "his mother - she made". When you don't put spaces in between, they become hyphens, like "nine-year-old" which mean they are connecting separate words hat are being used to make one word. :) Proofreading is your friend!
"He doesn't know." Great ending line. Haunting and leaves something to think about. :)
-Jesse
Again, a disappointing title. Your others were way better. It spells out way too much, and isn't as mysterious, simple, and poignant as your others.
When you use dashes, such as "his mother-she made"... they are supposed to look like this: "his mother - she made". When you don't put spaces in between, they become hyphens, like "nine-year-old" which mean they are connecting separate words hat are being used to make one word. :) Proofreading is your friend!
"He doesn't know." Great ending line. Haunting and leaves something to think about. :)
-Jesse
12/27/2008 c5 Jesse the Storyteller
"For other people, the length of time it takes for Jae to wake up would have been an issue" This line is too clunky. There are too many words and it loses its effectiveness. No good. If you had said, instead of the length of time... "a long morning routine would have been an issue..." or something... it would've worked better. :P
I like the symmetry, between the boy's routine and this girl's routine, how you explained them similarly.
I also love the last line: "Jae is always an exception." Great way to summarize a character in one simple line. :D
The title on this one is disappointing, however. :( Your others were much better.
-Jesse
"For other people, the length of time it takes for Jae to wake up would have been an issue" This line is too clunky. There are too many words and it loses its effectiveness. No good. If you had said, instead of the length of time... "a long morning routine would have been an issue..." or something... it would've worked better. :P
I like the symmetry, between the boy's routine and this girl's routine, how you explained them similarly.
I also love the last line: "Jae is always an exception." Great way to summarize a character in one simple line. :D
The title on this one is disappointing, however. :( Your others were much better.
-Jesse
12/27/2008 c4 Jesse the Storyteller
This one is not as effective as your other one-liner chapter. Mostly, I think, because there is already a woman in this story - the mother - and it's confusing because I don't know if this is a new character, or the mother. You could simplify this by saying like "The girl cannot help but wake" or something.
"On the other side" Again with the epic titles, haha. :) Great job using them effectively - this one is intriguing, but not quite as profound as the other because it's not as simple.
-Jesse
This one is not as effective as your other one-liner chapter. Mostly, I think, because there is already a woman in this story - the mother - and it's confusing because I don't know if this is a new character, or the mother. You could simplify this by saying like "The girl cannot help but wake" or something.
"On the other side" Again with the epic titles, haha. :) Great job using them effectively - this one is intriguing, but not quite as profound as the other because it's not as simple.
-Jesse
12/27/2008 c3 Jesse the Storyteller
"the creakiness of the door" - this is a silly way to describe this. It detracts from the haunting aspect of the piece. "creaking of the door" works much better.
"at 4:21 AM" I'm pretty sure you mean 7:21... unless the woman time travels.
Again, I like the title. Generally you can completely ignore titles, but you are making good use of them by having them become essential to the piece. :)
"That was the routine for many years" ... many years is sort of vague. I think this would better serve you if you made it more specific, like say just how many years, or something.
"but the only man in the house is a boy." Great line. Amazing. My feminazi side says "oh please, a single mom knows how to oil a door" but the emotional poignancy of the line is felt and it is well used. :) Great job.
-Jesse
"the creakiness of the door" - this is a silly way to describe this. It detracts from the haunting aspect of the piece. "creaking of the door" works much better.
"at 4:21 AM" I'm pretty sure you mean 7:21... unless the woman time travels.
Again, I like the title. Generally you can completely ignore titles, but you are making good use of them by having them become essential to the piece. :)
"That was the routine for many years" ... many years is sort of vague. I think this would better serve you if you made it more specific, like say just how many years, or something.
"but the only man in the house is a boy." Great line. Amazing. My feminazi side says "oh please, a single mom knows how to oil a door" but the emotional poignancy of the line is felt and it is well used. :) Great job.
-Jesse
12/27/2008 c2 Jesse the Storyteller
I like the title - it is very essential to understanding this at all.
Also, I like the simplicity of the line. It leaves much to the imagination, haha. :P Intriguing, actually.
-Jesse
I like the title - it is very essential to understanding this at all.
Also, I like the simplicity of the line. It leaves much to the imagination, haha. :P Intriguing, actually.
-Jesse
12/27/2008 c1 Jesse the Storyteller
I don't like your philosophy here. I don't think everyone will have a horrible, painful moment in their life where everything just goes to crap and can never be salvaged. If that were the case, then we're all predestined to suicidal emoness. o.O But there are many people who live their whole lives without a care in the world and many more who have occassional troubles but none that are earth-shattering. o.O
However, I do like how you put the emotions into words in the last line. It's very poignant and I think many people can relate.
-Jesse
Attack of the review marathon! (link in profile)
I don't like your philosophy here. I don't think everyone will have a horrible, painful moment in their life where everything just goes to crap and can never be salvaged. If that were the case, then we're all predestined to suicidal emoness. o.O But there are many people who live their whole lives without a care in the world and many more who have occassional troubles but none that are earth-shattering. o.O
However, I do like how you put the emotions into words in the last line. It's very poignant and I think many people can relate.
-Jesse
Attack of the review marathon! (link in profile)
12/20/2008 c6 10miss-ellen
Aw! *fangirl squee* This is so sad and cute that it's great! The way the simplicity of the storytelling hints at something deeper and more meaningful is brilliant and I can't help but love it!
10miss-ellenAw! *fangirl squee* This is so sad and cute that it's great! The way the simplicity of the storytelling hints at something deeper and more meaningful is brilliant and I can't help but love it!
12/10/2008 c5 tangerine dreamer
i see that you put a sentence as a separate chapter i'm guessing for emphasis, but i definitly think you should flesh this out a bit more. all i know about these people is that they wake up. everyone does so maybe show glimpes of them doing something a bit more interesting.
i like your writing style and i want to see more of it, so i hope you continue this. i'm all for experimental writing and i think you have something good here. =)
i see that you put a sentence as a separate chapter i'm guessing for emphasis, but i definitly think you should flesh this out a bit more. all i know about these people is that they wake up. everyone does so maybe show glimpes of them doing something a bit more interesting.
i like your writing style and i want to see more of it, so i hope you continue this. i'm all for experimental writing and i think you have something good here. =)