for One Sweet Love8/7/2009 c10 
2dragonflydreamer
I like his bluntness here. Realistic for a guy, yet it still shows his pathetic, slightly feminine side.
I also like how even though he has what he wanted, things are still complicated. You definitely avoided a lot of cliches there and kept this interesting.
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As a whole, this has been a pretty good story. Some fresh views on the high school love story coming from a guy, but it still fell into a lot of cliches.
The main thing I think you could improve is the description. While the action itself isn't too fast, the writing doesn't allow each event to breathe, making it feel rushed. Take the time to flesh out as much as you can and readers will be able to get into the story a lot easier.
Good luck with the rest of this.
~Sparkles from the Review Marathon (link in profile)
2dragonflydreamerI like his bluntness here. Realistic for a guy, yet it still shows his pathetic, slightly feminine side.
I also like how even though he has what he wanted, things are still complicated. You definitely avoided a lot of cliches there and kept this interesting.
-
As a whole, this has been a pretty good story. Some fresh views on the high school love story coming from a guy, but it still fell into a lot of cliches.
The main thing I think you could improve is the description. While the action itself isn't too fast, the writing doesn't allow each event to breathe, making it feel rushed. Take the time to flesh out as much as you can and readers will be able to get into the story a lot easier.
Good luck with the rest of this.
~Sparkles from the Review Marathon (link in profile)
8/7/2009 c9 dragonflydreamer
This chapter was just...weird. It took me a while to realize that it was actually part of the story, and then I still had no idea what was going on.
Then, reading on to the next chapter (I came back and reviewed this), the beginning left me with a "what the heck just happened?" feeling. The mystery of this was lost on the confusion, at least to me.
This chapter was just...weird. It took me a while to realize that it was actually part of the story, and then I still had no idea what was going on.
Then, reading on to the next chapter (I came back and reviewed this), the beginning left me with a "what the heck just happened?" feeling. The mystery of this was lost on the confusion, at least to me.
8/7/2009 c8 dragonflydreamer
Heh, so the guy does have a backbone. I wouldn't have expected him to be so daring, but then again, he /is/ a guy. I like the sudden switch in his character there.
I also like that you switched to Gracie's PoV for this. It was more romantic to see it from her view, whereas Cedric's would have really embraced the M-rating to say the least.
One typo I noticed:
[Who's bed was I in?] Should be 'whose.'
Heh, so the guy does have a backbone. I wouldn't have expected him to be so daring, but then again, he /is/ a guy. I like the sudden switch in his character there.
I also like that you switched to Gracie's PoV for this. It was more romantic to see it from her view, whereas Cedric's would have really embraced the M-rating to say the least.
One typo I noticed:
[Who's bed was I in?] Should be 'whose.'
8/7/2009 c7 dragonflydreamer
[I closed my phone in a dramatic gesture.
Who says this family’s not cool?] Haha, loved that line. Nice bit of information about his character.
[Sara never swore, especially to me.] But she said "shithole" in the first chapter, didn't she?
['Well, you see, my boyfriend tried to rape me, not much, all’s good,' Gracie said nonchalantly] All right, I really have to bring up how unrealistic this is. I know a girl who was almost raped. She's an extremely tough person, but it took her at least fifteen minutes to recover from the shock and say that with a straight face. She was visibly shaking, holding her arms around herself really tightly, and didn't want to say anything to anyone.
As a whole, pretty good chapter. This could just be because the situation is personal to me, but I wish the whole party seen had been a bit more realistic. You seemed hesitant about 'taboos' like sex and alcohol. You have an M rating on this, so there's no real danger in going all-out.
But I did like the end scene. It was really cute and sweet, which was really brought out by the contrast of the earlier scene.
[I closed my phone in a dramatic gesture.
Who says this family’s not cool?] Haha, loved that line. Nice bit of information about his character.
[Sara never swore, especially to me.] But she said "shithole" in the first chapter, didn't she?
['Well, you see, my boyfriend tried to rape me, not much, all’s good,' Gracie said nonchalantly] All right, I really have to bring up how unrealistic this is. I know a girl who was almost raped. She's an extremely tough person, but it took her at least fifteen minutes to recover from the shock and say that with a straight face. She was visibly shaking, holding her arms around herself really tightly, and didn't want to say anything to anyone.
As a whole, pretty good chapter. This could just be because the situation is personal to me, but I wish the whole party seen had been a bit more realistic. You seemed hesitant about 'taboos' like sex and alcohol. You have an M rating on this, so there's no real danger in going all-out.
But I did like the end scene. It was really cute and sweet, which was really brought out by the contrast of the earlier scene.
8/7/2009 c6 dragonflydreamer
Hm, am I sensing something between Sara and Cedric? I like that-promising little twist there.
I liked the content of this chapter-it progressed a lot without going too fast-but the writing was really stop-and-go and choppy. Try to flesh it out a little bit to help it flow more smoothly.
~Sparkles from the Review Marathon (link in profile)
Hm, am I sensing something between Sara and Cedric? I like that-promising little twist there.
I liked the content of this chapter-it progressed a lot without going too fast-but the writing was really stop-and-go and choppy. Try to flesh it out a little bit to help it flow more smoothly.
~Sparkles from the Review Marathon (link in profile)
8/7/2009 c5 dragonflydreamer
I'm relaly liking how Cedric is taking the situation. Even though you don't have him excessively gushing over Gracie, the fact that he's so upset that he's getting physically sick really shows his devotion to her.
I'm not particularly liking Alex's character, though. In my mind, he isn't much more than "that guy." I wish you'd develop him a bit more if he's going to appear so frequently.
I'm relaly liking how Cedric is taking the situation. Even though you don't have him excessively gushing over Gracie, the fact that he's so upset that he's getting physically sick really shows his devotion to her.
I'm not particularly liking Alex's character, though. In my mind, he isn't much more than "that guy." I wish you'd develop him a bit more if he's going to appear so frequently.
8/7/2009 c4 dragonflydreamer
Heh, I love the scene with the frog. It realy brings out Cedric's wimpy side. Guys who wig out with dissections amuse me.
Pretty short chapter, kind of filler-ish, but I like it. It was nice comic relief while still progressing the story a bit.
Heh, I love the scene with the frog. It realy brings out Cedric's wimpy side. Guys who wig out with dissections amuse me.
Pretty short chapter, kind of filler-ish, but I like it. It was nice comic relief while still progressing the story a bit.
8/7/2009 c3 dragonflydreamer
I'm starting to geta good feel for his friends. I like their placement in the story. It gives it a bit more depth than just straightforward romance.
I also like the interaction between Cedric and Bradley. That's another thing you've got going for you with the male protagonist. Two girls fighting over a guy are just obnoxious. Two guys has so many more possibilities, maybe even a physical fight. Now /that's/ interesting. (Heh, can you tell that I'm not a romance person?)
I'm starting to geta good feel for his friends. I like their placement in the story. It gives it a bit more depth than just straightforward romance.
I also like the interaction between Cedric and Bradley. That's another thing you've got going for you with the male protagonist. Two girls fighting over a guy are just obnoxious. Two guys has so many more possibilities, maybe even a physical fight. Now /that's/ interesting. (Heh, can you tell that I'm not a romance person?)
8/7/2009 c2 dragonflydreamer
[I bade her goodbye] That seemed too formal for a high school fic and really stood out.
I like your characters so far. Cedric's a bit hard to figure out since he's the narrator, but the girls seem like interesting characters. At first I thought Sara was your typical nice girl, but then she swore, making me think there's bit more to her. The mention of Gracie's ringtone was also a good hint at her character.
[I bade her goodbye] That seemed too formal for a high school fic and really stood out.
I like your characters so far. Cedric's a bit hard to figure out since he's the narrator, but the girls seem like interesting characters. At first I thought Sara was your typical nice girl, but then she swore, making me think there's bit more to her. The mention of Gracie's ringtone was also a good hint at her character.
8/7/2009 c1 dragonflydreamer
Interesting premise. Not only is a love story told by a guy original, but it gives a degree of bluntness that you rarely see coming from girls. I'm interested in seeing how this unfolds.
One things I don't like about this introduction is that it explains too much. It's not necessary for the reader to know so much about the main character right off the bat, and such details can easily be figured out as the story progresses.
~Sparkles from the Review Marathon (link in profile)
Interesting premise. Not only is a love story told by a guy original, but it gives a degree of bluntness that you rarely see coming from girls. I'm interested in seeing how this unfolds.
One things I don't like about this introduction is that it explains too much. It's not necessary for the reader to know so much about the main character right off the bat, and such details can easily be figured out as the story progresses.
~Sparkles from the Review Marathon (link in profile)
6/29/2009 c1 Natsuharu
aww,really soo adorable :) its okay about mistake but it seem like cute story line.
aww,really soo adorable :) its okay about mistake but it seem like cute story line.
1/26/2009 c3 4saraelle
This is such a cute story.
I really admire that you're a guy and writing a romance story.
Can't wait to read more! :)
4saraelleThis is such a cute story.
I really admire that you're a guy and writing a romance story.
Can't wait to read more! :)
12/23/2008 c1 7Duckies
this is awesome - though some of the lines and names seem a bit familiar - emperor?
"majorly screwed up love life?" wasn't that in my diary? [Dear diary, I have one majorly screwed up love life - written in my playboy one]
- Haha were you referring to jess when you wrote gracies not the kind to have quick flings?
lmao i think im just reading too much into this :D Very interesting anyways, can't wait for more =]=]
7Duckiesthis is awesome - though some of the lines and names seem a bit familiar - emperor?
"majorly screwed up love life?" wasn't that in my diary? [Dear diary, I have one majorly screwed up love life - written in my playboy one]
- Haha were you referring to jess when you wrote gracies not the kind to have quick flings?
lmao i think im just reading too much into this :D Very interesting anyways, can't wait for more =]=]