for Reclaiming the Crown11/2/2009 c24 
1Jinxed Rogue
I read this story because I was hoping to see a glimpse of the Phone Calls crew a bit more. I know your romances are a 0-60 kind of thing, but Kara and Nathan just didn't work this time.
There were a lot of other issues that should have come up (Kara's relationships with other people and she adjusts to Nathan, media invasion, real conflict about having to make the transition to adulthood), and you didn't properly resolve things with Kristen or explain how she got out of her contract. Vanessa just magically started taking Prozac, because the character shift was unjustified based on the way she was acting up until then. Nathan's opinions on everything were barely there.
You've got a great cast of characters, but you really have to be careful how you use them. It makes or breaks your writing. RJ and Robby are your two strongest characters, no matter where they appear, their personalities shine through. The rest can't be said for the others, who get used more like props than people. (Poor Parker can't catch a break!)
Kara didn't really show any character growth and that was what this story was supposed to be about. Her entire story about coming into her own person faded into "OMG, I love Nate but he doesn't love me back!" debacle which was incredulous considering they'd known each other for only a month or so. Was she that desperate for a kind word? Nathan was bland over all and I lost all respect for him when he dumped his career for her.
It's obvious you've got a good series going, but you really need to clean it up for it to reach its full potential.
If you want help with something, feel free to send me PM or email.
1Jinxed RogueI read this story because I was hoping to see a glimpse of the Phone Calls crew a bit more. I know your romances are a 0-60 kind of thing, but Kara and Nathan just didn't work this time.
There were a lot of other issues that should have come up (Kara's relationships with other people and she adjusts to Nathan, media invasion, real conflict about having to make the transition to adulthood), and you didn't properly resolve things with Kristen or explain how she got out of her contract. Vanessa just magically started taking Prozac, because the character shift was unjustified based on the way she was acting up until then. Nathan's opinions on everything were barely there.
You've got a great cast of characters, but you really have to be careful how you use them. It makes or breaks your writing. RJ and Robby are your two strongest characters, no matter where they appear, their personalities shine through. The rest can't be said for the others, who get used more like props than people. (Poor Parker can't catch a break!)
Kara didn't really show any character growth and that was what this story was supposed to be about. Her entire story about coming into her own person faded into "OMG, I love Nate but he doesn't love me back!" debacle which was incredulous considering they'd known each other for only a month or so. Was she that desperate for a kind word? Nathan was bland over all and I lost all respect for him when he dumped his career for her.
It's obvious you've got a good series going, but you really need to clean it up for it to reach its full potential.
If you want help with something, feel free to send me PM or email.
6/17/2009 c24 Twist Their Emotions
Loved it! Great characters, riveting plot, and it was so original! Fantastic job!
Loved it! Great characters, riveting plot, and it was so original! Fantastic job!
4/8/2009 c24 10Sour Plums
The ending line wrapped the story back up, but you really didn’t focus TOO much on the tribulations of Kara’s career. It was there a little bit, but it was mainly just her relationship with Nathan. Which is fine, but I just want to let you know that it was a little off the mark and I don’t think you portrayed enough of Kara’s career as you wanted to.
I think you have good story ideas, but your writing is very bland. I think your stories could be very fantastic if you paid more attention to them. I saw that you have a lot of stories, which means you probably write them in no time at all. Writing is fun, but writing well is a good pay off. If you took more time to add some more to your sub plots, your stories would be really good. You may ignore me since you have a lot of readers, but I don’t think a publisher would look twice at these. You may also wonder why, if I disliked the story so much, I kept reading. I know I’ve been harsh in my reviews, but I thought you would value some real criticism instead of just “this is really good.” Sometimes it takes a reader like me to rethink things and improve on your work, which is why I continued to read.
10Sour PlumsThe ending line wrapped the story back up, but you really didn’t focus TOO much on the tribulations of Kara’s career. It was there a little bit, but it was mainly just her relationship with Nathan. Which is fine, but I just want to let you know that it was a little off the mark and I don’t think you portrayed enough of Kara’s career as you wanted to.
I think you have good story ideas, but your writing is very bland. I think your stories could be very fantastic if you paid more attention to them. I saw that you have a lot of stories, which means you probably write them in no time at all. Writing is fun, but writing well is a good pay off. If you took more time to add some more to your sub plots, your stories would be really good. You may ignore me since you have a lot of readers, but I don’t think a publisher would look twice at these. You may also wonder why, if I disliked the story so much, I kept reading. I know I’ve been harsh in my reviews, but I thought you would value some real criticism instead of just “this is really good.” Sometimes it takes a reader like me to rethink things and improve on your work, which is why I continued to read.
4/8/2009 c22 Sour Plums
Well, I must admit, the fact that Wally is Sluggo’s partner was a very good twist, and I congratulate you on surprising me.
The action scene was long enough to satisfy me, and the dialogue wasn’t too corny. It was a pretty well written scene.
Well, I must admit, the fact that Wally is Sluggo’s partner was a very good twist, and I congratulate you on surprising me.
The action scene was long enough to satisfy me, and the dialogue wasn’t too corny. It was a pretty well written scene.
4/8/2009 c19 Sour Plums
This relationship with Nathan’s family, and even Nathan himself is kind of unrealistic. They’d only been dating for two months, and she can still just waltz on over to his sister’s house? It seems kind of weird and stalkerish.
Kara asking him to have sex with her just confirms the feeling that she’s just pretending that this relationship is still intact, and she’s getting a little crazy about it. I know that’s not how you wanted it to be, but that’s really how it came out.
This relationship with Nathan’s family, and even Nathan himself is kind of unrealistic. They’d only been dating for two months, and she can still just waltz on over to his sister’s house? It seems kind of weird and stalkerish.
Kara asking him to have sex with her just confirms the feeling that she’s just pretending that this relationship is still intact, and she’s getting a little crazy about it. I know that’s not how you wanted it to be, but that’s really how it came out.
4/8/2009 c18 Sour Plums
I have a really bad feeling about Vanessa knowing that he’s doing undercover work, she’s a shady character.
I really hope that Tony Henderson is Sluggo’s partner, that would be really bad character development, that’s not something Toby would be doing.
Ha, I knew that Kara was going to go to the Spider Club! I thought perhaps she would run into him and think that he ditched his old life for a clubbing life or thought he was a drug dealer like [maybe?] her ex was.
I have a really bad feeling about Vanessa knowing that he’s doing undercover work, she’s a shady character.
I really hope that Tony Henderson is Sluggo’s partner, that would be really bad character development, that’s not something Toby would be doing.
Ha, I knew that Kara was going to go to the Spider Club! I thought perhaps she would run into him and think that he ditched his old life for a clubbing life or thought he was a drug dealer like [maybe?] her ex was.
4/8/2009 c17 Sour Plums
To tell you the truth, this scene with the Christmas Parade is the only scene that I’ve truly enjoyed so far.
Ryan said as he handed them a couple pieces of candy. He shot Kara furtive glances and she tried to ignore him. “Nathan,” she said with a curt nod”….. you haven’t introduced Nathan into the scene yet, so when you have a character say his name, or give him actions, it’s confusing, because he’s not even mentioned yet.
To tell you the truth, this scene with the Christmas Parade is the only scene that I’ve truly enjoyed so far.
Ryan said as he handed them a couple pieces of candy. He shot Kara furtive glances and she tried to ignore him. “Nathan,” she said with a curt nod”….. you haven’t introduced Nathan into the scene yet, so when you have a character say his name, or give him actions, it’s confusing, because he’s not even mentioned yet.
4/8/2009 c16 Sour Plums
Well, that sucks that Nathan’s chief is making him quit. And this bust sounds pretty cool, but I don’t think that throwing a fit in the locker room is really necessary…
I think you throw around a lot of casual things like “The big boys” and “the big guys” and way too many “dudes” and “man” It sounds very awkward and doesn’t read very well.
Well, that sucks that Nathan’s chief is making him quit. And this bust sounds pretty cool, but I don’t think that throwing a fit in the locker room is really necessary…
I think you throw around a lot of casual things like “The big boys” and “the big guys” and way too many “dudes” and “man” It sounds very awkward and doesn’t read very well.
4/8/2009 c14 Sour Plums
See, there it is again with Nathan’s character, you keep flopping back between romantic guy inamored with a girl, and nice guy who is afraid of commitment. Nathan knew from before that Kara had strong feelings for him, so why is he acting like this is his first time hearing it? You have to stop flip-flopping with him.
Wow, Vanessa says that Kara is a child, yet she acts so much like one!
See, there it is again with Nathan’s character, you keep flopping back between romantic guy inamored with a girl, and nice guy who is afraid of commitment. Nathan knew from before that Kara had strong feelings for him, so why is he acting like this is his first time hearing it? You have to stop flip-flopping with him.
Wow, Vanessa says that Kara is a child, yet she acts so much like one!
4/8/2009 c13 Sour Plums
Ok, no offense, but Kara being so shaken up about that incident is kind of dumb, it didn’t happen to her. I understand it having a little bit of an effect on her, but it shouldn’t make her look like it’s physically taking a toll on her. It didn’t happen to her, and Nathan didn’t get shot, and it wasn’t really that big of a deal. You should’ve had something bigger happen if you wanted Kara to be traumatized by it.
“You’ve been hanging out here a lot lately,” Hanging out where? You never said.
Ok, no offense, but Kara being so shaken up about that incident is kind of dumb, it didn’t happen to her. I understand it having a little bit of an effect on her, but it shouldn’t make her look like it’s physically taking a toll on her. It didn’t happen to her, and Nathan didn’t get shot, and it wasn’t really that big of a deal. You should’ve had something bigger happen if you wanted Kara to be traumatized by it.
“You’ve been hanging out here a lot lately,” Hanging out where? You never said.
4/8/2009 c12 Sour Plums
How did the paramedics get there so quick, first Nathan was calling for them, then all of a sudden, they were handcuffing the kid to the gurney, you could’ve added some in there, like say something about them pulling up.
I did like the concept of Nathan getting those guys, but it seemed kind of dull again, and the situation of those kids didn’t seem too creative. You should’ve written it to be a more intense scene, it had a lot of potential.
“He smiled, his heart soaring. He tucked her hair behind her ears and pulled her to him for a kiss. “I more than like you, too. And you don’t need to…declare yourself tonight. I’m not going anywhere.”
See, this is what I’m talking about, isn’t Nathan afraid of commitment? This is not the reaction a man who is afraid of commitment would have to a girl basically telling him she loves him.
However, on the good side, I think it’s nice that they’re not saying “I love you” right now, and she’s saying she doesn’t want to declare herself yet, but it’s basically there. This makes it very unique.
How did the paramedics get there so quick, first Nathan was calling for them, then all of a sudden, they were handcuffing the kid to the gurney, you could’ve added some in there, like say something about them pulling up.
I did like the concept of Nathan getting those guys, but it seemed kind of dull again, and the situation of those kids didn’t seem too creative. You should’ve written it to be a more intense scene, it had a lot of potential.
“He smiled, his heart soaring. He tucked her hair behind her ears and pulled her to him for a kiss. “I more than like you, too. And you don’t need to…declare yourself tonight. I’m not going anywhere.”
See, this is what I’m talking about, isn’t Nathan afraid of commitment? This is not the reaction a man who is afraid of commitment would have to a girl basically telling him she loves him.
However, on the good side, I think it’s nice that they’re not saying “I love you” right now, and she’s saying she doesn’t want to declare herself yet, but it’s basically there. This makes it very unique.
4/8/2009 c10 Sour Plums
Ha, I thought that was pretty good how Nathan put Vanessa down and she got all pissed!
“I’m not really into the club scene” She said this last chapter, and by saying it again to Nathan, she seems a little redundant.
I think in the first few chapters, you should’ve shown a little more of what a “free bird” Nathan is and how he’s afraid of commitment and all that, because he fell in pretty quick with Kara, and you only have a few things about his fears, so you forget that he’s that kind of guy until you actually say that, and your character should just be written at all times to fit the mold you want him to. If you want him to fit the mold of a guy who is afraid of commitment, then you should always write him like that, instead of so quickly “dating” Kara, you should’ve had him kind of avoiding it, or actively thinking how that isn’t really his style, but Kara changed it. You’re having Nathan be two kinds of people. He can be sweet and a “free bird” at the same time, you just have to figure out how to write it. Keep your character’s character in mind each time you write them.
Ha, I thought that was pretty good how Nathan put Vanessa down and she got all pissed!
“I’m not really into the club scene” She said this last chapter, and by saying it again to Nathan, she seems a little redundant.
I think in the first few chapters, you should’ve shown a little more of what a “free bird” Nathan is and how he’s afraid of commitment and all that, because he fell in pretty quick with Kara, and you only have a few things about his fears, so you forget that he’s that kind of guy until you actually say that, and your character should just be written at all times to fit the mold you want him to. If you want him to fit the mold of a guy who is afraid of commitment, then you should always write him like that, instead of so quickly “dating” Kara, you should’ve had him kind of avoiding it, or actively thinking how that isn’t really his style, but Kara changed it. You’re having Nathan be two kinds of people. He can be sweet and a “free bird” at the same time, you just have to figure out how to write it. Keep your character’s character in mind each time you write them.
4/8/2009 c9 Sour Plums
Again, I thing this chapter started off real slow, you need to add a lot more detail to your story to make it interesting because it moves from one thing to the other so quickly and it’s just kind of dull, I’m sorry. I get bored quickly when you just give the reader facts and not much else. Add in some thoughts, put in some lyrical lines, or if you’re going through something as boring as a dinner, then just say “they ate dinner” or something, and move on to the important parts. You can say that they ate dinner without having to go through the whole scene, unnecessary scenes in stories make it boring.
Yeah, you should definitely add a little more when she’s singing. Make up a few lyrics, you don’t have to have the whole song. I mean, she just sang two songs and it was over in a matter of three paragraphs? It needs more “meat” if you know what I’m saying.
Again, I thing this chapter started off real slow, you need to add a lot more detail to your story to make it interesting because it moves from one thing to the other so quickly and it’s just kind of dull, I’m sorry. I get bored quickly when you just give the reader facts and not much else. Add in some thoughts, put in some lyrical lines, or if you’re going through something as boring as a dinner, then just say “they ate dinner” or something, and move on to the important parts. You can say that they ate dinner without having to go through the whole scene, unnecessary scenes in stories make it boring.
Yeah, you should definitely add a little more when she’s singing. Make up a few lyrics, you don’t have to have the whole song. I mean, she just sang two songs and it was over in a matter of three paragraphs? It needs more “meat” if you know what I’m saying.
4/8/2009 c8 Sour Plums
“Vanessa had probably set it. She knew how he was in the morning without his coffee.” :O
Wow, Vanessa calling Kara a little girl was just rude and uncalled for, but it must’ve hit hard. I mean, she seems like a little girl because she plays one on TV, so everyone thinks she is, and here’s Nathan’s ex-girlfriend thing calling her exactly that.
I like how you make Kara and Nathan’s relationship kind of casual and iffy, not an official “hey, we’re dating because we like each other,” but a real adult relationship where the status of it is unknown.
Well, that’s exciting that they’re going to be meeting each other’s families! :)
“Vanessa had probably set it. She knew how he was in the morning without his coffee.” :O
Wow, Vanessa calling Kara a little girl was just rude and uncalled for, but it must’ve hit hard. I mean, she seems like a little girl because she plays one on TV, so everyone thinks she is, and here’s Nathan’s ex-girlfriend thing calling her exactly that.
I like how you make Kara and Nathan’s relationship kind of casual and iffy, not an official “hey, we’re dating because we like each other,” but a real adult relationship where the status of it is unknown.
Well, that’s exciting that they’re going to be meeting each other’s families! :)
4/8/2009 c7 Sour Plums
“I can help you get back to the top, baby.” Oh my, what a sleazebag! I barely know Toby and I don’t like him!
Wow, I can’t believe that Kristen can’t see that Toby is a total jerk! I feel sorry for Kara, her assistant treats her like she’s still a child, I think she needs a new one!
I just had an idea, earlier, last chapter, you said that Kara’s contract said that she couldn’t do anything that would stir up negative press, maybe Kara should do exactly that, and they’ll fire her!
“I can help you get back to the top, baby.” Oh my, what a sleazebag! I barely know Toby and I don’t like him!
Wow, I can’t believe that Kristen can’t see that Toby is a total jerk! I feel sorry for Kara, her assistant treats her like she’s still a child, I think she needs a new one!
I just had an idea, earlier, last chapter, you said that Kara’s contract said that she couldn’t do anything that would stir up negative press, maybe Kara should do exactly that, and they’ll fire her!