for Tease4/26/2009 c1 
16RuathaWehrling
Hey again! Thought I'd look at a poem, too.
Ah... no specific comments this time on grammar or organization or anything else. Well-written! I think we can all understand that feeling of despairing hope that you describe so well here.
16RuathaWehrlingHey again! Thought I'd look at a poem, too.
Ah... no specific comments this time on grammar or organization or anything else. Well-written! I think we can all understand that feeling of despairing hope that you describe so well here.
4/6/2009 c1 15Denizen47
April Fools!
This was an interesting poem, and I'm usually a fan of Haiku and for the most part it worked here. The fifth stanza though seems a little forced, the rhythm a little off due to the stressing on different syllables. And ["I spit on your life."] seems to be a little awkwardly phrased.
I did however like the overall content of the poem, a novel idea well executed. Especially the contrast between the first and last stanza's using the [Incoming message] line. Well done.
Zion.
15Denizen47April Fools!
This was an interesting poem, and I'm usually a fan of Haiku and for the most part it worked here. The fifth stanza though seems a little forced, the rhythm a little off due to the stressing on different syllables. And ["I spit on your life."] seems to be a little awkwardly phrased.
I did however like the overall content of the poem, a novel idea well executed. Especially the contrast between the first and last stanza's using the [Incoming message] line. Well done.
Zion.
2/12/2009 c1 Your Blind Date
I took me awhile to realize why this was classified as a haiku but I see it now. Although it does follow the form, there is no real rhythm to the poem. Especially in the 3rd stanza the second line is made up of 2 sentences so whatever rhythm the haiku format would have given the stanza is impeded by a full stop.
I did however like the contrast of the first and last stanza.It ties the poem together and underscores the emotions. In browsing your other poems, I see you like to play with repition and it works well here.
If you will have me, I will gladly be your Valentine :)
I took me awhile to realize why this was classified as a haiku but I see it now. Although it does follow the form, there is no real rhythm to the poem. Especially in the 3rd stanza the second line is made up of 2 sentences so whatever rhythm the haiku format would have given the stanza is impeded by a full stop.
I did however like the contrast of the first and last stanza.It ties the poem together and underscores the emotions. In browsing your other poems, I see you like to play with repition and it works well here.
If you will have me, I will gladly be your Valentine :)
12/29/2008 c1 24fairies and snapple
There are parts I like and parts I think could be worked on in this... but I like the overall feeling, and the, um, like, arc? I guess that's as good a word as you'll get. The last line is really great, and the first "shit" line is good, too. There're a couple lines that could just be... more. "My heavy heart aches" could be less cliche, "I'm under your thumb" and "you do not answer" could be more. The stanza with "I spit on you" is good overall, like it works all together, but alone the first line could be stronger. I guess that's the word I wanted. But, like I said, overall it works, because the end pulls it all together.
24fairies and snappleThere are parts I like and parts I think could be worked on in this... but I like the overall feeling, and the, um, like, arc? I guess that's as good a word as you'll get. The last line is really great, and the first "shit" line is good, too. There're a couple lines that could just be... more. "My heavy heart aches" could be less cliche, "I'm under your thumb" and "you do not answer" could be more. The stanza with "I spit on you" is good overall, like it works all together, but alone the first line could be stronger. I guess that's the word I wanted. But, like I said, overall it works, because the end pulls it all together.
12/19/2008 c1 Chasing Skylines
Haha, there's always that silver lining of hope, right?
“You are dead to me.”
This is my silent mantra.
“I spit on your life.”
Way to stand up for yourself. Being sad is overrated; they just advertise it a lot.
Haha, there's always that silver lining of hope, right?
“You are dead to me.”
This is my silent mantra.
“I spit on your life.”
Way to stand up for yourself. Being sad is overrated; they just advertise it a lot.
12/11/2008 c1 18AtlantisGirl12
This was really good, Bubbles! It captures perfectly similar feelings I've had.
18AtlantisGirl12This was really good, Bubbles! It captures perfectly similar feelings I've had.
12/9/2008 c1 Cookie
It's such a bittersweet piece of work because it makes me remember the pain of infatuations. I love how 'hope' here is looked as a negative thing. Stupid boys. And I also like the line "I'm under your thumb". I don't know why but I like that thumb imagery. :)
It's such a bittersweet piece of work because it makes me remember the pain of infatuations. I love how 'hope' here is looked as a negative thing. Stupid boys. And I also like the line "I'm under your thumb". I don't know why but I like that thumb imagery. :)