for Suicidal Boy8/24/2013 c1 Guest
i cried at the lotr reference xD
great piece :)
i cried at the lotr reference xD
great piece :)
1/17/2013 c1 
2jordan.riri
This made me laugh so hard ). My sisters looking time like I'm weird now lol
2jordan.ririThis made me laugh so hard ). My sisters looking time like I'm weird now lol
3/6/2011 c1 Cailleach64
A little too weird, I mean, who acts and say's shit like that? But besides that, it’s a cute story.
A little too weird, I mean, who acts and say's shit like that? But besides that, it’s a cute story.
3/21/2009 c1 1Seize The Stars
-Its not even Christmas day
Its - it's. It's = it is.
-because-its
Same.
Haha, wow, I got the general gist of his attitude just from the first paragraph.
-I didn’t mean to call my step-mother a ‘fake-breasted, face of a thirty year old man, talentless, lazy, fake, gold-digging, whore’, it just slipped out.
Ahahaha. At least he isn't afraid of speaking the truth.
-Well its mutual you old slag!
Same as earlier. Easy way to remember is that it's, with the apostrophe, equals 'it is.'
-because its dark
Same. Sorry for being nitpicky, haha.
-Its small.
-There’s nothing phantasmagorial about the fucker!
Heh. The MC seems to be quite the potty mouth. It's kind of funny.
-no body
no body should be joined as nobody.
-I could get, murdered, raped, mugged, kidnapped, beaten up, I could get tied to a tree with my shoes stolen and a degrading sign placed above my head for laughs, I could even find money – psh - I could get absolutely anything.
Don't trust me entirely on this, as I generally am not an expert on tenses, but since this is present, shouldn't the coulds be 'can'?
-“Oops sorry”
Missing ending punctuation; so period after sorry.
Haha at the situation. Either the MC is really tall, that tree's really short, or the guy who kicked him's got long legs.
-“Well I’m kind of preoccupied right now!, I did say sorry.”
Why's there a period? Typo, take it out.
-no ones
Put an apostrophe before the s, then it'll be 'no one is.' As of now it's saying how hard is it to make sure no number ones are beneath him.
-think jacket.
Think - thin.
-Its freezing
Its - it's.
-“Hey! Come back!” shit when did I let go of his shirt?
Shit needs to be capitalized.
Hahah, I am just envisioning this, some tall guy staring down a little guy.
-“Yeah you do owe me – seeing as I improved it and all.”
Hahaha.
-made me diverted my fist
Diverted - divert.
-He steps aside to walk on to his destination and I grab the collar of his shirt and raise my fist, fully intending to wipe his nose off and let it fall to the floor instead, but seeing him smirk made me diverted my fist at the last second, finally understanding the slagging off match we had just had, I was still utterly confused though, “why do you want me to hit you?”
Shit that's a run-on. I'm confident you could break some of this up. And regardless, why should be capitalized.
-And lets face it
Lets - let's.
-its not like
Its - it's.
-definite seating position
Seating - sitting.
-Suicidal boy[,] however, recovered before I did,
Then the last comma there could be a period and so the part after could start off as a new sentence and not be comma splicing.
-I found myself being kicked in the face.
How is this happening? I thought the MC was a head/foot taller than suicidal boy, who's short and all.
Unless he has tae-kwon-do under his black belt and is whipping out jump kicks.
-Give me a lift up if you want,” and he walked to the railing again, I grabbed his ankle.
Pretty sure that's improper comma usage. I say period after want, take out the and, he is then the start of a new sentence. Then so you don't comma splice, end that sentence after again and I grabbed his ankle will be a sentence of its own.
-“Look,” I hit the back of his knee so he ungracefully joined me on the floor again, “I’m not going to let you kill yourself.”
Hitting the back of his knee doesn't produce words; since it's an action, you should close your quote with a period there, so period after look, and then period after again.
-“As much as I want too, I wont.”
Too - to. Wont - won't.
-“You’d best give it a shot otherwise I might just call you an attention seeking little liar who’s too pussy to off themselves.”
My thoughts exactly, haha.
-“What just because I’m not some steroetypical little whiny emo fuck you think that I cant kill myself?”
Steroetypical (you misspelled it) - stereotypical. Cant - can't.
He does have little and whiny down in my opinion, haha.
-He lifts shirt up
Missing a 'his' after lifts.
-He lifts shirt up and I gasp there isn’t one inch of his skin that isn’t bruised.
To avoid a run-on, I would start a new sentence, or use a semi-colon (though its use is precarious, I'm not sure if it would be grammatically correct) at 'there.'
-“why?”
why - Why.
-I’m going to die someday anyway.”
If everybody had that mentality...
-I shrugged, “It’s the floaty men, dude…they’re here to steal your soul and put it in a little star-shaped glass box…that’s what happened to me anyway. Or so I’m told. Either way – I turned out fine.”
You can't shrug out words. Period after shrugged.
Hahaha at the line itself.
-“Look, fucktard, I wont be the reason you end up dead.”
Wont - won't.
-I slammed it’s end
In this case, it's should be its, the possessive form.
-“you shall not pass!”
you - You.
Haha. The MC (whoa, was a name given?) is humorously weird.
-“Its confirmed. You are a freak.”
Its - it's.
-I bowed.
This is in present tense, so that should be 'bow.'
-He tried to shove past me and I pushed him back, brandishing my stick wildly suicidal boy looked torn between laughing and running a mile, I raised it above my head and with a fierce look in my eyes, I slammed it’s end onto the bridge screaming, “you shall not pass!”*
Slips into the present tense here.
-“Whatever!” he covers his mouth, “You’re wrong – I was not smiling!”
He should be capitalized, period after mouth.
-You cant be suicidal if you’re smiling.”
Cant - can't. The MC makes me smile and somewhat like suicidal dude.
-“Oh innuendo.”
Hahah.
-I pounce on him, “It’s safe to go from suicide watch to crazy I want to fuck you into the snowless but frosty ground now right?”
Action, so period after him.
Hahah. MC's dialogue is awesome.
-his laugh is defiantly the sexiest
defiantly - definitely. You forgot a period after sexiest.
-“Ah fuck it. I may as well. I can kill myself some other day, might as well get laid first.”
Ahahah.
-When he gets to his feet his
The last his is a typo.
-duelling
duelling has only one l.
-Now if you excuse me, I’m going home to unwrap my fucking present.
Haha, the last line wraps it up nicely with the MC's tone of voice in it.
As a whole I enjoyed it. Keep writing.
1Seize The Stars-Its not even Christmas day
Its - it's. It's = it is.
-because-its
Same.
Haha, wow, I got the general gist of his attitude just from the first paragraph.
-I didn’t mean to call my step-mother a ‘fake-breasted, face of a thirty year old man, talentless, lazy, fake, gold-digging, whore’, it just slipped out.
Ahahaha. At least he isn't afraid of speaking the truth.
-Well its mutual you old slag!
Same as earlier. Easy way to remember is that it's, with the apostrophe, equals 'it is.'
-because its dark
Same. Sorry for being nitpicky, haha.
-Its small.
-There’s nothing phantasmagorial about the fucker!
Heh. The MC seems to be quite the potty mouth. It's kind of funny.
-no body
no body should be joined as nobody.
-I could get, murdered, raped, mugged, kidnapped, beaten up, I could get tied to a tree with my shoes stolen and a degrading sign placed above my head for laughs, I could even find money – psh - I could get absolutely anything.
Don't trust me entirely on this, as I generally am not an expert on tenses, but since this is present, shouldn't the coulds be 'can'?
-“Oops sorry”
Missing ending punctuation; so period after sorry.
Haha at the situation. Either the MC is really tall, that tree's really short, or the guy who kicked him's got long legs.
-“Well I’m kind of preoccupied right now!, I did say sorry.”
Why's there a period? Typo, take it out.
-no ones
Put an apostrophe before the s, then it'll be 'no one is.' As of now it's saying how hard is it to make sure no number ones are beneath him.
-think jacket.
Think - thin.
-Its freezing
Its - it's.
-“Hey! Come back!” shit when did I let go of his shirt?
Shit needs to be capitalized.
Hahah, I am just envisioning this, some tall guy staring down a little guy.
-“Yeah you do owe me – seeing as I improved it and all.”
Hahaha.
-made me diverted my fist
Diverted - divert.
-He steps aside to walk on to his destination and I grab the collar of his shirt and raise my fist, fully intending to wipe his nose off and let it fall to the floor instead, but seeing him smirk made me diverted my fist at the last second, finally understanding the slagging off match we had just had, I was still utterly confused though, “why do you want me to hit you?”
Shit that's a run-on. I'm confident you could break some of this up. And regardless, why should be capitalized.
-And lets face it
Lets - let's.
-its not like
Its - it's.
-definite seating position
Seating - sitting.
-Suicidal boy[,] however, recovered before I did,
Then the last comma there could be a period and so the part after could start off as a new sentence and not be comma splicing.
-I found myself being kicked in the face.
How is this happening? I thought the MC was a head/foot taller than suicidal boy, who's short and all.
Unless he has tae-kwon-do under his black belt and is whipping out jump kicks.
-Give me a lift up if you want,” and he walked to the railing again, I grabbed his ankle.
Pretty sure that's improper comma usage. I say period after want, take out the and, he is then the start of a new sentence. Then so you don't comma splice, end that sentence after again and I grabbed his ankle will be a sentence of its own.
-“Look,” I hit the back of his knee so he ungracefully joined me on the floor again, “I’m not going to let you kill yourself.”
Hitting the back of his knee doesn't produce words; since it's an action, you should close your quote with a period there, so period after look, and then period after again.
-“As much as I want too, I wont.”
Too - to. Wont - won't.
-“You’d best give it a shot otherwise I might just call you an attention seeking little liar who’s too pussy to off themselves.”
My thoughts exactly, haha.
-“What just because I’m not some steroetypical little whiny emo fuck you think that I cant kill myself?”
Steroetypical (you misspelled it) - stereotypical. Cant - can't.
He does have little and whiny down in my opinion, haha.
-He lifts shirt up
Missing a 'his' after lifts.
-He lifts shirt up and I gasp there isn’t one inch of his skin that isn’t bruised.
To avoid a run-on, I would start a new sentence, or use a semi-colon (though its use is precarious, I'm not sure if it would be grammatically correct) at 'there.'
-“why?”
why - Why.
-I’m going to die someday anyway.”
If everybody had that mentality...
-I shrugged, “It’s the floaty men, dude…they’re here to steal your soul and put it in a little star-shaped glass box…that’s what happened to me anyway. Or so I’m told. Either way – I turned out fine.”
You can't shrug out words. Period after shrugged.
Hahaha at the line itself.
-“Look, fucktard, I wont be the reason you end up dead.”
Wont - won't.
-I slammed it’s end
In this case, it's should be its, the possessive form.
-“you shall not pass!”
you - You.
Haha. The MC (whoa, was a name given?) is humorously weird.
-“Its confirmed. You are a freak.”
Its - it's.
-I bowed.
This is in present tense, so that should be 'bow.'
-He tried to shove past me and I pushed him back, brandishing my stick wildly suicidal boy looked torn between laughing and running a mile, I raised it above my head and with a fierce look in my eyes, I slammed it’s end onto the bridge screaming, “you shall not pass!”*
Slips into the present tense here.
-“Whatever!” he covers his mouth, “You’re wrong – I was not smiling!”
He should be capitalized, period after mouth.
-You cant be suicidal if you’re smiling.”
Cant - can't. The MC makes me smile and somewhat like suicidal dude.
-“Oh innuendo.”
Hahah.
-I pounce on him, “It’s safe to go from suicide watch to crazy I want to fuck you into the snowless but frosty ground now right?”
Action, so period after him.
Hahah. MC's dialogue is awesome.
-his laugh is defiantly the sexiest
defiantly - definitely. You forgot a period after sexiest.
-“Ah fuck it. I may as well. I can kill myself some other day, might as well get laid first.”
Ahahah.
-When he gets to his feet his
The last his is a typo.
-duelling
duelling has only one l.
-Now if you excuse me, I’m going home to unwrap my fucking present.
Haha, the last line wraps it up nicely with the MC's tone of voice in it.
As a whole I enjoyed it. Keep writing.
3/19/2009 c1 5villainousVirgilious
You had me laughing so hard I ended up hyperventalating. Thanks! Not for hyperwhatsits but for the entertainment obviously.
5villainousVirgiliousYou had me laughing so hard I ended up hyperventalating. Thanks! Not for hyperwhatsits but for the entertainment obviously.
2/25/2009 c1 2The youngen
This was suprisingly beyond funny. I expected weirdness and the challenge themes not flowing well together but you made it work very well. And the part on the bridge is still making me giggle. good job
2The youngenThis was suprisingly beyond funny. I expected weirdness and the challenge themes not flowing well together but you made it work very well. And the part on the bridge is still making me giggle. good job
1/26/2009 c1 16SeriousMoonlight
Hehe... very nice. There was a few spelling and grammer problems, but the story was really cute.
The beginning and last parts of the story were my favorite. :3
16SeriousMoonlightHehe... very nice. There was a few spelling and grammer problems, but the story was really cute.
The beginning and last parts of the story were my favorite. :3
1/12/2009 c1 17Cattails
That last line made me laugh so much XD He's such an angry boy ^^ Ah, they're cute together. They'll make a lovely dysfunctional couple :D
17CattailsThat last line made me laugh so much XD He's such an angry boy ^^ Ah, they're cute together. They'll make a lovely dysfunctional couple :D
1/6/2009 c1 64Arwen Starfire
Wow, absolutely delightful to read. While it seemed very carefree, I wouldn't classify it as fluff. I had so much fun reading this. It had humor, it had drama, and characters I was able to fall in love with in a very short amount of words.
And best of all, nothing cliche about it! Yay!
(or it could be I'm just giggy about the Lord of the Rings reference).
~Arry
64Arwen StarfireWow, absolutely delightful to read. While it seemed very carefree, I wouldn't classify it as fluff. I had so much fun reading this. It had humor, it had drama, and characters I was able to fall in love with in a very short amount of words.
And best of all, nothing cliche about it! Yay!
(or it could be I'm just giggy about the Lord of the Rings reference).
~Arry