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for Her Brother's Keeper

12/11/2012 c1 Teen
It's good. I know I'm interested.
11/16/2009 c1 50Kristina Suko
This is a really good start to something longer... but as a oneshot, it's very incomplete. I hope you find the inspiration to finish it one day.

Thoughts are usually better read in italics; it distinguishes them from the description and creates a better flow to the story, as the reader will immediately know it's a thought, and not have to stop after the fact and realize that that's what it was.

Teacups usually only break into four or five pieces, with only a few little shards at the most. (I have broken a few, sadly.)

The coal-black-eyed man was chilling and interesting and... I really want to know more about him. Also, Andrews' attitude made me curious. What's up with him?

The one thing I really noticed is that most of the sentences are the same length. This gives the story a very monotone feel, and while the description and plot itself is very good, the same-length sentences detract from the story and make it seem a little... slow.

But overall, I really like this.

11/7/2009 c1 3Mercyette
So, I'm finally getting around to reading your one-shot. Amazing, huh? I was really surprised to see how different it was from Sins of the Father. But different is good - I really liked it. Again, I love the emotion you give your characters. Maybe an extra review for this story will get you to continue it perhaps? I'd love to hear more from you soon.
4/7/2009 c1 13Menginpeh
Enjoyed this! It definitely has potential to become a full story - I would love to hear everything that happened and happens. :)
3/28/2009 c1 7John Jude Farragut PhD
How is it that you create a story so well done, and yet you don't get any reviews?

As you can tell, I enjoy your oneshot. The characters are real and engaging; I feel for them because they and their emotions and reactions seem so real.

You've got a lot of talent; it's obvious you've been writing for a long time. Your prose and dialogue are well done. I have only a couple of issues, and since they're related to style, which is never set in stone from person to person, my suggestions are completely relative-except for the one where you expound upon this oneshot! ;)

One thing I suggest is that you make some of your words more direct and deliberate; for example, in the sentence "Dunham was on the radio calling in a team..." a good way to make the sentence more emphatic is to remove the linking verb and replace it with the action verb: "Dunham returned to his radio and called in a team." Linking and helping verbs definitely have use in a story, and sometimes it's just to convey something to the point; more often than not, though (and I speak from wincing and groaning at my fiction!), they tend to remove a lot of the force and impact from the sentences in which they reside.

Another example of making your words deliberate is to be as precise as you can be with them. In the sentence "Andrews scowled at his senior officer," the word "scowled" conveys a pretty strong emotion; maybe change it to "frowned" or something that conveys a more appropriate sense of distaste that the situation needs. As I said, it's all relative; it all depends on taste.

The only major objection I have is the adverbs. They do have their place, but they need to be carefully used. When I write, I find that adverbs need to be used sparingly; for example, I would change "she was acutely aware of the birds singing overhead" to "She vaguely heard the minister as he spoke, but she happened to notice the birds singing overhead." I left the "vaguely" in there because it's great for the sentence. Basically, adverbs are great when well used, but they should generally be used rarely. *Scoffs* And I just violated the rule right there! ;)

I could go on and on about adverbs and linking verbs, but that's only because there's so much information on them. Honestly, your prose is very solid; there's very little to pick apart and criticize. Again, your talent shows throughout, and any elements of style I take notice of are all relative.

One thing I have to say about writing narrative prose is that while it's difficult, it's a skill you definitely have. It's not intrusive, boring, or worded to constitute filler material. It's a solid timekeeper for the story's pace-steady, clear, and done with care.

You did a great job on the story. My favorite line is "Murderers sometimes attend their victim's funeral." WHOA. You could do so much with that basic premise. In this story, though, it sets an intense tone, and it stands by itself to be seared in the memory.

Well done, well done!


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