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for The Bracelet

7/24/2010 c1 41short circuit
First off: alarm clock beginning. Very overused. If you want to write about someone getting up in the morning, then describe it in a more descriptive, atypical way. You also oddly switch from past to present tense in some areas, like "It's 6 in the morning" and "It's one in the afternon." "It's" isn't a contraction for "It was". It's only a contraction for "It has" or "It is".

Some of your sentence beginnings are too repetitive. You use 'I' and "But," far too much. And there shouldn't be a comma after but. Try beginning your sentences with adverbs some of the time.

The narration made me cringe a bit. The MC is incredibly naive and corny, and your prose in some areas is a bit too much like a recount and not a flowy narrative. Your sentences are too choppy and short. I suggest you add more description of what the character is doing with adjectives, and some deeper input from the narrator.
12/23/2008 c1 Chasing Skylines
Haha, another alarm clock beginning. If it weren't for the fact that the character is hectically preparing for his date, I wouldn't really care about the morning routine.

'Looking at the mirrori I winked at the handsome-looking guy in front of me and said goodbye to the past and virginity. After tonight, I’d probably be a man reborn.'

Haha, don't worry, first typo I've spotted so far: should be mirror, without the i.

Ah got to the text message. I'm guessing the girl he's meeting will be the one he met before?

Never mind.

I liked the anxiousness of the MC and how he continually checked his watch; it's realistic.

Hmm, you picked an interesting symbol; the bracelet. I liked how it seemed to have signified something, and how you managed to do it subtly enough when you stated he just picked up the nearest one.

It seems he's quite an emotional character; if it weren't for his angsting in the beginning over that summer love, I wouldn't have expected a teenage boy to cry at the end, though it does happen.

Good job.
12/22/2008 c1 19sugaplumprincess
Review Game! Aw this was sad.

You switch between tenses in some places, which is a bit distracting for the reader: “I reached for a box on top of a closet and pour all its contents on my bed” Try to keep it in the past tense.

Also, it seems a little strange that his past love bought him a bracelet, but refused to be online friends, maybe it would be better if she had wanted to be friends, but rejected his love.

I liked the character, he’s adorable, and I think the reader can connect to him because he’s so vulnerable and trying so hard to impress this girl, and then they way he’s crushed at the end. Everyone has had feelings like that.
12/22/2008 c1 Daggerhart
You described the main protagonist's thoughts so perfectly that I actually felt bad for him at the end of the chapter! I felt like what happened to me actually happened to him, and not alot of authors can convey emotions like that to their reader! There were no grammatical mistakes that I spotted either. This was a good chapter. I just wish that the chapter would've been a little longer, but otherwise, good job!
12/22/2008 c1 elennie
Wow! That was very well written! It moved a bit fast and I found a few grammar mistakes, but god! The emotion was so amazing! It was really heart wrenching the way he spoke of his future. Lovely job. I really enjoyed this.

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