for Guns pointed towards the moon12/28/2008 c1 
25Interrobang
Clarity:
I like a lot of what you’re saying, but you convey it a bit awkwardly. For example: “Instead of steam stroking his chin, he felt a biterness.” You might want to convey more clearly that the bitterness is resonating from the soup (also ‘biterness’ has two ‘t’s). Also: “There was Alan, of course he was the only person allowed to call him “Al”.” the ‘of course’ seems a bit out of place, I understand what it means but it could be put more clearly.
Characters:
I really like Lex, I found his character very interesting from the first line about him looking like he was going to cry or yell. He seems very haggard, very old-beyond-his years. The other characters are also pretty well established. Obviously Jake, being the person whose point of view we see this chapter through, is the one we know the most about, but I’m interested in learning more about Alan.
Dialogue:
The dialogue is very good, it seems realistic and it expresses the characters well. It also establishes what’s going on in the story without the need for a lot of exposition in the narration.
Description:
I like the description of the food and their environment; it makes the story easier to get immersed in. The contrast between the bunks and the mess hall’s dank conditions and the shine of the hallways shows the diversity of Jake’s experience in the army.
25InterrobangClarity:
I like a lot of what you’re saying, but you convey it a bit awkwardly. For example: “Instead of steam stroking his chin, he felt a biterness.” You might want to convey more clearly that the bitterness is resonating from the soup (also ‘biterness’ has two ‘t’s). Also: “There was Alan, of course he was the only person allowed to call him “Al”.” the ‘of course’ seems a bit out of place, I understand what it means but it could be put more clearly.
Characters:
I really like Lex, I found his character very interesting from the first line about him looking like he was going to cry or yell. He seems very haggard, very old-beyond-his years. The other characters are also pretty well established. Obviously Jake, being the person whose point of view we see this chapter through, is the one we know the most about, but I’m interested in learning more about Alan.
Dialogue:
The dialogue is very good, it seems realistic and it expresses the characters well. It also establishes what’s going on in the story without the need for a lot of exposition in the narration.
Description:
I like the description of the food and their environment; it makes the story easier to get immersed in. The contrast between the bunks and the mess hall’s dank conditions and the shine of the hallways shows the diversity of Jake’s experience in the army.
12/25/2008 c5 12SuzannaR
Excellent ending! I'm glad you didn't have Alan either killing him or falling in love with him or something like that. This is more realistic, way better than either of those stupid cliched endings. I loved it!
I like too that you ended with a few words from each of their viewpoints just as it was in the beginning of the story. Very clean and symettrical (strange words eh? But they fit). Great job there.
Grammar errors
"As they walked across the floor that stunk of shoe polish" incomplete sentence. Leave out the AS
"momnet that"- moment that
"aprince"-a prince
"holding it's"-its
I enjoyed reading this story despite the grammar issues. Interesting, original and realistic.
S
12SuzannaRExcellent ending! I'm glad you didn't have Alan either killing him or falling in love with him or something like that. This is more realistic, way better than either of those stupid cliched endings. I loved it!
I like too that you ended with a few words from each of their viewpoints just as it was in the beginning of the story. Very clean and symettrical (strange words eh? But they fit). Great job there.
Grammar errors
"As they walked across the floor that stunk of shoe polish" incomplete sentence. Leave out the AS
"momnet that"- moment that
"aprince"-a prince
"holding it's"-its
I enjoyed reading this story despite the grammar issues. Interesting, original and realistic.
S
12/25/2008 c4 SuzannaR
Great chapter! The pace was just right. The bit about Alex was poignant though I found the words that Jake used to comfort Alan very cliched.That's ok since Jake thought so too! Good job there.
Grammar errors:
"Jake's feet lead him"- led
"It's shoulder's" - its shoulders
"Alan's voice was about as low as a sand worm" hmnn how low is a sandworm? What's a sandworm?
" his tongue remained on the bottom of his mouth. It was like it was on strike" excellent description there. I can picture it.
Your writing is full of metaphors and similies. Sometimes I find that they don't fit in with what you mean to say eg the sandworm? But mostly they do and they help the reader to imagine your scene vividly. Watch out for the ones that don;t seem to fit.
s
Great chapter! The pace was just right. The bit about Alex was poignant though I found the words that Jake used to comfort Alan very cliched.That's ok since Jake thought so too! Good job there.
Grammar errors:
"Jake's feet lead him"- led
"It's shoulder's" - its shoulders
"Alan's voice was about as low as a sand worm" hmnn how low is a sandworm? What's a sandworm?
" his tongue remained on the bottom of his mouth. It was like it was on strike" excellent description there. I can picture it.
Your writing is full of metaphors and similies. Sometimes I find that they don't fit in with what you mean to say eg the sandworm? But mostly they do and they help the reader to imagine your scene vividly. Watch out for the ones that don;t seem to fit.
s
12/25/2008 c3 SuzannaR
I like that you're writing the same events from each of the 3 character's perspective.
When Alex goes into the mess hall you say "There they were, Alan staring a locket that he wasn't supposed to have, and Jake staring at Alan as if he were some kind of an animal" Was that a flashback or something? Because only a few lines later you have one of them ask where Jake was. That bit is unclear.
Grammar/spelling errors
"Thanatos laid curdled"- I think you mean lay cuddled perhaps?
"Everything within the room had dark and worn" Was not had?
I liked this chapter because it gives the reader insight into Alex's character more so than the previous chapters did for ALan and Jake.
BTW what is with this obsession with the shoe and shining them? It seems to be really important to all 3 characters. I guess it's a military thing?
s
I like that you're writing the same events from each of the 3 character's perspective.
When Alex goes into the mess hall you say "There they were, Alan staring a locket that he wasn't supposed to have, and Jake staring at Alan as if he were some kind of an animal" Was that a flashback or something? Because only a few lines later you have one of them ask where Jake was. That bit is unclear.
Grammar/spelling errors
"Thanatos laid curdled"- I think you mean lay cuddled perhaps?
"Everything within the room had dark and worn" Was not had?
I liked this chapter because it gives the reader insight into Alex's character more so than the previous chapters did for ALan and Jake.
BTW what is with this obsession with the shoe and shining them? It seems to be really important to all 3 characters. I guess it's a military thing?
s
12/25/2008 c2 SuzannaR
I like the way the story's going. The ending was just right. Good job there.
There are still a lot of grammatical and spelling errors.
Grammar Errors:
"It's shine"- its shine
"I want, to talk"- no comma
"could of warmed"- could have warmed
"Like, Private Jake Selene"- no comma
"And then Alan met Private Alexander Thanatos, someone Jake called “Lex”- end of sentence after Lex.
"he was the quite soldier" quiet
"now had an heir" - air
There were some non grammatical things that bothered me:
Other things:
"warmed like a thousand lighthouses" This doesn't make sense. Lighthouses do not warm they illuminate.
"like the land needed water" Why does the land need water? Perhaps you can say the desert instead. That would be more fitting.
You have the wife reminding him of blueberries and honey. That's rather inconsistent. It's not like there is some relation between blueberry and honey.
s
I like the way the story's going. The ending was just right. Good job there.
There are still a lot of grammatical and spelling errors.
Grammar Errors:
"It's shine"- its shine
"I want, to talk"- no comma
"could of warmed"- could have warmed
"Like, Private Jake Selene"- no comma
"And then Alan met Private Alexander Thanatos, someone Jake called “Lex”- end of sentence after Lex.
"he was the quite soldier" quiet
"now had an heir" - air
There were some non grammatical things that bothered me:
Other things:
"warmed like a thousand lighthouses" This doesn't make sense. Lighthouses do not warm they illuminate.
"like the land needed water" Why does the land need water? Perhaps you can say the desert instead. That would be more fitting.
You have the wife reminding him of blueberries and honey. That's rather inconsistent. It's not like there is some relation between blueberry and honey.
s
12/25/2008 c1 SuzannaR
Good God, it;s slash! lol I wasn't expecting that. It's ok though. Interesting subject with them being in the army and all that. I ve not read anything like that.
Grammer errors:
"It smelled of rationed"- this should be smelt no? I know there is a past tense smelled but it sounds wrong to me here.
"felt a biterness"- bitterness
"There was Alan, of course he was the only person allowed to call him “Al”". I know you meant that only Jake can call Alan Al but it can be misread. Also the sentence as written sounds ackward.
"Army sprawled across his shirt"- I m probably being really picky but I think that sprawled is the wrong word here. It sounds relaxed and disorderly which is the opposite of the army and how the word would be printed.
"chews of his mouth"-sounds ackward. You don't have to say of his mouth.
"It shined". I think you mean shone here.
"The squeak of boots marched down the floors like the very soldiers that made them" I m not sure what you're trying to say here.
"his shands"- his hands
A couple of times you say He or him and it's not clear which character you're referring to. Eg the bit above with Alan and Al. Another ex" Jake asked the man sitting across from him. His face was buried in his hands, he looked like he was about to cry, or yell". You could say "The man's face was buried.." so that it;s clear that it's not Jake you're talking about.
A couple of places you use the same word twice in the sentence. Eg"He turned to Al, and Al only turned away". You could use different words in these cases.
I like some of the imagery you created in your writing. The bowl sliding like a hockey puck eh? Love it. And the beanstalk thing lol.
Good God, it;s slash! lol I wasn't expecting that. It's ok though. Interesting subject with them being in the army and all that. I ve not read anything like that.
Grammer errors:
"It smelled of rationed"- this should be smelt no? I know there is a past tense smelled but it sounds wrong to me here.
"felt a biterness"- bitterness
"There was Alan, of course he was the only person allowed to call him “Al”". I know you meant that only Jake can call Alan Al but it can be misread. Also the sentence as written sounds ackward.
"Army sprawled across his shirt"- I m probably being really picky but I think that sprawled is the wrong word here. It sounds relaxed and disorderly which is the opposite of the army and how the word would be printed.
"chews of his mouth"-sounds ackward. You don't have to say of his mouth.
"It shined". I think you mean shone here.
"The squeak of boots marched down the floors like the very soldiers that made them" I m not sure what you're trying to say here.
"his shands"- his hands
A couple of times you say He or him and it's not clear which character you're referring to. Eg the bit above with Alan and Al. Another ex" Jake asked the man sitting across from him. His face was buried in his hands, he looked like he was about to cry, or yell". You could say "The man's face was buried.." so that it;s clear that it's not Jake you're talking about.
A couple of places you use the same word twice in the sentence. Eg"He turned to Al, and Al only turned away". You could use different words in these cases.
I like some of the imagery you created in your writing. The bowl sliding like a hockey puck eh? Love it. And the beanstalk thing lol.
12/24/2008 c5 Left FP
Perfect ending to a perfect story...guns pointed towards the moon...a very innovative way of ending the story...
The way the three lives intertwined and the way friendship became a part of their lives...
Character growth has been depicted with all clarity in this piece.
The setting, the plot, everything was a symphony.
Just be a little more alert if you want to reach the epitome of perfectness.
The beauty of your story lies in its simplicity. Keep up the good work.
Perfect ending to a perfect story...guns pointed towards the moon...a very innovative way of ending the story...
The way the three lives intertwined and the way friendship became a part of their lives...
Character growth has been depicted with all clarity in this piece.
The setting, the plot, everything was a symphony.
Just be a little more alert if you want to reach the epitome of perfectness.
The beauty of your story lies in its simplicity. Keep up the good work.
12/24/2008 c4 Left FP
Sometimes the story has some lose ends but that is perfectly understandable!
A short story needs to have some openings in order to have spin-offs later on...
The conversation between Alan, Jake and Alex are extremely true...interesting characters and I love how each character is haunted by a past...
The bedtime story concept is very touching...
Sometimes the story has some lose ends but that is perfectly understandable!
A short story needs to have some openings in order to have spin-offs later on...
The conversation between Alan, Jake and Alex are extremely true...interesting characters and I love how each character is haunted by a past...
The bedtime story concept is very touching...
12/24/2008 c3 Left FP
This chapter had perfect character description. This story makes the reader want to click on the next button and read on till the end.
Alex's connection with his Grand dad & the way the three soldiers are related through friendship is very beautiful.
No grammar error found in this chapter!
This chapter had perfect character description. This story makes the reader want to click on the next button and read on till the end.
Alex's connection with his Grand dad & the way the three soldiers are related through friendship is very beautiful.
No grammar error found in this chapter!
12/24/2008 c2 Left FP
The story has a very beautiful beginning...the only grammatical error I found was : he and her were engaged. Change that to they were engaged.
The concept is very engrossing...and frankly, I am enjoying my read.
The story has a very beautiful beginning...the only grammatical error I found was : he and her were engaged. Change that to they were engaged.
The concept is very engrossing...and frankly, I am enjoying my read.
12/24/2008 c2 67moongazer7
Hello mikey magee
I love it, and the details. I love how you made alan react to the news of his friend being gay and his wife’s miscarriage.
I do however suggest that you do extend the sceens such as the one about him being home and sleeping together. Expand the sceen before it and during the day. I would like to see it. Expanding other seens would be nice.
Rachel
67moongazer7Hello mikey magee
I love it, and the details. I love how you made alan react to the news of his friend being gay and his wife’s miscarriage.
I do however suggest that you do extend the sceens such as the one about him being home and sleeping together. Expand the sceen before it and during the day. I would like to see it. Expanding other seens would be nice.
Rachel
12/24/2008 c1 moongazer7
Hello mikey magee
Excellent story. I am not sure if army camps have all this. Isn’t it just a bunch of tents, or is this the bases, or whatever they call it?
Rachel
Hello mikey magee
Excellent story. I am not sure if army camps have all this. Isn’t it just a bunch of tents, or is this the bases, or whatever they call it?
Rachel
12/24/2008 c4 18The Last Xu
- Characters:
Wow, very interesting. You portray the character's emotions well, and make it easy to understand and identify with them. Their thoughts and reactions are also very human.
However, it seems to me you favor Jake's point of view, and only switch to the point of view of other characters when needed. It's only a personal opinion, but I dislike it when authors do that. To me, it seems rather inconsistent and makes other characters seem more like tools.
- Writing:
I like your style. It's descriptive, but not too heavy. There are some very nice imagery as well.
I also love the creative similes and metaphors you use, they give the story more flavor.
- Spelling/Grammar:
There were a few grammatical errors.
ex. "The doors of the mess hall swung open as he walked through them, swinging into the room and out again in a motion that seemed like it would last forever."
The doors are swinging or is he swinging? If it's the doors like I thought, then you only need to say that the doors are swinging once. So, maybe remove the first "swung".
"Alan's walk away" walk away is a verb. If you're using it as a noun it should be walk-away. Also, it's not a very good word choice. Perhaps use... departure, abandonment, or something of the sort.
There are also some minor spelling errors all over the place.
- Plot:
I enjoyed the story. The fact that it's a war-time setting is a personal plus from me. However, I was a bit confused... throughout the chapter, two seemingly unconnected things occurred, and somehow I can't get myself to transition fast enough. Maybe separate into two chapters?
18The Last Xu- Characters:
Wow, very interesting. You portray the character's emotions well, and make it easy to understand and identify with them. Their thoughts and reactions are also very human.
However, it seems to me you favor Jake's point of view, and only switch to the point of view of other characters when needed. It's only a personal opinion, but I dislike it when authors do that. To me, it seems rather inconsistent and makes other characters seem more like tools.
- Writing:
I like your style. It's descriptive, but not too heavy. There are some very nice imagery as well.
I also love the creative similes and metaphors you use, they give the story more flavor.
- Spelling/Grammar:
There were a few grammatical errors.
ex. "The doors of the mess hall swung open as he walked through them, swinging into the room and out again in a motion that seemed like it would last forever."
The doors are swinging or is he swinging? If it's the doors like I thought, then you only need to say that the doors are swinging once. So, maybe remove the first "swung".
"Alan's walk away" walk away is a verb. If you're using it as a noun it should be walk-away. Also, it's not a very good word choice. Perhaps use... departure, abandonment, or something of the sort.
There are also some minor spelling errors all over the place.
- Plot:
I enjoyed the story. The fact that it's a war-time setting is a personal plus from me. However, I was a bit confused... throughout the chapter, two seemingly unconnected things occurred, and somehow I can't get myself to transition fast enough. Maybe separate into two chapters?
12/24/2008 c5 1Jessie My Love
Aw, poor Jake D:
I feel so bad for him, and yet happy at the same time XD
I loved how you pulled it all together in the end.
It was so sweet, yet not like extremely cliche or anything.
Good job :]
You are a great writer.
-Jessie my l o v e
1Jessie My LoveAw, poor Jake D:
I feel so bad for him, and yet happy at the same time XD
I loved how you pulled it all together in the end.
It was so sweet, yet not like extremely cliche or anything.
Good job :]
You are a great writer.
-Jessie my l o v e
12/24/2008 c4 Jessie My Love
I still love it XD
Your characters are just amazing.
They are all realistic.
Also, you had a really good use of repetition in this chapter. Some times people just don't use it effectively.
Only one more chapter D:
-Jessie my l o v e
I still love it XD
Your characters are just amazing.
They are all realistic.
Also, you had a really good use of repetition in this chapter. Some times people just don't use it effectively.
Only one more chapter D:
-Jessie my l o v e