for Guns pointed towards the moon12/24/2008 c3 
1Jessie My Love
Ah, I wished this chapter was more eventful, but it was still good nonetheless.
The end of the chapter kind of confused me, with the whole falling thing. I'm not quite sure what exactly happened.
But you still wrote the whole thing beautifully. You have enough description, and I still love your characters.
1Jessie My LoveAh, I wished this chapter was more eventful, but it was still good nonetheless.
The end of the chapter kind of confused me, with the whole falling thing. I'm not quite sure what exactly happened.
But you still wrote the whole thing beautifully. You have enough description, and I still love your characters.
12/24/2008 c2 Jessie My Love
Twist.
I love it.
It's the second chapter and already I can see this story developing rather nicely.
There was really nothing I didn't like.
The characters are all extremely realistic.
Onto the next chapter~
-Jessie my l o v e
Twist.
I love it.
It's the second chapter and already I can see this story developing rather nicely.
There was really nothing I didn't like.
The characters are all extremely realistic.
Onto the next chapter~
-Jessie my l o v e
12/24/2008 c1 Jessie My Love
I usually am not a fan of the stories with slash and everything, just because authors usually fail at writing it properly. But this was good. You made it so you could relate to the characters since he was so realistic. I really liked it.
The only mistake I saw was that "Metals of honor" should be "Medals of honors". I think XD
-Jessie my l o v e
I usually am not a fan of the stories with slash and everything, just because authors usually fail at writing it properly. But this was good. You made it so you could relate to the characters since he was so realistic. I really liked it.
The only mistake I saw was that "Metals of honor" should be "Medals of honors". I think XD
-Jessie my l o v e
12/23/2008 c5 9Dot Cubed
This was a perfect ending to a very good story! I loved how you provided closure for all the plot lines; on Alex, and especially about the relationship between Jake and Alan.
I'm definitely going to miss these characters! You created such believable personalities that felt very realistic. I absolutely loved it!
"As they walked across the floor that stunk of shoe polish" -sentence fragment-take out the as
"momnet" -should be moment
9Dot CubedThis was a perfect ending to a very good story! I loved how you provided closure for all the plot lines; on Alex, and especially about the relationship between Jake and Alan.
I'm definitely going to miss these characters! You created such believable personalities that felt very realistic. I absolutely loved it!
"As they walked across the floor that stunk of shoe polish" -sentence fragment-take out the as
"momnet" -should be moment
12/23/2008 c4 Dot Cubed
This was definitely my favorite chapter out of the bunch. I absolutely loved every single scene, especially the one with the three men at the end. I loved how Alan told Lex a story that would somehow make him better; it was just perfect. I also really liked the way you built up the tension between Jake and Alan with the "...tick..." It felt like a bomb was about to go off, which is probably the effect you were going for, and really added to the scene.
Grammar stuff!
"feteas" -should be fetus
"quite" -quiet
"heir" -should be air
"to" -should be the
This was definitely my favorite chapter out of the bunch. I absolutely loved every single scene, especially the one with the three men at the end. I loved how Alan told Lex a story that would somehow make him better; it was just perfect. I also really liked the way you built up the tension between Jake and Alan with the "...tick..." It felt like a bomb was about to go off, which is probably the effect you were going for, and really added to the scene.
Grammar stuff!
"feteas" -should be fetus
"quite" -quiet
"heir" -should be air
"to" -should be the
12/23/2008 c3 Dot Cubed
I think Alex is my favorite character so far. His backstory is very believable and also heartbreaking, when you consider the fact that he was raised by a grandfather who obviously will never get over his war experience. I just feel so bad for him!
Anyway, this was probably my favorite chapter so far! I love how you've described Alex's emotions; they seem very real and true to life. Very nice!
Grammar:
"las Vegas" -should be Las Vegas
"it's" -should be its
I think Alex is my favorite character so far. His backstory is very believable and also heartbreaking, when you consider the fact that he was raised by a grandfather who obviously will never get over his war experience. I just feel so bad for him!
Anyway, this was probably my favorite chapter so far! I love how you've described Alex's emotions; they seem very real and true to life. Very nice!
Grammar:
"las Vegas" -should be Las Vegas
"it's" -should be its
12/23/2008 c2 Dot Cubed
Another good chapter! I actually really like Alan; you've made him a very realistic character, in my opinion. I also feel like you transitioned very smoothly in this chapter; it seemed very natural as you went through his life with Janet. The ending was a gut-puncher, though! I can't imagine what Alan is going through.
Just one question: can you really have a miscarriage at six months? I'm pretty sure that's not possible, unless she was hit in the stomach or got in a car accident or something.
Grammar stuff:
"he and her were engaged" -I think it'd sound better if he and her became "they"
"heir" -should be air
Another good chapter! I actually really like Alan; you've made him a very realistic character, in my opinion. I also feel like you transitioned very smoothly in this chapter; it seemed very natural as you went through his life with Janet. The ending was a gut-puncher, though! I can't imagine what Alan is going through.
Just one question: can you really have a miscarriage at six months? I'm pretty sure that's not possible, unless she was hit in the stomach or got in a car accident or something.
Grammar stuff:
"he and her were engaged" -I think it'd sound better if he and her became "they"
"heir" -should be air
12/23/2008 c1 Dot Cubed
This was a very good first chapter! I think that you've really captured army life very well and the emotions that people feel. I loved the beginning scene at the mess hall, because I felt that the dialogue and characters were very realistic.
I have to admit, I was a little grossed out by the scene with Jake and his "gun." It came out of nowhere for me, but then I realized that you must've rated this story M for a reason. It's really just my personal opinion, though; I didn't need to read about Jake touching himself.
Just some grammar stuff:
"His beef stew in front of him." -this is a sentence fragment. You need a verb-I'd suggest was, for something like "His beef stew was in front of him"
"biterness" -two t's in bitterness
"begun" -should be began
"You sure your okay?" -your should be you're
"arragance" -should be arrogance
"dieing" -should be dying
This was a very good first chapter! I think that you've really captured army life very well and the emotions that people feel. I loved the beginning scene at the mess hall, because I felt that the dialogue and characters were very realistic.
I have to admit, I was a little grossed out by the scene with Jake and his "gun." It came out of nowhere for me, but then I realized that you must've rated this story M for a reason. It's really just my personal opinion, though; I didn't need to read about Jake touching himself.
Just some grammar stuff:
"His beef stew in front of him." -this is a sentence fragment. You need a verb-I'd suggest was, for something like "His beef stew was in front of him"
"biterness" -two t's in bitterness
"begun" -should be began
"You sure your okay?" -your should be you're
"arragance" -should be arrogance
"dieing" -should be dying
12/22/2008 c1 4bringmayflowers
Hey there. I only read chapter one so I am going to comment on that.
I felt a lot of your wording was off. It was very much stated rather than telling. "Jake did this, Jake did that." You should try to think about how you would describe things. I do this a lot, too and I am trying to fix it also. You're not alone! :)
I really liked the way Jake spoke about Al - how he had hidden feelings but could not tell anyone. I feel like a lot of people who relate to that, whether they are homosexual, lesbian, bisexual or even straight. People are often conflicted of their feelings towards others.
You do have a few spelling mistakes and therefore I think you should get a Beta. They are easy mistakes that Microsoft Word would not catch such as "your" instead of "you're."
Other than that I feel like you have a great start!
4bringmayflowersHey there. I only read chapter one so I am going to comment on that.
I felt a lot of your wording was off. It was very much stated rather than telling. "Jake did this, Jake did that." You should try to think about how you would describe things. I do this a lot, too and I am trying to fix it also. You're not alone! :)
I really liked the way Jake spoke about Al - how he had hidden feelings but could not tell anyone. I feel like a lot of people who relate to that, whether they are homosexual, lesbian, bisexual or even straight. People are often conflicted of their feelings towards others.
You do have a few spelling mistakes and therefore I think you should get a Beta. They are easy mistakes that Microsoft Word would not catch such as "your" instead of "you're."
Other than that I feel like you have a great start!
12/22/2008 c1 4B. J. Winters
Opening: I’m not sure I like the first paragraph. If I was sitting in a book store I’m not sure it would hook me - guys sitting at a table. Beef stew bubbling – cliché. I’d find something more dramatic to introduce the setting. Use all five senses – you have him looking and I particularly think you could do better than ‘army’ on the shirt to set the stage. How about some gunfire in the background - or sounds of the canteen. You have this a bit later, I’d put it right up front. I can’t tell if this is historic or present day. It needs more flavor in my opinion.
Dialogue: You show each character with a bit of different word choice. I can tell they are friends. I struggled with the bland commentary though – perhaps discussion of current events, vs. current state would be more engaging. Specifically – why would Jake be embarrassed – tell us what happened, what would prompt the heavy sighs - vs. having them speak philosophically.
Flow: I was struck by how many of your paragraphs start with ‘Jake’ (13). Each then has a verb next (Jake gazed, Jake looked). It felt very scripted. More transition words and variety would be my recommendation.
Al said when he gained wind of his friends voice (awkward verb choice, and its friend’s)
Descriptions/Characterization: Overall clear and consistent. I liked that I got to see Jake’s shaved head and the detail on the uniforms. But if you keep this high level of conversation in the opening – maybe have it set at the head shaving? That would seem more the place for it. To go on later with a “how long have we known each other” – when they are talking about why they are there in the opening just seemed off to me and not credible.
Setting: I'll repeat a bit here - use more of the senses. Good visuals, and some sound - but maybe we could smell the stew (rather than see if bubbling) or feel the steam. Round this out a bit for more color.
4B. J. WintersOpening: I’m not sure I like the first paragraph. If I was sitting in a book store I’m not sure it would hook me - guys sitting at a table. Beef stew bubbling – cliché. I’d find something more dramatic to introduce the setting. Use all five senses – you have him looking and I particularly think you could do better than ‘army’ on the shirt to set the stage. How about some gunfire in the background - or sounds of the canteen. You have this a bit later, I’d put it right up front. I can’t tell if this is historic or present day. It needs more flavor in my opinion.
Dialogue: You show each character with a bit of different word choice. I can tell they are friends. I struggled with the bland commentary though – perhaps discussion of current events, vs. current state would be more engaging. Specifically – why would Jake be embarrassed – tell us what happened, what would prompt the heavy sighs - vs. having them speak philosophically.
Flow: I was struck by how many of your paragraphs start with ‘Jake’ (13). Each then has a verb next (Jake gazed, Jake looked). It felt very scripted. More transition words and variety would be my recommendation.
Al said when he gained wind of his friends voice (awkward verb choice, and its friend’s)
Descriptions/Characterization: Overall clear and consistent. I liked that I got to see Jake’s shaved head and the detail on the uniforms. But if you keep this high level of conversation in the opening – maybe have it set at the head shaving? That would seem more the place for it. To go on later with a “how long have we known each other” – when they are talking about why they are there in the opening just seemed off to me and not credible.
Setting: I'll repeat a bit here - use more of the senses. Good visuals, and some sound - but maybe we could smell the stew (rather than see if bubbling) or feel the steam. Round this out a bit for more color.