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5/7/2013 c1 2Stereotypical Angel
...Oh. My. Fucking. God.

I'm totally new on FictionPress - although I've been on Fanfiction for over two years now. And honestly? I'm glad I read this story first, as a taster. Totally encouraged me to come on here more. .
3/20/2013 c21 WP
I really like your writing style! It's really enjoyable to read. But the ending seems too complicated. I get the feeling that there are clues about what really happened, but for a normal reader, it's too much to have to sift through the story again to look for the clues and be able to understand it. From a few other reviews, I think that some other readers feel the same way. It might be better to put the true story into words instead of only dropping hints.
1/16/2011 c2 5The Lucy Program
Still very good :D I like how your chapters names are after studies, and that you start each chapter with a sound. It's really unique :D
1/12/2011 c1 The Lucy Program
I really really liked it! :D Definitely will be reading more of this :)
11/22/2009 c21 muzikall
So I just read this entire story in a few hours, but I am really confused haha. I think I just read it too fast, but could you please PM me and explain what happened? Hahah I still don't know who killed Dante and why exactly Darla got killed, and what Luca and Tessa were doing with Dante.
10/14/2009 c21 8Written
absolutely stunning finish to this story. "stunning" as in, i'm stunned. half of me like WHAT and the other half is like WOW.

i'm still a little confused on the details, partly because i rushed through this story in the wee hours of the night and might have missed things. who killed dante? am i stupid for not figuring it out? watch, i'll remember reading it two seconds after i submit this review or something :)

anyway, thrilling story.
9/28/2009 c21 7RarahSarai
OMG! I loved this story and now Im crying...Is this the last chapter? OMG I have never been into a story so much. I loved it!
9/24/2009 c21 7Randomisation
oh no...i can't wait to find out what happens next...
9/14/2009 c2 5Radiant Coffee Mug
Usually, reading a story requires more than 1 chapter to do it some justice should I want to review it, so here it is, in some form of depth XP

First thing first. It's mystery. That's a rather big plus for me, especially if written well. It's not like other kinds of genres where... well, after reading some synopsis and some paragraphs, you kinda get the gist of it. Not to sound crude to anyone, but basically that's how I feel about fantasy stories relating to vampires, werewolves, teenage angst, and/or romance of any age.

I digress. Anyway, from the first two chapters, I've grasped a few things that allow me to find it an enjoyable read. It made me start thinking. That's a big plus - mysteries that make you think about it and making random hypotheses generally got the mystery portion down quite well, and that's a big plus. It's also even better because I got it from the characters' actions, dialogues, and their thoughts. Show no tell :D

However, there were a few places where you could get worked on. For example, some actions and descriptions required closer/more than one read over, since the sentences were not exactly concise, and made me confused. One part would have been GJ's exit from Tessa's, including his entry. Like, I couldn't exactly place what had exactly happened during that scene, and would like some clarification. The other part was mostly the vagueness that the entire chapter possessed. You aren't throwing out a lot, which is great (hence mystery), but some of that ended up making it like: huh? How did this happen? Did it happen just for the sake of happening? What I am talking about is transitions. Some of the transitions were not as clear and smooth as you probably liked them to be. A close read and examining the sentences might help clarifying that part.

The opening in italics was interesting, because I can't exactly see whether the two were the murderers, or involved in some sort of conspiracy, or were actually Tessa and Scott in the near future. Well, I guess I'll eventually find out, right? lol.

Another part that stands out in the two chapters (and possibly in the other chapters) is the engaging dialogue and details for the presentation of the story. I thought they were quite well-done, save for the fact that I can't grasp their age, their physical appearances (the age factor). Another part involving details that confused me was the actual murders, like, how was Scott able to link it all out? Why were the cops thinking, meh, just missing people? I take that this is an urban mystery setting, but why were the families uptight about the whole issue? It looked like a lot of conspiracies behind it, including all the stuff about religion (catholicism, Leviticus (sp?) and whatnot) I am interested in how you will bring these all together (and maybe better in execution than Dan Brown?)

Woah that's one damn long review... well, thanks for the pleasure of reading your work. This is the first good mystery story I've read in a long long time :)

9/4/2009 c1 8Double Plus Special

The italics at the start provide a brilliant teaser to hook the reader in. And I got hooked. Crime isn't really my thing, but the opening raised just enough questions too keep my interest without confusing me.

The way you've written Tessa and Scott's interactions has a lot of promise for an interesting romance. But it's not obviously heading that way and I'm not convinced I'm right with that prediction. Which is good. As two co-workers who clash against each other they are quite credible.

What I really like though, is your writing style. It doesn't seem over the top and yet it's got flare and descriptive power. You manage to paint the scenes beautifully but without it seeming forced or unnatural.

The plot seemed to flow naturally too. The main points arrived without being beaten into place and the necessary information about the character was weaved into the story without jarring.

So I liked it, and I think I'm going to read the rest now.
8/16/2009 c19 7Randomisation
great chapter can't wait for the next :D
8/6/2009 c19 30october lies
y'know what? you're a motherfucking genius.
7/8/2009 c16 8Lea Ai
Normally on a freebie I would just do a simple "I like this...because", but you seem to appreciate a more thorough review so I'll just point out anything that catches my eye as I'm reading it. I chose this chapter since it didn't have any reviews yet. :-D

First, I wanted to say, I always appreciate your style of writing so I like when you win my freebies :-D. Second, I haven't read the rest of this story (yet), but I like how I feel as if I can pick up anywhere and it's like I'm starting at the beginning. Yes, I have questions about their past, but I also feel like I am observing someone from this point in their life forward-I don't need a lot of backstory to enjoy it. You do a great job of making each chapter its own.

Okay...now for the official review...

"Several thousand dollar bills were in the billfold." - When I first read this, I thought, 'wow! that is a lot of dollar bills!'-possibly change this to several, thousand-dollar bills? However, I don't know if you are aware of this or not, but thousand dollar bills are no longer in general circulation as of 1969 (last printed in 1945) and they are usually found only in the hands of money collectors...the largest denomination in circulation now is the $100 bill.

"Shaking his head, Scott said, “Look, I just got thee lecture from your Daddy. Your stuck with me.”" - Should be "you're". Also, since it is italicized, I think you can leave it at "the" instead of "thee".

"Flipped the brass clasp, she splayed the selection of credit cards and identification for viewing." - Should be "Flipping". Also, right after that sentence, I think you could cut out the "Conversationally she said," It just feels like too much there and I think it would flow nicer without it.

"Lifting one bunch from their stash point, Tessa flipped through the collection."-You just used a form of "flip" a few paragraphs earlier...how about changing this one to: "sorted" or "rummaged" or "raked" or simply "went"?

"She vaguely remembered him mentioning something about a warning, but she’d never been able to ask for more information. They’d been too busy being shot at." - This made me laugh. Good sense of humor! :-D

“I’d heard things through the grape vine.” - Grapevine is one word.

“I’m gonna catch a cat nap, you may want to do the same.” - catnap is one word.

"Crossing his arms over his chest, he closed his own eyes, leaning back the leather seat and turning his face away." Remove "own"...who else's eyes would he close?

"Her ice blue eyes peered up to the window of her condominium, the ‘on’ living room lamp was noticeable, even through the closed curtains, though that in its self didn’t mean anything." - should be "itself".

"The building she chose to guide them to, was dark and still." Remove the comma between "to" and "was".

"Second nature maybe, as if she’d done it a thousand times before. The redhead stepped around the room and pulled all the blinds down, and checked the backdoor lock ‘just to make sure’." I think this should be one sentence: "Second nature maybe, as if she'd done it a thousand times before, the redhead stepped around the room, pulled all the blinds down, and checked the backdoor lock 'just to make sure'."

"effectively locking up the tiny arsenal.

A tiny smile forming across her full lips," You used tiny twice within two words. I suggest changing the second tiny to "small".

OH...what a great ending to the chapter. Definitely keeps you wanting to know more!

As always...great job! :-D
6/25/2009 c1 Elementer
Beginning: I like how you start off. It seems boring and the descriptions of what wasn't going on sets up what is going to happen.

Plot: The plot, isn't something I haven't seen before, but it is the first chapter so I'll give it a chance.what I see of the first chapter anyway. A coverup or conspiracy or whatever you want to call it, it sound boring. I know it's a crime epic but I've seen this a thousand times in other stories. You need to shake up the plot. do something that hasn't been done a million times over, or do what everyone does...only better. You chose.

Spelling/Grammar: Nothing I could see, however what I was really hoping for was some slang, it makes characters come to life, I barely see any of that. A 'cause, huh, hmm, yep would really help your charcters sound more human and down to Earth rather than preppy.

Writing: The dialouge, as I said before needs work, it sounds to generic, too...corny, but you have a wonderful sense of detail which helps set the mood for an epic.

In all I can tell athat I'm going to enjoy reading this, just work on the dialouge

9.1 out of 10

(P.S don't take it personal if I said your story wasn't really orginal, I loved it, I'm just a critical person and think that somethings need work.)
6/25/2009 c1 3Miss-You-Too
Ooh, I like this! It is very well written and an excellent tone to the story. I see a nice plot forming too that's causing me to be really curious! I love your characters too, especially Tessa! I'm going go read the other chapters because I really want to find out more!
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