for Must Be the Apocalypse5/13/2009 c1 Haley
OH GOSH update please. Um, a bit too much rambling but the overall effect is good :)
OH GOSH update please. Um, a bit too much rambling but the overall effect is good :)
5/12/2009 c2 
24fairies and snapple
I can't even figure out what your style is, but it's so so good! It's like they all, like, live in this totally detached world (far far from ours) and it's just... lovely. Again, wrong word, right sentiment? And I love the line: "Then he tries to breathe and act like a normal breathing acting person, not some guy who likes some girl and is totally incapable of being a normal breathing acting person, which is totally what he feels like, and fuck." It's just... really excellent.
24fairies and snappleI can't even figure out what your style is, but it's so so good! It's like they all, like, live in this totally detached world (far far from ours) and it's just... lovely. Again, wrong word, right sentiment? And I love the line: "Then he tries to breathe and act like a normal breathing acting person, not some guy who likes some girl and is totally incapable of being a normal breathing acting person, which is totally what he feels like, and fuck." It's just... really excellent.
5/12/2009 c1 fairies and snapple
No cringes! None! Charlie's so... oblivious and honest (it seems) and it's completely- charming is the wrong word, but it's the best I've got. Endearing, I guess. And I just love love your sort of choppy, over-explaining style of writing. It's so great!
No cringes! None! Charlie's so... oblivious and honest (it seems) and it's completely- charming is the wrong word, but it's the best I've got. Endearing, I guess. And I just love love your sort of choppy, over-explaining style of writing. It's so great!
5/10/2009 c2 5Radiant Coffee Mug
First of all, wow. Just wow.
The style at the beginning (Chapter 1) was sort of overwhelming, because it feels like I am sitting in a mind roller coaster with no obvious end, and it makes it almost having a headache trying to read and understand.
After that, I felt like this is better when made into a script and sent off to make a funny movie out of, except with an older cast or something.
Classic comedy lines filled the place, it's not that hard to get into Charlie's shoes and Finn's shoes and just think about how exactly they'd feel. Sum it up, very dramatic!
Thus, while I am not too used to the style it's presented, the content itself is pleasing and amusing, and continues to bombard my head like mad because it seriously hurts O_O
But, it was a good two-chapter read, I assure you.
There were some confusions between adjectives, adverbs, and verbs, which made it slightly hard to figure out how they acted, but other than that, other than the sporadic, erratic sessions inside a teenage boy's head dealing with the girl he likes who is also insane, and the chaotic little world he lives in, it's enough to be an epic piece of high school drama romance comedy. Congratulations ;)
~Kagami
5Radiant Coffee MugFirst of all, wow. Just wow.
The style at the beginning (Chapter 1) was sort of overwhelming, because it feels like I am sitting in a mind roller coaster with no obvious end, and it makes it almost having a headache trying to read and understand.
After that, I felt like this is better when made into a script and sent off to make a funny movie out of, except with an older cast or something.
Classic comedy lines filled the place, it's not that hard to get into Charlie's shoes and Finn's shoes and just think about how exactly they'd feel. Sum it up, very dramatic!
Thus, while I am not too used to the style it's presented, the content itself is pleasing and amusing, and continues to bombard my head like mad because it seriously hurts O_O
But, it was a good two-chapter read, I assure you.
There were some confusions between adjectives, adverbs, and verbs, which made it slightly hard to figure out how they acted, but other than that, other than the sporadic, erratic sessions inside a teenage boy's head dealing with the girl he likes who is also insane, and the chaotic little world he lives in, it's enough to be an epic piece of high school drama romance comedy. Congratulations ;)
~Kagami
4/13/2009 c2 4xxLilMizCadyxx
Dear Dot-Cubed,
Sorry I haven't reveiwed sooner! I've been seriously meaning to, but life has sucky ways of getting in the way of reviewing awesome stories.
As always, I adore the way you write this. It's so unique, I've never seen it done like this before. Fantastic! I also love Charlie's character, and the 'Fans' and their numbers was hilarious. Seriously, great.
I can't believe Lina! I'm so mad I could pop! Her and Charlie are great for each other! GET IT TOGETHER WOMAN!
All in all, I think that was a kickass chapter, and you should be proud of this story so far- don't worry about being a bad updater. I assure you I'm worse on some stories!
I just want to ask, that if you have enough time, could you maybe check out and review my story 'Addiction'? It might not be your style, and if it's not, that's fine, just let me know. I'd really appreciate it, because I love your writing.
Okay, I'm going to quit typing the huge long reveiw, and hit the little button that says 'Add Author to Favourites' already. Hee hee, I can get a little carried away sometimes!
Thanks, friend!
xx Caitlin
4xxLilMizCadyxxDear Dot-Cubed,
Sorry I haven't reveiwed sooner! I've been seriously meaning to, but life has sucky ways of getting in the way of reviewing awesome stories.
As always, I adore the way you write this. It's so unique, I've never seen it done like this before. Fantastic! I also love Charlie's character, and the 'Fans' and their numbers was hilarious. Seriously, great.
I can't believe Lina! I'm so mad I could pop! Her and Charlie are great for each other! GET IT TOGETHER WOMAN!
All in all, I think that was a kickass chapter, and you should be proud of this story so far- don't worry about being a bad updater. I assure you I'm worse on some stories!
I just want to ask, that if you have enough time, could you maybe check out and review my story 'Addiction'? It might not be your style, and if it's not, that's fine, just let me know. I'd really appreciate it, because I love your writing.
Okay, I'm going to quit typing the huge long reveiw, and hit the little button that says 'Add Author to Favourites' already. Hee hee, I can get a little carried away sometimes!
Thanks, friend!
xx Caitlin
3/18/2009 c2 8Written
haha, I remember that pokemon part! that made me laugh so much; brill! i think video games were SO MUCH EASIER when I was younger. I had a much higher capacity for repeating things millions of times over until I got it right.
I was carrie once, matchmaking my two friends. actually, its weird how much that works. those two friends of mine ended up dating, breaking up, dating eack other again for a long long long time (into college), and then breaking up but staying good friends. but they are like, the kind of good friends who secretly want to marry each other. ew, we're old enough now that we can think about marriage. by we, I mean my friends, not you, DQ. you're still young!
OH THE FANS YAY.
(Charlie just sort of stares at the yellow smiley face, and then looks back at the Fans. They’re watching him with such mixed expressions (Fans 3 + 5 look bored, Fan #4 looks like he’s on another planet, Fan #2 looks hopeful, and Fan #1 looks intense and impatient), and he wants to laugh but knows that won’t get him places. He just—the whole thing is just so stupid. That’s really the only way to describe it.)
hahahaha THE FANS YAY. oh wait, I already said that. they are like, seriously my faves!
AGH DQ. I really think you won't let them be together BUT I WISH I COULD URGE YOU TO CHANGE YOUR MIND. lina and charlie are like the epic couple of FP, in my mind, and it would be a crying shame if the end was just like "AND THEN THEY WENT THEIR SEPARATE WAYS AND CHARLIE ENDED UP WITH MER. THE END."
okay, it would be good if you wrote it but I REALLY WANT THEM TO BE TOGETHERR.
anyway... aqualung rocks!
8Writtenhaha, I remember that pokemon part! that made me laugh so much; brill! i think video games were SO MUCH EASIER when I was younger. I had a much higher capacity for repeating things millions of times over until I got it right.
I was carrie once, matchmaking my two friends. actually, its weird how much that works. those two friends of mine ended up dating, breaking up, dating eack other again for a long long long time (into college), and then breaking up but staying good friends. but they are like, the kind of good friends who secretly want to marry each other. ew, we're old enough now that we can think about marriage. by we, I mean my friends, not you, DQ. you're still young!
OH THE FANS YAY.
(Charlie just sort of stares at the yellow smiley face, and then looks back at the Fans. They’re watching him with such mixed expressions (Fans 3 + 5 look bored, Fan #4 looks like he’s on another planet, Fan #2 looks hopeful, and Fan #1 looks intense and impatient), and he wants to laugh but knows that won’t get him places. He just—the whole thing is just so stupid. That’s really the only way to describe it.)
hahahaha THE FANS YAY. oh wait, I already said that. they are like, seriously my faves!
AGH DQ. I really think you won't let them be together BUT I WISH I COULD URGE YOU TO CHANGE YOUR MIND. lina and charlie are like the epic couple of FP, in my mind, and it would be a crying shame if the end was just like "AND THEN THEY WENT THEIR SEPARATE WAYS AND CHARLIE ENDED UP WITH MER. THE END."
okay, it would be good if you wrote it but I REALLY WANT THEM TO BE TOGETHERR.
anyway... aqualung rocks!
2/8/2009 c1 5Dr Chili Pepper
! Review Game !
I think the best and worst thing (yes, thing singular) about this chapter is probably the style. In some ways, I dislike the style. It's often confusing, it makes my brain run in circles, and you often say such things as "So. Crazy. Right." and "Okay. Here we go. Here's Crazy Girl." It just seems kind of pointless.
However, in other ways, I really love the style. It makes your story stick in my head in a way other stories slide out. And somehow it makes it seem more real, like you're actually Charlie. The way a lot of people write is the way they talk, but the way you write is the way you think. I think that way too. Way to go.
I'll read on.
5Dr Chili Pepper! Review Game !
I think the best and worst thing (yes, thing singular) about this chapter is probably the style. In some ways, I dislike the style. It's often confusing, it makes my brain run in circles, and you often say such things as "So. Crazy. Right." and "Okay. Here we go. Here's Crazy Girl." It just seems kind of pointless.
However, in other ways, I really love the style. It makes your story stick in my head in a way other stories slide out. And somehow it makes it seem more real, like you're actually Charlie. The way a lot of people write is the way they talk, but the way you write is the way you think. I think that way too. Way to go.
I'll read on.
2/8/2009 c1 3PacificBlue
I loved this, for a few different reasons. The style of writing really drew me in from the beginning, and i loved how it was from third-person point of view, you never really see that very often. I thought that the length of the chapter was perfect, it might seem short to some, but i thought it was ended at a perfect point.
One suggestion was about grammar, because at one point, you said 'cause'. Honestly though, i didn't see almost any errors, it was very well-edited.
Nice work, keep writing!
3PacificBlueI loved this, for a few different reasons. The style of writing really drew me in from the beginning, and i loved how it was from third-person point of view, you never really see that very often. I thought that the length of the chapter was perfect, it might seem short to some, but i thought it was ended at a perfect point.
One suggestion was about grammar, because at one point, you said 'cause'. Honestly though, i didn't see almost any errors, it was very well-edited.
Nice work, keep writing!
1/25/2009 c1 5inkspatters
Congrats on winning the Review Marathon! Sorry your prize is belated, but here it is.
Okay, I absolutely love this. It has a certain immediacy to it, which is great because it kept hooking me into the story. I also love the way that even though this is third person, it is very reminiscent of first person. The characters thoughts get cut off and start up again and go off on tangents. It's really, really interesting and it works well. This is, like, the perfect balance between third and first person, because I still get up close to your characters, but I also get more perspective on the story.
Great job :)
I think I'll go read meditation now!
5inkspattersCongrats on winning the Review Marathon! Sorry your prize is belated, but here it is.
Okay, I absolutely love this. It has a certain immediacy to it, which is great because it kept hooking me into the story. I also love the way that even though this is third person, it is very reminiscent of first person. The characters thoughts get cut off and start up again and go off on tangents. It's really, really interesting and it works well. This is, like, the perfect balance between third and first person, because I still get up close to your characters, but I also get more perspective on the story.
Great job :)
I think I'll go read meditation now!
1/23/2009 c1 asklefjaeihog
Yer second prize review from the review marathon from me, Monk, courtesy of dragonflydreamer,
So, I definitely am in love with the tone of this piece. It just screams first person point of view, and you have to actually remind yourself that it's in third person. I just think that's a really neat trick. Also, I love the commanding force of the voice. Like, its self-aware that it goes off on some tangents and it's like, UGH HERE. LISTEN. Really clever.
Suggestions:
I think you say 'crazy' way too much in this chapter. And, it's a shorter chapter (by my standards... I tend to write 7k worded chapters or so), so each time you say it, the more it loses the desired effect, you know? And, I think this is such a compact intro that you want each work to be as meaningful as possible and avoid transient, filler type things.
So, yeah. Hope this helps! Write on.
-Monk
Yer second prize review from the review marathon from me, Monk, courtesy of dragonflydreamer,
So, I definitely am in love with the tone of this piece. It just screams first person point of view, and you have to actually remind yourself that it's in third person. I just think that's a really neat trick. Also, I love the commanding force of the voice. Like, its self-aware that it goes off on some tangents and it's like, UGH HERE. LISTEN. Really clever.
Suggestions:
I think you say 'crazy' way too much in this chapter. And, it's a shorter chapter (by my standards... I tend to write 7k worded chapters or so), so each time you say it, the more it loses the desired effect, you know? And, I think this is such a compact intro that you want each work to be as meaningful as possible and avoid transient, filler type things.
So, yeah. Hope this helps! Write on.
-Monk
1/6/2009 c1 3ForTheJokes
Happy New Year! Also, thanks for a little of the eighth (wow that's a strange word) grade background story and I think I'm going to like things from Charlie's point of view.
3ForTheJokesHappy New Year! Also, thanks for a little of the eighth (wow that's a strange word) grade background story and I think I'm going to like things from Charlie's point of view.
1/3/2009 c1 la bonne annee
This has a very distinct style to it, very stream of conciousness, no? To be honest, some of the extra words (okay, 'cuz you know, anyway), mostly the stuff where you're addressing the reader, gets a little bit in the way of the flow of the piece. I would tone it down just a bit, because to me this literally reads like someone's internal thoughts, and I prefer a bit more structure mixed in (Catcher in the Rye has the perfect balance). But that's really persoanl opinion.
I like your characters, especially Finn for some reason. I like how he pushes his glasses a lot, and I liked how he tries to push Charlie around a bit, but at the end when Lina was yelling at him, he just stared at the floor. I thought that was very telling of his dispositon, as well as believable in a real character.
This has a very distinct style to it, very stream of conciousness, no? To be honest, some of the extra words (okay, 'cuz you know, anyway), mostly the stuff where you're addressing the reader, gets a little bit in the way of the flow of the piece. I would tone it down just a bit, because to me this literally reads like someone's internal thoughts, and I prefer a bit more structure mixed in (Catcher in the Rye has the perfect balance). But that's really persoanl opinion.
I like your characters, especially Finn for some reason. I like how he pushes his glasses a lot, and I liked how he tries to push Charlie around a bit, but at the end when Lina was yelling at him, he just stared at the floor. I thought that was very telling of his dispositon, as well as believable in a real character.
1/3/2009 c1 Tetue
Congrats on winning the freebie. Your review:
REVIEW
I definitely liked the rambling feel of the entire chapter / story(?). It portrayed something like shocked / surprised / dealing with it as it comes and smacks you in the face, not before or after. So saying: I was somewhat disappointed at meeting Lina.
The narration had set it up so that there seemed to be something spectacularly weird about her soon to be revealed, but all that I could get from this chapter / story(?) was that Lina has mood swings, no sense of humor, and might or might not be a drama queen. If she’d slapped Charlie, or stolen his paper to cross out all the ‘Crazy Girl’, then meticulously written in ‘Queen of the World, DeRangeo’ above all the cross-outs, she would have instead come across as quirky.
It was just weird, how Charlie’s going on and on about how the meeting incredibly strange for him, when technically, he did break in, technically he was the one ‘spying’, and technically he was the one calling someone else ‘Crazy Girl’. What Lina did was more normal than what Charlie did, actually. And since you hadn’t provided a scene or something that would give a clue as to why Lina had been crying, it seems as though she did have a legit reason for crying. Perhaps the only odd thing about her would be the stop-crying thing, but she WAS still sniffling, so that wasn’t too weird.
Other:
[Instead, what Charlie decides to say is breathtakingly intelligent in its obvious stupidity.]
This definitely didn’t make sense, the [breathtakingly intelligent] bit. How can something be [breathtakingly intelligent in its obvious stupidity]? You didn’t really provide an explanation, however rambling-like they explanation may be.
GRAMMAR REVIEW
A lot of your grammar mistakes seem deliberate for the rambling style of your writing, but I’ll point them out anyway, in case I catch something that wasn’t. I left out the capitalization mistakes, because I could definitely tell that they were stylistic. The others: I couldn’t, so much. =P
1. [Finn shows up. He’s carrying a large plank of wood, which he deposits none-too-nicely right next to his paper and then blots out the sun.]
2. [Finn sighs, heavily, and in that moment Charlie’s pretty sure he’s remembering the soccer ball.]
The paper belongs to Charlie, correct? Because you named Finn, every pronoun thereafter would automatically be assumed in the readers’ minds as replacements for ‘Finn’, rather than ‘Charlie’. In the second excerpt, Finn’s the one remembering? It’s not that much of a problem, but there are moments when it could get really, really confusing.
[it’s not difficult to understand, it just that it seems really implausible,]
1. Comma splice. Replace the comma with a semi-colon, or something, so that it doesn’t stay a run-on sentence, if you don’t want it to. Semi-colons still convey that what comes after is directly to what came before.
2. The [it just] should be ‘it’s just’. Typo. ;P
-next-
1. [because he wasn’t, not really, it just—it wasn’t private, but it wasn’t—]
2. [Finn read it, what happened happened.]
3. [that moment, she’s crazy, because no sane person would go insane.]
Comma splice again.
CONCLUSION
Overall, I like the style and Charlie’s infinitely weirder than Lina, the way you’ve portrayed the both of them. I really can’t understand what’s so weird about Lina. =O That made the entire chapter more tell than show. You told everyone and everything that Lina was weird. But evidently, Charlie’s the weird one. (Who actually tries to narrate or journalize the chaos around them for no apparent reason? O.o)
Thanks for writing; it was definitely a pleasure reading.
- Tetue
Congrats on winning the freebie. Your review:
REVIEW
I definitely liked the rambling feel of the entire chapter / story(?). It portrayed something like shocked / surprised / dealing with it as it comes and smacks you in the face, not before or after. So saying: I was somewhat disappointed at meeting Lina.
The narration had set it up so that there seemed to be something spectacularly weird about her soon to be revealed, but all that I could get from this chapter / story(?) was that Lina has mood swings, no sense of humor, and might or might not be a drama queen. If she’d slapped Charlie, or stolen his paper to cross out all the ‘Crazy Girl’, then meticulously written in ‘Queen of the World, DeRangeo’ above all the cross-outs, she would have instead come across as quirky.
It was just weird, how Charlie’s going on and on about how the meeting incredibly strange for him, when technically, he did break in, technically he was the one ‘spying’, and technically he was the one calling someone else ‘Crazy Girl’. What Lina did was more normal than what Charlie did, actually. And since you hadn’t provided a scene or something that would give a clue as to why Lina had been crying, it seems as though she did have a legit reason for crying. Perhaps the only odd thing about her would be the stop-crying thing, but she WAS still sniffling, so that wasn’t too weird.
Other:
[Instead, what Charlie decides to say is breathtakingly intelligent in its obvious stupidity.]
This definitely didn’t make sense, the [breathtakingly intelligent] bit. How can something be [breathtakingly intelligent in its obvious stupidity]? You didn’t really provide an explanation, however rambling-like they explanation may be.
GRAMMAR REVIEW
A lot of your grammar mistakes seem deliberate for the rambling style of your writing, but I’ll point them out anyway, in case I catch something that wasn’t. I left out the capitalization mistakes, because I could definitely tell that they were stylistic. The others: I couldn’t, so much. =P
1. [Finn shows up. He’s carrying a large plank of wood, which he deposits none-too-nicely right next to his paper and then blots out the sun.]
2. [Finn sighs, heavily, and in that moment Charlie’s pretty sure he’s remembering the soccer ball.]
The paper belongs to Charlie, correct? Because you named Finn, every pronoun thereafter would automatically be assumed in the readers’ minds as replacements for ‘Finn’, rather than ‘Charlie’. In the second excerpt, Finn’s the one remembering? It’s not that much of a problem, but there are moments when it could get really, really confusing.
[it’s not difficult to understand, it just that it seems really implausible,]
1. Comma splice. Replace the comma with a semi-colon, or something, so that it doesn’t stay a run-on sentence, if you don’t want it to. Semi-colons still convey that what comes after is directly to what came before.
2. The [it just] should be ‘it’s just’. Typo. ;P
-next-
1. [because he wasn’t, not really, it just—it wasn’t private, but it wasn’t—]
2. [Finn read it, what happened happened.]
3. [that moment, she’s crazy, because no sane person would go insane.]
Comma splice again.
CONCLUSION
Overall, I like the style and Charlie’s infinitely weirder than Lina, the way you’ve portrayed the both of them. I really can’t understand what’s so weird about Lina. =O That made the entire chapter more tell than show. You told everyone and everything that Lina was weird. But evidently, Charlie’s the weird one. (Who actually tries to narrate or journalize the chaos around them for no apparent reason? O.o)
Thanks for writing; it was definitely a pleasure reading.
- Tetue
1/3/2009 c1 4GrannyP
So this is a very interesting form of narration. It kind of reminds me of a commentary track or something. It's like we're listening to some kind of recording of someone talking about some past event, and the line breaks are there the tape has stopped and then started up at some later time. But then there are other parts where it's like the narrator is telling us about something that he/she is watching at that exact moment, MST3K style or something. Haha!
Anyway, I got the feeling that this was where it all started between Charlie and Lina back in the eighth grade. It feels kind of weird to be going that far back in time (for me, because eighth grade was like a million years ago) and see how it still effects the characters in the present age. Which, of course, is perfectly natural because that's how people work.
Well, Crazy Girl should be fun to follow, I think.
4GrannyPSo this is a very interesting form of narration. It kind of reminds me of a commentary track or something. It's like we're listening to some kind of recording of someone talking about some past event, and the line breaks are there the tape has stopped and then started up at some later time. But then there are other parts where it's like the narrator is telling us about something that he/she is watching at that exact moment, MST3K style or something. Haha!
Anyway, I got the feeling that this was where it all started between Charlie and Lina back in the eighth grade. It feels kind of weird to be going that far back in time (for me, because eighth grade was like a million years ago) and see how it still effects the characters in the present age. Which, of course, is perfectly natural because that's how people work.
Well, Crazy Girl should be fun to follow, I think.
1/2/2009 c1 mgouda
okay, so i think Charlie Forrester is just about the best male lead. like, ever. seriously.
i read your other two stories, but i think i like Lina's POV was much more amusing. but anyways.
i love the way you right Charlie's thought process- so real and chaotic. i think these are probably my favorite lines. on this story and on fanfiction:
"There’s no organization. There’s just people, running around and doing dangerous things with power tools but the weird part of it is the group singing in the corner, like exiled or something, and really, he doesn’t understand that."
“There’s no ship here,”
"“Uh…” and then he trails off, because he really doesn’t know what he’s doing. He’s writing? He’s not supposed to be here? Why are you crazy?"
okay, so i think Charlie Forrester is just about the best male lead. like, ever. seriously.
i read your other two stories, but i think i like Lina's POV was much more amusing. but anyways.
i love the way you right Charlie's thought process- so real and chaotic. i think these are probably my favorite lines. on this story and on fanfiction:
"There’s no organization. There’s just people, running around and doing dangerous things with power tools but the weird part of it is the group singing in the corner, like exiled or something, and really, he doesn’t understand that."
“There’s no ship here,”
"“Uh…” and then he trails off, because he really doesn’t know what he’s doing. He’s writing? He’s not supposed to be here? Why are you crazy?"