for River7/4/2009 c2 
178skyward squidly squee
Hey, Miss Bob. You know this is for me losing at TBT. Sorry it's been so long, really!
Okay. I had actually read this before you asked me to review it. And I love this!
I love the plot; it's different and creative. And I actually find it relate-able. Typing really simple stories into the computer that almost make me cry. And it just gets better in the second part. One thing: At one point in the first one River is talking to the other couple in the story until Evelyn interrupts them, then it's like they're not there. They might have left or just stood there. Or there story could have just frozen while River and Evelyn talked. But it doesn't say.. I know it would have been hard to make it flow in there, and those two are hardly the focus of this. And now I've gone on about something none too important.
Of course, the grammar is wonderful. And I love the dialect used! It makes the reading beautiful, and also tragic in a way, just from the feel of it.
And there are little things that are so good. I love " Never ever write disjointedly in the middle of the day? " & it's kind of funny when River's talking to the other couple about how cruel Evelyn is for how she chose to make them suffer in the way she wrote. I also like how River says things like "Oh, Evelyn, is this how you deem to save me?" & "Oh dear Evelyn, have I confused you?" Oh. And the one thing in here that has been memorable for me, .
178skyward squidly squeeHey, Miss Bob. You know this is for me losing at TBT. Sorry it's been so long, really!
Okay. I had actually read this before you asked me to review it. And I love this!
I love the plot; it's different and creative. And I actually find it relate-able. Typing really simple stories into the computer that almost make me cry. And it just gets better in the second part. One thing: At one point in the first one River is talking to the other couple in the story until Evelyn interrupts them, then it's like they're not there. They might have left or just stood there. Or there story could have just frozen while River and Evelyn talked. But it doesn't say.. I know it would have been hard to make it flow in there, and those two are hardly the focus of this. And now I've gone on about something none too important.
Of course, the grammar is wonderful. And I love the dialect used! It makes the reading beautiful, and also tragic in a way, just from the feel of it.
And there are little things that are so good. I love " Never ever write disjointedly in the middle of the day? " & it's kind of funny when River's talking to the other couple about how cruel Evelyn is for how she chose to make them suffer in the way she wrote. I also like how River says things like "Oh, Evelyn, is this how you deem to save me?" & "Oh dear Evelyn, have I confused you?" Oh. And the one thing in here that has been memorable for me, .
4/4/2009 c1 12SuzannaR
hiya Beetles :)
Wow this was so mysterious :) I really like stories like that, that makes you go and reread it to see what else you can pick up.
This sounds a bit familiar to me, like something I;ve read before but with a dark twist. I like the idea that she hears the characters in her head and then just writes out the words.
I;m glad that you continued this because there was a lot more that could be said after the first chapter, a lot of burning questions.
Grammar Things;
"That is all I ask"- it doesn't show here but in the story the I is not in italics while the rest is.
"To come back to him, he finally gave in"- To come back to him? This doesn't seem to fit here.
Very interesting
s
12SuzannaRhiya Beetles :)
Wow this was so mysterious :) I really like stories like that, that makes you go and reread it to see what else you can pick up.
This sounds a bit familiar to me, like something I;ve read before but with a dark twist. I like the idea that she hears the characters in her head and then just writes out the words.
I;m glad that you continued this because there was a lot more that could be said after the first chapter, a lot of burning questions.
Grammar Things;
"That is all I ask"- it doesn't show here but in the story the I is not in italics while the rest is.
"To come back to him, he finally gave in"- To come back to him? This doesn't seem to fit here.
Very interesting
s
4/4/2009 c2 8Lea Ai
Heartbreaking. Another very creative story. Are you going to continue this?
I loved the overall concept of him writing to her as if it were a story she were reading. The little twists like "He chuckled, and sat down on the sofa, stuffing and plumping the cushions till he was settled." helped us to "see" him through her eyes. Well thought out.
I laughed out loud at her comment to herself, "‘Hello, PC world? No, I don’t think I asked for my desktop to be Ouija enabled.’" Very amusing.
There were a few minor spelling/grammar errors though. In the third paragraph, "key board" should be one word. In the fourth paragraph, it should be "sake", not "sakes". And finally, in the second paragraph after the break, it reads "she said out loud as the flicked..." should be "as she flicked".
I really hope you take this "One shot wonder gone wild." and make it a book!
8Lea AiHeartbreaking. Another very creative story. Are you going to continue this?
I loved the overall concept of him writing to her as if it were a story she were reading. The little twists like "He chuckled, and sat down on the sofa, stuffing and plumping the cushions till he was settled." helped us to "see" him through her eyes. Well thought out.
I laughed out loud at her comment to herself, "‘Hello, PC world? No, I don’t think I asked for my desktop to be Ouija enabled.’" Very amusing.
There were a few minor spelling/grammar errors though. In the third paragraph, "key board" should be one word. In the fourth paragraph, it should be "sake", not "sakes". And finally, in the second paragraph after the break, it reads "she said out loud as the flicked..." should be "as she flicked".
I really hope you take this "One shot wonder gone wild." and make it a book!
4/2/2009 c2 13Nicki BluIs
T_T This takes "ghostwriter" to a whole new level! I liked the River's mannerism and way of speaking. Very smouldering romance-y.
I didn't like the "PC world" bit in the 1st chap. Don't get me wrong, it was funny and all but I didnt feel it ws appropriate to the tone of the piece. Clever quips do not belong in bittersweet love stories.
Any chance of expanding this one shot wonder? I mean I realize he's dead and.. well not much you can do with that plot wise... but a girl can dream!
Bubbles :P
13Nicki BluIsT_T This takes "ghostwriter" to a whole new level! I liked the River's mannerism and way of speaking. Very smouldering romance-y.
I didn't like the "PC world" bit in the 1st chap. Don't get me wrong, it was funny and all but I didnt feel it ws appropriate to the tone of the piece. Clever quips do not belong in bittersweet love stories.
Any chance of expanding this one shot wonder? I mean I realize he's dead and.. well not much you can do with that plot wise... but a girl can dream!
Bubbles :P
3/21/2009 c2 Left FP
This is for the FREEBIE I owed. Sorry it took so long:
Firstly, the story appealed to me because of it's originality. Love lost is a common topic, but the way you have treated this is fresh and simple.
Personally, I love obnoxious characters especially the dead ones. Rivers found favor in my sight almost at once.
The only grammar error I found was a typo in the first chapter - it should be 'from' and not 'form'.
Like I said, a nice way of approaching the concept. I LOVED IT.
Wish I could give you more concrit, but it was such a beautiful piece of writing, I haven't the heart to ruin it.
Good work, Beatles.
Love,
Bender!
This is for the FREEBIE I owed. Sorry it took so long:
Firstly, the story appealed to me because of it's originality. Love lost is a common topic, but the way you have treated this is fresh and simple.
Personally, I love obnoxious characters especially the dead ones. Rivers found favor in my sight almost at once.
The only grammar error I found was a typo in the first chapter - it should be 'from' and not 'form'.
Like I said, a nice way of approaching the concept. I LOVED IT.
Wish I could give you more concrit, but it was such a beautiful piece of writing, I haven't the heart to ruin it.
Good work, Beatles.
Love,
Bender!
3/4/2009 c2 14improvisationallychallenged
:'(
So sad...
Okay *cracks knuckles* serious review time - ban is now on smilies in all shape and form:
This is a poignant and wonderful idea - the thought of a writer/novelist haunted by a dead friend through her writing...
Are you going to expand on this? Cause it's a really fresh twist on a pretty well worn (= popular) idea. The dialogue between Eve and River is the highlight, and the sense of Eve being forced to write River's interactions against her will or without realising it is chillingly clear without being over done.
However, concrit time - there seems to be a division style wise. There'll be a beautiful moment but then a sudden jolting gag. (‘Hello, PC world? No, I don’t think I asked for my desktop to be Ouija enabled.) I found that individually, they're both entertaining in their own right, but put together, it feels like a clash. That's just my opinion - listening to it is not compulsory. Then again, if this was a late night plot bunny, of course it will be a bit scrambled. There is some real potential in here - tis a bunny that could go far...
14improvisationallychallenged:'(
So sad...
Okay *cracks knuckles* serious review time - ban is now on smilies in all shape and form:
This is a poignant and wonderful idea - the thought of a writer/novelist haunted by a dead friend through her writing...
Are you going to expand on this? Cause it's a really fresh twist on a pretty well worn (= popular) idea. The dialogue between Eve and River is the highlight, and the sense of Eve being forced to write River's interactions against her will or without realising it is chillingly clear without being over done.
However, concrit time - there seems to be a division style wise. There'll be a beautiful moment but then a sudden jolting gag. (‘Hello, PC world? No, I don’t think I asked for my desktop to be Ouija enabled.) I found that individually, they're both entertaining in their own right, but put together, it feels like a clash. That's just my opinion - listening to it is not compulsory. Then again, if this was a late night plot bunny, of course it will be a bit scrambled. There is some real potential in here - tis a bunny that could go far...
2/15/2009 c2 Carus
Brought to you due to me losing in the arcade at Break Writer's Block forum XD
:(
The ending! Oh my gawsh! That is so so sad. And you had me believing it actually could happen.
What an original idea :) I've never seen this sort of thing before, and it was believable.
One little picky grammar point (ch. 1):
"Evelyn sat ramrod straight in her office chair. Her fingers frozen on the keyboard."
It should be either a comma instead of a full stop, or it should say "Her fingers were frozen on the keyboard." I think, anyway, haha.
I liked the beginning of the story, too, as it's (obviously) something everyone on FP can relate to.
Ooh another grammar thing (ch. 1 again):
"Who to write today? She mused."
I think, though I'm not sure, that 'She' should be 'she'. Actually yes it should be a lower case 's' because it's a continuation of the sentence. Think of it like dialogue :)
Anyway, I like this story! It's a great concept and you've written it well.
-Amy
Brought to you due to me losing in the arcade at Break Writer's Block forum XD
:(
The ending! Oh my gawsh! That is so so sad. And you had me believing it actually could happen.
What an original idea :) I've never seen this sort of thing before, and it was believable.
One little picky grammar point (ch. 1):
"Evelyn sat ramrod straight in her office chair. Her fingers frozen on the keyboard."
It should be either a comma instead of a full stop, or it should say "Her fingers were frozen on the keyboard." I think, anyway, haha.
I liked the beginning of the story, too, as it's (obviously) something everyone on FP can relate to.
Ooh another grammar thing (ch. 1 again):
"Who to write today? She mused."
I think, though I'm not sure, that 'She' should be 'she'. Actually yes it should be a lower case 's' because it's a continuation of the sentence. Think of it like dialogue :)
Anyway, I like this story! It's a great concept and you've written it well.
-Amy
1/15/2009 c2 Spazz-O-Spades
Yes:
=D
EPIC WIN!
XP Gamer talk
thanks for telling em you wrote a new chapter!
~Miki
Yes:
=D
EPIC WIN!
XP Gamer talk
thanks for telling em you wrote a new chapter!
~Miki
1/1/2009 c1 2A Shade Of Gray
i agree you should continue, i really liked it, creepy. its so good its got me caught :D
2A Shade Of Grayi agree you should continue, i really liked it, creepy. its so good its got me caught :D