for Stay Gold Redux1/3/2009 c2 
13blurrylights
I had to read the end of the chapter twice to understand it. You showed the original change of the POV, but you didn't show the change back to Aislynn's pov, so make sure you fix that.
How come she's not friends with Leighton and Sarah anymore? They don't seem to blame her.
Anyway, this is pretty good so far. Update soon!
13blurrylightsI had to read the end of the chapter twice to understand it. You showed the original change of the POV, but you didn't show the change back to Aislynn's pov, so make sure you fix that.
How come she's not friends with Leighton and Sarah anymore? They don't seem to blame her.
Anyway, this is pretty good so far. Update soon!
1/3/2009 c1 blurrylights
A re-write? Nice..:)
Good first chapter. The grammar and mechanics were much better, though there were still a few things I noticed. overall though, your GUMS were good.
Content wise, i still think it's a little improbable that Madeline would blame Aislynn for not getting in. It was her who offered to help, so I don't really understand that. And her friends too..if you had made it so that she didn't say that, but still ran away upset, it would make a little bit more sense.
A re-write? Nice..:)
Good first chapter. The grammar and mechanics were much better, though there were still a few things I noticed. overall though, your GUMS were good.
Content wise, i still think it's a little improbable that Madeline would blame Aislynn for not getting in. It was her who offered to help, so I don't really understand that. And her friends too..if you had made it so that she didn't say that, but still ran away upset, it would make a little bit more sense.