for Dark Valley6/7/2010 c31 Narq
I think that main main problem with this is that it is all tell and not show - but it seems to be this is your style so I don't have anything so say, really.
I think that main main problem with this is that it is all tell and not show - but it seems to be this is your style so I don't have anything so say, really.
6/7/2010 c30 Narq
"a lazy when" - a lazy time? maybe?
"a lazy when" - a lazy time? maybe?
6/6/2010 c29 
9Narq
Hm... the 3 and 5 should all be written out in English ;)
nice to see you're back writing!
9NarqHm... the 3 and 5 should all be written out in English ;)
nice to see you're back writing!
6/6/2010 c28 Narq
Ah~ you've updated!
I kept on feeling that your narrative style reminded me of something - now I remember! It's lord of the ring-y!
:D
Ah~ you've updated!
I kept on feeling that your narrative style reminded me of something - now I remember! It's lord of the ring-y!
:D
9/25/2009 c24 Narq
This is a really really good story and I love the story plot line and everything, but what I'd really like is more show and less tell,
"That night as they all sat around the fire doing nothing in particular. Jackson went over to Esmeralda and talked to her for a while, before he went away, he gave Esmeralda a kiss on the cheek. Too surprised to do anything, Esmeralda just stood there. Eaderic and Mike saw him kiss Esmeralda so as soon as he went into his tent they went over to Esmeralda to ask what was going on. Esmeralda just looked on them with still surprised eyes saying that she had no idea. Eaderic then walked away while Mike stayed." - you could actaully show this, rather than spell everything out, but still, this is good. It's your voice :)
This is a really really good story and I love the story plot line and everything, but what I'd really like is more show and less tell,
"That night as they all sat around the fire doing nothing in particular. Jackson went over to Esmeralda and talked to her for a while, before he went away, he gave Esmeralda a kiss on the cheek. Too surprised to do anything, Esmeralda just stood there. Eaderic and Mike saw him kiss Esmeralda so as soon as he went into his tent they went over to Esmeralda to ask what was going on. Esmeralda just looked on them with still surprised eyes saying that she had no idea. Eaderic then walked away while Mike stayed." - you could actaully show this, rather than spell everything out, but still, this is good. It's your voice :)
9/25/2009 c23 Narq
Oh, Mauvais... scary~
With him breathing down her neck it is certainly creepy! Great work!
Oh, Mauvais... scary~
With him breathing down her neck it is certainly creepy! Great work!
9/25/2009 c22 Narq
Hey, good chapter, this one :)
I really like the way you're wrapping up stuff and how there's a sincere tone in the character's voices.
Hey, good chapter, this one :)
I really like the way you're wrapping up stuff and how there's a sincere tone in the character's voices.
9/25/2009 c21 Narq
ha, it's funny about emily. Good thing that you mentioned it!
And, I love the eagle, so majestic and wonderful~
ha, it's funny about emily. Good thing that you mentioned it!
And, I love the eagle, so majestic and wonderful~
9/25/2009 c20 Narq
Aw... short chappy,
but still really good!
Aw... short chappy,
but still really good!
9/25/2009 c19 Narq
hey, still remember me?
This is really good~ great job for continueing after such a long time!
hey, still remember me?
This is really good~ great job for continueing after such a long time!
9/25/2009 c9 Bddssgsydhdndk
You wrote this at nine years old? I like it and think that it is very good for a nine year old but if you ever decide on revising it now that you are older you should add more detail but it is good still. Now I am going to shut up and finish reading.
You wrote this at nine years old? I like it and think that it is very good for a nine year old but if you ever decide on revising it now that you are older you should add more detail but it is good still. Now I am going to shut up and finish reading.
9/7/2009 c18 5CuriousContradiction
I really liked the beginning. :) It's good to see more dialogue because now we know more about the characters. You did a really great job on giving each character a voice.
I did think that you could spread out King Daniel, Queen Rachel, Prince Jackson, and Prince Greg's physical descriptions out a little more. I mean, yes, it's nice to know how they look, but instead of cramming it all into a few sentences, it would be nice to have the physical appearances and details spread out slowly, you know?
Other than that, things look like they're really getting intense. Great chapter! :)
5CuriousContradictionI really liked the beginning. :) It's good to see more dialogue because now we know more about the characters. You did a really great job on giving each character a voice.
I did think that you could spread out King Daniel, Queen Rachel, Prince Jackson, and Prince Greg's physical descriptions out a little more. I mean, yes, it's nice to know how they look, but instead of cramming it all into a few sentences, it would be nice to have the physical appearances and details spread out slowly, you know?
Other than that, things look like they're really getting intense. Great chapter! :)