for Sisters5/9/2009 c1 Aqua-eagle Sunshine
I thought the dialogue was really good...very natural and not over done.
It was quite emotional but in such away that it's not the typical 'heart to heart' which i think makes it brilliant and more realistic. The title is simple but effective it attracted me because i have an older sister, making me want to read it more. The ending was fitting...it went well with the rest of it and wasn't too much, but at the sime time makes you feel all nice inside. Also at first I thought victoria was more mature but as it went on my view of Bridget began to change she seemed to understand things about her parents more and stuff. Overall i thought it was an enjoyable read and the relationship between the sisters was true to real life.
I thought the dialogue was really good...very natural and not over done.
It was quite emotional but in such away that it's not the typical 'heart to heart' which i think makes it brilliant and more realistic. The title is simple but effective it attracted me because i have an older sister, making me want to read it more. The ending was fitting...it went well with the rest of it and wasn't too much, but at the sime time makes you feel all nice inside. Also at first I thought victoria was more mature but as it went on my view of Bridget began to change she seemed to understand things about her parents more and stuff. Overall i thought it was an enjoyable read and the relationship between the sisters was true to real life.
4/26/2009 c1 
16RuathaWehrling
Wow! Okay, so apparently FP has stopped sending me emails when someone reviews my work. I'm so sorry I never got back to you after all your AWESOME reviews! I just happened to poke online to FP today and note that you'd even written them. Anyhow, I'll collect them all together and respond directly about them in a minute, but for now, let me at least review SOMETHING of yours in return! I'll comment as I read.
1.) "“Well for one thing,” Victoria began, refusing to be intimidated. “You’re the one who wanted to go to freakin' South Beach!" - See how the spoken parts are really one sentence? That means they should be written as one as well. If you're not sure how to deal with is, here's the rule: make the period after "intimidated" a comma and make the following "you're" lowercase. Then you're good to go!
2.) "“Gramps would go out of his way to make us comfortable,” she murmured." - It's hard to imagine Victoria "murmuring" anything now. She sounds too upset not to "snap" or "yell" or something. Know what I mean?
3.) "They took us away from them!" - A bit unclear. Who took who away from who? Now, mind you, this is precisely what someone would actually say, in real life. But in a short story where the reader doesn't know the background, it's good to be more specific.
4.) "Not even, Bridget was ready to think that this too was a lie." - No comma after "even". It's a bit confusing and not grammatically correct anyhow.
Alrighty. First off, this was a nice short scene. Well done! I really got a feel for the two sisters. I think my only major problem was that it doesn't feel complete, you know? Can you figure out a better ending? Either a snappy last line (while still leaving everything else conclusive) or else a resolution. Perhaps they could call Grampa, or else the cops could come in and say something conclusive-sounding, or something else creative that you can come up with. Right now, it just feels like I'm left hanging. It's great up til there, though!
Thanks for the tale! Nice work!
- Ruatha
16RuathaWehrlingWow! Okay, so apparently FP has stopped sending me emails when someone reviews my work. I'm so sorry I never got back to you after all your AWESOME reviews! I just happened to poke online to FP today and note that you'd even written them. Anyhow, I'll collect them all together and respond directly about them in a minute, but for now, let me at least review SOMETHING of yours in return! I'll comment as I read.
1.) "“Well for one thing,” Victoria began, refusing to be intimidated. “You’re the one who wanted to go to freakin' South Beach!" - See how the spoken parts are really one sentence? That means they should be written as one as well. If you're not sure how to deal with is, here's the rule: make the period after "intimidated" a comma and make the following "you're" lowercase. Then you're good to go!
2.) "“Gramps would go out of his way to make us comfortable,” she murmured." - It's hard to imagine Victoria "murmuring" anything now. She sounds too upset not to "snap" or "yell" or something. Know what I mean?
3.) "They took us away from them!" - A bit unclear. Who took who away from who? Now, mind you, this is precisely what someone would actually say, in real life. But in a short story where the reader doesn't know the background, it's good to be more specific.
4.) "Not even, Bridget was ready to think that this too was a lie." - No comma after "even". It's a bit confusing and not grammatically correct anyhow.
Alrighty. First off, this was a nice short scene. Well done! I really got a feel for the two sisters. I think my only major problem was that it doesn't feel complete, you know? Can you figure out a better ending? Either a snappy last line (while still leaving everything else conclusive) or else a resolution. Perhaps they could call Grampa, or else the cops could come in and say something conclusive-sounding, or something else creative that you can come up with. Right now, it just feels like I'm left hanging. It's great up til there, though!
Thanks for the tale! Nice work!
- Ruatha
2/15/2009 c1 Chasing Skylines
[he just remained an immovable hulk behind the desk.]
Immovable would work, but I think 'immobile' is what you intended?
Immediate positive: Your dialogue is good; it provides characterization and an insight to their past.
Wow, the ending was sudden. It was supposed to wrap and connect back to the beginning, I suppose? How the relationship between the sisters will stay the same? It's a realistic approach.
Good job nonetheless, I enjoyed the characterization, relationship between the sisters, and dialogue.
[he just remained an immovable hulk behind the desk.]
Immovable would work, but I think 'immobile' is what you intended?
Immediate positive: Your dialogue is good; it provides characterization and an insight to their past.
Wow, the ending was sudden. It was supposed to wrap and connect back to the beginning, I suppose? How the relationship between the sisters will stay the same? It's a realistic approach.
Good job nonetheless, I enjoyed the characterization, relationship between the sisters, and dialogue.
1/28/2009 c1 95Christy Leigh Stewart
You did a great job on this. It was emotional but you used a fun style to display it.
95Christy Leigh StewartYou did a great job on this. It was emotional but you used a fun style to display it.
1/27/2009 c1 172DefineBeauty
i really like the way this story was headed. it has alot of potential to be made into something alot bigger.
it cut off a little abruptly though. it leaves you with questions and makes you wonder what will happen now? it's too much of a cliffhanger i think and in my opinion it could be ended alot better.
172DefineBeautyi really like the way this story was headed. it has alot of potential to be made into something alot bigger.
it cut off a little abruptly though. it leaves you with questions and makes you wonder what will happen now? it's too much of a cliffhanger i think and in my opinion it could be ended alot better.
1/8/2009 c1 Fractured Illusion
Aww, this was a nice piece :) I liked the way you had the twins interact, it felt very real. Wiee for family fics :D The girls were awesome. I think I liked Vick more, she was more vulnerable. But I liked Bridget's line at the end, about who she wanted to call: very sweet!
It's a pity they keep arguing in circles, as shown in the end. That was the unsatisfactory part for me; it gave me the sitcom feeling: emotional breakthrough aand then we're back to basics again.
That's not to say it was out of character or anything. It fits their characters. I just didn't care for it much (maybe I'm too sappy)
Good luck in the contest!
Frac
Aww, this was a nice piece :) I liked the way you had the twins interact, it felt very real. Wiee for family fics :D The girls were awesome. I think I liked Vick more, she was more vulnerable. But I liked Bridget's line at the end, about who she wanted to call: very sweet!
It's a pity they keep arguing in circles, as shown in the end. That was the unsatisfactory part for me; it gave me the sitcom feeling: emotional breakthrough aand then we're back to basics again.
That's not to say it was out of character or anything. It fits their characters. I just didn't care for it much (maybe I'm too sappy)
Good luck in the contest!
Frac