for Flatline1/17/2009 c1 
3Mira Tsukiyoen
Review Game
Very nice and touching. I can see how real the situation itself looks like, and it looks very real and fleshed out, as well.
There were a few grammatical mistakes, as well as some missed punctuation. The only mistakes that I can point out right now are..
"The machined", not sure about this one, but isn't it supposed to be 'machine'?
“You’re hands aren’t quite as warm anymore," Shouldn't it be 'Your hands'?
“I know but still…,” No need for the comma at the end.
"starling me." Startling?
That's all I can see so far, but I'm pretty sure there's more out there. Anyway, very extraordinary work of yours. I liked it, from the beginning to the end.
-Mira Tsukiyoen
3Mira TsukiyoenReview Game
Very nice and touching. I can see how real the situation itself looks like, and it looks very real and fleshed out, as well.
There were a few grammatical mistakes, as well as some missed punctuation. The only mistakes that I can point out right now are..
"The machined", not sure about this one, but isn't it supposed to be 'machine'?
“You’re hands aren’t quite as warm anymore," Shouldn't it be 'Your hands'?
“I know but still…,” No need for the comma at the end.
"starling me." Startling?
That's all I can see so far, but I'm pretty sure there's more out there. Anyway, very extraordinary work of yours. I liked it, from the beginning to the end.
-Mira Tsukiyoen
1/17/2009 c1 28mikey magee
Opening: The opening seemed to drag on a bit for me. You used "The women" alot and it sounded repetitive and the way you switched from third person to first was a bit of a shock. I think you should change the opening paragraph to first person.
Descriptions: The descriptions were great. Especaily the one about her mother and how she looked. I could really see her in her sick state, and it tugged at my heart.
Character: You did a nice job conveying her emotions for her mother. This was a very true to life story. Her confessions, her anger, her palate of emotions came across wonderfully.
Grammar/spelling: "starling me" change to "startling"
"the burdens mny family carried" change to "my"
Enjoyment: The plot was very cliche. But your excellent writing and wonderful characters made it work brilliantly. I loved how you described and provided a back story. But I would recommend you change the italicized part from third person to first person. I think it compliments the flow a little better.
28mikey mageeOpening: The opening seemed to drag on a bit for me. You used "The women" alot and it sounded repetitive and the way you switched from third person to first was a bit of a shock. I think you should change the opening paragraph to first person.
Descriptions: The descriptions were great. Especaily the one about her mother and how she looked. I could really see her in her sick state, and it tugged at my heart.
Character: You did a nice job conveying her emotions for her mother. This was a very true to life story. Her confessions, her anger, her palate of emotions came across wonderfully.
Grammar/spelling: "starling me" change to "startling"
"the burdens mny family carried" change to "my"
Enjoyment: The plot was very cliche. But your excellent writing and wonderful characters made it work brilliantly. I loved how you described and provided a back story. But I would recommend you change the italicized part from third person to first person. I think it compliments the flow a little better.
1/14/2009 c1 Left FP
Believe me...I have tears in my eyes now...it was very touching and heart-warming tale.
Well, you tend to miss out on words and sometimes the grammar doesn't make sense.
Perhaps you need to concentrate a bit more while typing? As it is, typing on the computer is more difficult than writing in longhand.
I liked the way you linked the flashbacks to the actual scene. And the way you paid attention to every little detail in the mother and daughter's thought processes.
The story, was very original (at least to me) and is on my favorites list.
Any daughter who is close to her mother, and imagines herself in this situation, can connect with the way you have presented the story.
So, overall a really great story with a heart and even though it has a sad ending...there's some amount of painful happiness too.
I hope I helped.
This was for the Review Game.
Believe me...I have tears in my eyes now...it was very touching and heart-warming tale.
Well, you tend to miss out on words and sometimes the grammar doesn't make sense.
Perhaps you need to concentrate a bit more while typing? As it is, typing on the computer is more difficult than writing in longhand.
I liked the way you linked the flashbacks to the actual scene. And the way you paid attention to every little detail in the mother and daughter's thought processes.
The story, was very original (at least to me) and is on my favorites list.
Any daughter who is close to her mother, and imagines herself in this situation, can connect with the way you have presented the story.
So, overall a really great story with a heart and even though it has a sad ending...there's some amount of painful happiness too.
I hope I helped.
This was for the Review Game.
1/12/2009 c1 22RavenclawMoose
So, I have some constructive criticism for you. There were quite a few points in this story where your grammar seemed somewhat forced. It was awkward in places, and occasionally you forgot commas, or forgot to finish a sentence so a subordinate clause was left awkwardly hanging. This brought me out of the story a lot, and made the effect a lot weaker. However, I think you did a very good job with characterization. The characters were believable for the most part, and I liked the part about the mother's hands. It made the relationship feel more real and personal. It jarred me a bit to see the daughter laughing at her mother's anger with the travel agency because in my experience, children are generally embarrassed or annoyed when parents start yelling in public. It is not entirely unrealistic, though.
Most of the grammar problems seemed to come at the beginning of the story. It began to flow more as the story went on, and the end had a lot more flow and thus more emotion and power behind it. I also enjoyed the way you had the beeping interspersed with short, personal but universally meaningful sentences at the end. It wrapped it up nicely, and the smile at the end seemed like a good place to stop.
~RM
22RavenclawMooseSo, I have some constructive criticism for you. There were quite a few points in this story where your grammar seemed somewhat forced. It was awkward in places, and occasionally you forgot commas, or forgot to finish a sentence so a subordinate clause was left awkwardly hanging. This brought me out of the story a lot, and made the effect a lot weaker. However, I think you did a very good job with characterization. The characters were believable for the most part, and I liked the part about the mother's hands. It made the relationship feel more real and personal. It jarred me a bit to see the daughter laughing at her mother's anger with the travel agency because in my experience, children are generally embarrassed or annoyed when parents start yelling in public. It is not entirely unrealistic, though.
Most of the grammar problems seemed to come at the beginning of the story. It began to flow more as the story went on, and the end had a lot more flow and thus more emotion and power behind it. I also enjoyed the way you had the beeping interspersed with short, personal but universally meaningful sentences at the end. It wrapped it up nicely, and the smile at the end seemed like a good place to stop.
~RM