for Time Won't Let Me Go1/21/2009 c2 Chancee
Very intriguing.
I like the darkness of this girl. I figured there had to be some reason she was just out on the street, and well moving around since you're broke works.
Now you do a lot of moving around and the time thing screwed me up a bit, like okay where is she now or what part of her flashback is this, so be careful with that.
All of your descriptions were magnificent and I could feel as if I were on the street with her so BRAVO!
Hope you update and thanks for the information to the military links, I'll have to check it out for research, even though that seems to be too much like school, I'll do it anyway.
Very intriguing.
I like the darkness of this girl. I figured there had to be some reason she was just out on the street, and well moving around since you're broke works.
Now you do a lot of moving around and the time thing screwed me up a bit, like okay where is she now or what part of her flashback is this, so be careful with that.
All of your descriptions were magnificent and I could feel as if I were on the street with her so BRAVO!
Hope you update and thanks for the information to the military links, I'll have to check it out for research, even though that seems to be too much like school, I'll do it anyway.
1/21/2009 c1 Chancee
Hm...The Little Rascals meets the Sopranos...
Catchy beginning. I must go on to see what the little princess will do next. Love strong female characters.
Hm...The Little Rascals meets the Sopranos...
Catchy beginning. I must go on to see what the little princess will do next. Love strong female characters.
1/20/2009 c2 criti-sized
This chapter was good as well, I liked the interaction between everybody that played a part in it. The only thing was the constant moving back and forth bewtween the flashback was bit too much.
Otherwise, it was good.
C.S.
This chapter was good as well, I liked the interaction between everybody that played a part in it. The only thing was the constant moving back and forth bewtween the flashback was bit too much.
Otherwise, it was good.
C.S.
1/20/2009 c1 criti-sized
The re-edited version is nice. I don't see much of a change in it, but it's stil as good as the last one. The exchange between the two gangs, or more likely the girl and teh two gangs has me laughing still and the sore loser in the the end spitting was a good note to end it on.
C.S.
The re-edited version is nice. I don't see much of a change in it, but it's stil as good as the last one. The exchange between the two gangs, or more likely the girl and teh two gangs has me laughing still and the sore loser in the the end spitting was a good note to end it on.
C.S.
1/18/2009 c2 
11Fights-With-Words
[and spoke the final word.
“Fuck you.”]
Word-s?
That's so nitpicky I feel bad. But I couldn't find anything else...
You're just that good. ^_^
-Stio
11Fights-With-Words[and spoke the final word.
“Fuck you.”]
Word-s?
That's so nitpicky I feel bad. But I couldn't find anything else...
You're just that good. ^_^
-Stio
1/18/2009 c1 Fights-With-Words
[The smaller one lagged behind, turning around occasionally to give them the finger.]
This is awesome, Gobbsy.
Much like the original was awesome, and you made it better.
I didn't see any glaring errors... and you did a lovely job with the descriptions and the fight scenes.
And the insults at the beginning. Again, digging the bilinguality. Is that a word...?
Anyway, good shiet,
-Stio
[The smaller one lagged behind, turning around occasionally to give them the finger.]
This is awesome, Gobbsy.
Much like the original was awesome, and you made it better.
I didn't see any glaring errors... and you did a lovely job with the descriptions and the fight scenes.
And the insults at the beginning. Again, digging the bilinguality. Is that a word...?
Anyway, good shiet,
-Stio
1/17/2009 c2 1Jessie My Love
This was a good chapter :]
I don't think you should have as many flashbacks yet. Perhaps later on in the story once the reader knows the characters better. There were was just far too many of them so early.
Also, I didn't think the ellipsis before mother was necessary; kind of made it less serious in my opinion.
Anyways, great chapter. You have great description that allows the reader know what's going on. Overall, this is a good story.
-Jessie my l o v e
p.s. pay it forward
r o a d h o u s e
1Jessie My LoveThis was a good chapter :]
I don't think you should have as many flashbacks yet. Perhaps later on in the story once the reader knows the characters better. There were was just far too many of them so early.
Also, I didn't think the ellipsis before mother was necessary; kind of made it less serious in my opinion.
Anyways, great chapter. You have great description that allows the reader know what's going on. Overall, this is a good story.
-Jessie my l o v e
p.s. pay it forward
r o a d h o u s e
1/17/2009 c1 Jessie My Love
I really liked this. It was far too short, but it definitely grabbed my attention.
I didn't find the underlining of 'said' necessary though, and I really do hate when people use CAPS LOCK, but it was still very good.
Onto the next chapter~
-Jessie my l o v e
p.s. pay it forward
r o a d h o u s e
I really liked this. It was far too short, but it definitely grabbed my attention.
I didn't find the underlining of 'said' necessary though, and I really do hate when people use CAPS LOCK, but it was still very good.
Onto the next chapter~
-Jessie my l o v e
p.s. pay it forward
r o a d h o u s e
1/13/2009 c2 murazrai
Your description are quite complete and your italicization lets me know what does that mean. I like the storyline. But I still don't get the plot. Perhaps things will be revealed when the new chapters are up.
Your description are quite complete and your italicization lets me know what does that mean. I like the storyline. But I still don't get the plot. Perhaps things will be revealed when the new chapters are up.
1/13/2009 c1 4Frayling0
Will read next chapter when I have time. Looks great so far, sounds like its going to be interesting.
4Frayling0Will read next chapter when I have time. Looks great so far, sounds like its going to be interesting.
1/12/2009 c2 15heart shaped box x3
I'm not too great at reviewing stories, but I'll try my hardest. I hope you don't mind that I'm listing things as I see them.
In the sentence
"She then nodded to Rodriguez, who reached into his jean pocket, the same time as Rey shifted to reach for his money."
Should Rey be Reg, or is Rey another character? You seem to have a penchant for run-on sentences. Some are okay, but you may want to reduce them a bit.
'She turned towards her… mother, and spoke the final word.
“Fuck you.”'
You may want to change that to final words, but that is just me.
I find this story addicting, write more! It puts a new twist on things, though I find how she cut herself a bit too cliche`. Though like I said, amazing story. I'm hooked. Can't wait to read the rest.
15heart shaped box x3I'm not too great at reviewing stories, but I'll try my hardest. I hope you don't mind that I'm listing things as I see them.
In the sentence
"She then nodded to Rodriguez, who reached into his jean pocket, the same time as Rey shifted to reach for his money."
Should Rey be Reg, or is Rey another character? You seem to have a penchant for run-on sentences. Some are okay, but you may want to reduce them a bit.
'She turned towards her… mother, and spoke the final word.
“Fuck you.”'
You may want to change that to final words, but that is just me.
I find this story addicting, write more! It puts a new twist on things, though I find how she cut herself a bit too cliche`. Though like I said, amazing story. I'm hooked. Can't wait to read the rest.
1/12/2009 c1 heart shaped box x3
This prolouge was great! It got me hooked from the very first word. I do have one critique though; it's a bit hard to follow so maybe you could fix that? Otherwise, I loved the dialouge. Your sentence structure was good and varied. As well as your vocabulary.
Great work!
-Drea
This prolouge was great! It got me hooked from the very first word. I do have one critique though; it's a bit hard to follow so maybe you could fix that? Otherwise, I loved the dialouge. Your sentence structure was good and varied. As well as your vocabulary.
Great work!
-Drea
1/10/2009 c2 22Mi.Ishi
Hey hunny!
Okay, I have to pick this apart a bit.
Again, describing the scenes would have SUCH a big impact on the reader, if only you would describe it better. If you'd like, I can lend some of my editing services for you if you'd like.
I really liked the last flashback. Had really good intensity. But formatting wise, I think the entire chapter could have done with some work.
Those flashbacks would probably have a better impact as the prologue, in my opinion. Especially about her mum and stuff. It just really chopped up the chapter a lot, and since it's not that long, it really took away from the flow of your writing. Like, it didn't give the reader a good opportunity to really get into the nitty-gritty of things.
But I'm looking forward to the next chapter regardless!
-Shay
22Mi.IshiHey hunny!
Okay, I have to pick this apart a bit.
Again, describing the scenes would have SUCH a big impact on the reader, if only you would describe it better. If you'd like, I can lend some of my editing services for you if you'd like.
I really liked the last flashback. Had really good intensity. But formatting wise, I think the entire chapter could have done with some work.
Those flashbacks would probably have a better impact as the prologue, in my opinion. Especially about her mum and stuff. It just really chopped up the chapter a lot, and since it's not that long, it really took away from the flow of your writing. Like, it didn't give the reader a good opportunity to really get into the nitty-gritty of things.
But I'm looking forward to the next chapter regardless!
-Shay
1/10/2009 c1 Mi.Ishi
The action and situation was skillfully done. I don't know how successful for me it was as an intro/prologue, but it definitely piqued my interest.
I know that this is a revamping, so probably won't be worked on for a while, but I think that the actual scene that it's taking place in could be worked on, cause all the reader knows is it's an alley, and it's dark out. Not enough to really put it into our heads and draw us into the situation.
Onwards to chapter 1!
Loves,
-Mi.Ishi (SHAY!)
The action and situation was skillfully done. I don't know how successful for me it was as an intro/prologue, but it definitely piqued my interest.
I know that this is a revamping, so probably won't be worked on for a while, but I think that the actual scene that it's taking place in could be worked on, cause all the reader knows is it's an alley, and it's dark out. Not enough to really put it into our heads and draw us into the situation.
Onwards to chapter 1!
Loves,
-Mi.Ishi (SHAY!)