for The Valley of Shadows3/8/2010 c1 nitya
love it! its great u have a few spelling and grammer errors. and when a new person takes u hve to make a new paragraph, ohter then that it was great
love it! its great u have a few spelling and grammer errors. and when a new person takes u hve to make a new paragraph, ohter then that it was great
3/8/2010 c2 Angela
o my bad, i just read one part..now im reading the rest of it..(: haha
o my bad, i just read one part..now im reading the rest of it..(: haha
3/8/2010 c1 Angela
love it(: its amazing..i would like to read the rest of it!
love it(: its amazing..i would like to read the rest of it!
11/19/2009 c4 
15tiger002
wow, great imagry there. It looks like the city is on fire, and you do a good job of telling the story from his eyes. I hope you continue to update this.
15tiger002wow, great imagry there. It looks like the city is on fire, and you do a good job of telling the story from his eyes. I hope you continue to update this.
9/9/2009 c1 tyler
what a good chapter
what a good chapter
8/26/2009 c3 tiger002
There is a mix of good and bad things about the story. You really showed Tara's death and the impact it had on him and Sarah, and the hopelessness they feel. It could have used more description though. The author note at the begining doesn't make much sense, unless you meant for that to just be a reminder for yourself.
There is a mix of good and bad things about the story. You really showed Tara's death and the impact it had on him and Sarah, and the hopelessness they feel. It could have used more description though. The author note at the begining doesn't make much sense, unless you meant for that to just be a reminder for yourself.
8/6/2009 c2 tiger002
Wow, that ending was really good. The other parts need work though.
The first chapter was a nice introduction, but there were a number of grammatical errors. When you use dialogue and identify a speaker you end the dialogue with a comma, then don't capitalize the next word unless it's a name. "This is how you do it," he said.
In the second chapter you have the same set of paragraphs written twice. You also have a number of grammar errors too, like missing commas and a few other things.
The plot seems unlikely to me. I find it hard to believe that America would declare religions illegal, then proceed to torture and kill those who follow them. The constitution protects us from government controlling religion. I highly doubt that enough people would get into power that hate Christianity enough to start killing them. Even if a president like that was elected, congress and the Supreme court would stop him. Maybe some things happened that would make these events possible, but it doesn't seem likely.
Your story wasn't all bad though. The scene at the end with Brian was the best in the story. You showed the fear and actions well in that part. Writing a story from a first person present tense is the best way to capture emotions, but also the hardest to pull off. For the most part, you do it well.
Sorry if this review came off as overly harsh, but there are a number of problems that need addressed, but if you fix those, you could have a great story.
Wow, that ending was really good. The other parts need work though.
The first chapter was a nice introduction, but there were a number of grammatical errors. When you use dialogue and identify a speaker you end the dialogue with a comma, then don't capitalize the next word unless it's a name. "This is how you do it," he said.
In the second chapter you have the same set of paragraphs written twice. You also have a number of grammar errors too, like missing commas and a few other things.
The plot seems unlikely to me. I find it hard to believe that America would declare religions illegal, then proceed to torture and kill those who follow them. The constitution protects us from government controlling religion. I highly doubt that enough people would get into power that hate Christianity enough to start killing them. Even if a president like that was elected, congress and the Supreme court would stop him. Maybe some things happened that would make these events possible, but it doesn't seem likely.
Your story wasn't all bad though. The scene at the end with Brian was the best in the story. You showed the fear and actions well in that part. Writing a story from a first person present tense is the best way to capture emotions, but also the hardest to pull off. For the most part, you do it well.
Sorry if this review came off as overly harsh, but there are a number of problems that need addressed, but if you fix those, you could have a great story.
8/5/2009 c2 41BlackRosesFreedom
Ok. Um... Again, you really should look over your grammer and punctuation or have a Beta-reader do it. There are a lot of mistakes that should be fixed. Also, there is a repeated section in the middle. I really am only trying to help you and Im not saying that this is a bad story. In truth, its a great idea but you need to fix all your errors. I hope you take my advice and fix this story and I hope to continue reading.
~RosePetal~
41BlackRosesFreedomOk. Um... Again, you really should look over your grammer and punctuation or have a Beta-reader do it. There are a lot of mistakes that should be fixed. Also, there is a repeated section in the middle. I really am only trying to help you and Im not saying that this is a bad story. In truth, its a great idea but you need to fix all your errors. I hope you take my advice and fix this story and I hope to continue reading.
~RosePetal~
8/5/2009 c1 BlackRosesFreedom
I like it so far, but I did notice that you have a lot of grammer and punctuation problems already. Quotations and Periods are missing, paragraphes where they should be divided, and some upper and lowercase mixups. I would suggest looking over this chapter. It will make it easier and more enjoyable for people to read! Just my thought,
~RosePetal~
I like it so far, but I did notice that you have a lot of grammer and punctuation problems already. Quotations and Periods are missing, paragraphes where they should be divided, and some upper and lowercase mixups. I would suggest looking over this chapter. It will make it easier and more enjoyable for people to read! Just my thought,
~RosePetal~
6/24/2009 c7 Sara
damnn, this is really good.
I didn't know you had such good writing skills(:
its great. keep writing BUDDYY!
♥Sara
damnn, this is really good.
I didn't know you had such good writing skills(:
its great. keep writing BUDDYY!
♥Sara
1/13/2009 c1 10TheThoughtsInMyHead
you swichted names at the begining and there are a couple gramar mistakes but good so far
10TheThoughtsInMyHeadyou swichted names at the begining and there are a couple gramar mistakes but good so far