for Touched8/13/2013 c1 Ava Chanel
Hey! I figured I'd give you some feedback, since you've left some for me. I think you've written this very well, and that your characters are well done. I like how you've incorporated Firefly in this (although I don't condone the dislike of my second favorite character in the series :P), and your style is simplistic, to the point, and yet meshes very well with what you've got here. You write touched characters exceptionally well, so definitely take some pride in that because I certainly can't do it.
However, River tends to be my least favorite in the series, so I rarely, if ever, read anything with her as a focus. Caring for someone with a mental disturbance is something that hits pretty close to home for me, so I'm usually uncomfortable reading stuff with that (don't take it personally, it's just a very touchy subject for me). That being said, I'll do my best to give the others a read and review. :)
Hey! I figured I'd give you some feedback, since you've left some for me. I think you've written this very well, and that your characters are well done. I like how you've incorporated Firefly in this (although I don't condone the dislike of my second favorite character in the series :P), and your style is simplistic, to the point, and yet meshes very well with what you've got here. You write touched characters exceptionally well, so definitely take some pride in that because I certainly can't do it.
However, River tends to be my least favorite in the series, so I rarely, if ever, read anything with her as a focus. Caring for someone with a mental disturbance is something that hits pretty close to home for me, so I'm usually uncomfortable reading stuff with that (don't take it personally, it's just a very touchy subject for me). That being said, I'll do my best to give the others a read and review. :)
5/9/2013 c1 schur655
I find this wonderful and innocent. I do not know anyone like Tee, I find I wish I did. If nothing else to refresh my normally cynical perspective about people. I have never seen anyone described as touched like this, but the way you write it seems obviously correct.
You know I like the Firefly references, though now I think I have to remove a Mal looking at Hot Chocolate on River's lip thing, in a story I am working on now.
Ok and as far as being uglier than my Boston Terriers, that is disheartening though correct.
I find this wonderful and innocent. I do not know anyone like Tee, I find I wish I did. If nothing else to refresh my normally cynical perspective about people. I have never seen anyone described as touched like this, but the way you write it seems obviously correct.
You know I like the Firefly references, though now I think I have to remove a Mal looking at Hot Chocolate on River's lip thing, in a story I am working on now.
Ok and as far as being uglier than my Boston Terriers, that is disheartening though correct.
4/27/2013 c1 TheOneAndOnlyBangBang
Well, although this first story was kind of interesting and quite sweet I'm not sure I'll read the next ones. To me personally, I find this kind of story a little disinteresting but you are certainly a talented writer. I'm wondering if you have any actual experience with this sort of thing as you seem to know a lot about whatever condition Tayona has. Either that or someone's been devouring way too much Firefly. Not that there is such thing as too much Firefly, its just an expression! Anyway, I'll try and get round to reading the others but I'm not too sure it'll happen. Good read though, nice job!
Well, although this first story was kind of interesting and quite sweet I'm not sure I'll read the next ones. To me personally, I find this kind of story a little disinteresting but you are certainly a talented writer. I'm wondering if you have any actual experience with this sort of thing as you seem to know a lot about whatever condition Tayona has. Either that or someone's been devouring way too much Firefly. Not that there is such thing as too much Firefly, its just an expression! Anyway, I'll try and get round to reading the others but I'm not too sure it'll happen. Good read though, nice job!
8/25/2012 c1 Guest
Love your ability to craft an environment. Was easy to feel like one was in the park or the restaurant with Tay and Sandee.
Tay is a very special character and I love her interactions with Rachel and Sandee. I can see the connection with River Tam and love the innocence you write into her.
Love your ability to craft an environment. Was easy to feel like one was in the park or the restaurant with Tay and Sandee.
Tay is a very special character and I love her interactions with Rachel and Sandee. I can see the connection with River Tam and love the innocence you write into her.
8/22/2012 c1 Mary
This is so cute Riona! I think it's amazing how well you depicted how her moods change and how much her friends and family love her and care for her. I also like the part with the line 'I can kill you with my brain! :-)
This is so cute Riona! I think it's amazing how well you depicted how her moods change and how much her friends and family love her and care for her. I also like the part with the line 'I can kill you with my brain! :-)
6/4/2012 c1 Anti-Kryptonite
Very nice. It's great that Firefly could bring two friends together. But as Simon is my favorite character in Firefly, I hope to see more of Eric. :)
I like Tayona's calm approach to most things and the matter-of-fact way they all accept who she is.
Very nice. It's great that Firefly could bring two friends together. But as Simon is my favorite character in Firefly, I hope to see more of Eric. :)
I like Tayona's calm approach to most things and the matter-of-fact way they all accept who she is.
3/28/2012 c1 Sahlinrob
Hi, Sorry it took so long to get around to this but...time.. I’m sure you know. I decided that instead of reading your latest story, that it be that best to start with the earliest one first, as they’re all about the same characters (Tayona, Eric and Sandi, I believe it is?).
Anyway, right off the bat, I liked the ... “mulling over the age-old question of why dog owners often look like their pooches except uglier”...
I’ve heard that expression all my life but for some reason, in context it struck me as rather funny. Also the part about “Fairies apparently getting what they want.”
The way the latter was said and their conversations about “Rachel” gives me the idea that Tayona’s friend, while not encouraging interaction with hallucinations, is willing to talk with her about them, but in a non-humoring way. Also, it’s not about her being there because she feels sorry for her and wants to try to help. It’s also because she just enjoys her company.
The parallel between Tayona and River is striking but at the same time there is a lot of difference between them, in my opinion anyway.
It seems as if Tayona, so far anyway, could not and would not hurt a fly, While River is prone to violent outbursts at times, (not referring to beating people up in the bar etc, that was different) like breaking things and knifing people.
River seems to realize that she is in fact “not right,” while Tayona seems to think that she just sees things that other people can not and can’t be convinced, even in her most lucid state, that her friend “Rachel” is nothing more that a figment of her imagination.
Tayona is most defiantly delusional. River’s problems seem to come from her heightened perception perceiving things that she just can’t deal with. Most of her supposed delusions are probably actually real. The thoughts of others, while they are not actually tangible solid substance, are in fact real, as one example.
The only problem I can see, is that you seem to be lacking in physical description of your characters. Many professional authors take this approach, as it lets the reader’s mind free to perceive them as they wish, within a set of basic guidelines, so perhaps that’s what you’re doing. However just a brief mention of hair and eye color would be nice, as an example.
Anyway it was a lovely story, easy to read with a good flow. and I plan to read all the rest as well, when I get the time.
Hi, Sorry it took so long to get around to this but...time.. I’m sure you know. I decided that instead of reading your latest story, that it be that best to start with the earliest one first, as they’re all about the same characters (Tayona, Eric and Sandi, I believe it is?).
Anyway, right off the bat, I liked the ... “mulling over the age-old question of why dog owners often look like their pooches except uglier”...
I’ve heard that expression all my life but for some reason, in context it struck me as rather funny. Also the part about “Fairies apparently getting what they want.”
The way the latter was said and their conversations about “Rachel” gives me the idea that Tayona’s friend, while not encouraging interaction with hallucinations, is willing to talk with her about them, but in a non-humoring way. Also, it’s not about her being there because she feels sorry for her and wants to try to help. It’s also because she just enjoys her company.
The parallel between Tayona and River is striking but at the same time there is a lot of difference between them, in my opinion anyway.
It seems as if Tayona, so far anyway, could not and would not hurt a fly, While River is prone to violent outbursts at times, (not referring to beating people up in the bar etc, that was different) like breaking things and knifing people.
River seems to realize that she is in fact “not right,” while Tayona seems to think that she just sees things that other people can not and can’t be convinced, even in her most lucid state, that her friend “Rachel” is nothing more that a figment of her imagination.
Tayona is most defiantly delusional. River’s problems seem to come from her heightened perception perceiving things that she just can’t deal with. Most of her supposed delusions are probably actually real. The thoughts of others, while they are not actually tangible solid substance, are in fact real, as one example.
The only problem I can see, is that you seem to be lacking in physical description of your characters. Many professional authors take this approach, as it lets the reader’s mind free to perceive them as they wish, within a set of basic guidelines, so perhaps that’s what you’re doing. However just a brief mention of hair and eye color would be nice, as an example.
Anyway it was a lovely story, easy to read with a good flow. and I plan to read all the rest as well, when I get the time.
2/23/2012 c1 ebfiddler
I really enjoyed this story, as the characters are so vividly drawn. The narrator is a very appealing character, especially the way she looks at Tayona as a person, a friend - and so very much not a "case." Especially striking is the paragraph that starts with "Rachel is Tayona's polymodal hallucinated friend from the fey realm" and ends with "Apparently fairies get what they want" - the combination of technical language with the folkloric supernatural was well done and conveys the meaning with effect and a touch of humor. I liked the explanation that "lucid" means able to have meaningful interactions with people "real or imagined" - that detail is telling. Of course I also love all the Firefly references. What comes across here is the individuality of the characters - the narrator with her open-minded but practical view, Eric with his caring, Tayona with her one-of-a-kind vitality - and how no one exactly fits in a mold.
I really enjoyed this story, as the characters are so vividly drawn. The narrator is a very appealing character, especially the way she looks at Tayona as a person, a friend - and so very much not a "case." Especially striking is the paragraph that starts with "Rachel is Tayona's polymodal hallucinated friend from the fey realm" and ends with "Apparently fairies get what they want" - the combination of technical language with the folkloric supernatural was well done and conveys the meaning with effect and a touch of humor. I liked the explanation that "lucid" means able to have meaningful interactions with people "real or imagined" - that detail is telling. Of course I also love all the Firefly references. What comes across here is the individuality of the characters - the narrator with her open-minded but practical view, Eric with his caring, Tayona with her one-of-a-kind vitality - and how no one exactly fits in a mold.
8/18/2011 c1 Niki
RionaEire,
This is a lovely story! Tayona is such a lively and bright spirit. I was very intrigued by her and the interactions.
Miss Sourpus' insights were really thought out and detailed. I liked the explanations that she gave. My favorite part of the story was the way you ended it. It was beautiful. I loved the description of the river and how it connects to life. Here are some little tid-bits that stood out to me and that were fun, especially since I know you:
why dog owners often look like their pooches except uglier - lol (I just liked this line a lot)
lol ;)- discussed how incredibly hot Captain Mal is
Mallon's, an Irish restaurant-lol-subliminal messages? no? :P I want to try some Irish nachos, they sound intriguing to me!
Survivor- :) yey!
Great job, and fun to read!
hugs!
Niki
RionaEire,
This is a lovely story! Tayona is such a lively and bright spirit. I was very intrigued by her and the interactions.
Miss Sourpus' insights were really thought out and detailed. I liked the explanations that she gave. My favorite part of the story was the way you ended it. It was beautiful. I loved the description of the river and how it connects to life. Here are some little tid-bits that stood out to me and that were fun, especially since I know you:
why dog owners often look like their pooches except uglier - lol (I just liked this line a lot)
lol ;)- discussed how incredibly hot Captain Mal is
Mallon's, an Irish restaurant-lol-subliminal messages? no? :P I want to try some Irish nachos, they sound intriguing to me!
Survivor- :) yey!
Great job, and fun to read!
hugs!
Niki
8/13/2011 c1 Browncoat80
A very insightful tale that gives the reader a complex multifaceted view of someone very different from the "average person"; from the view of a said "average person." The narrator journeys with Tayona for a span of time and we learn very interesting things about both, from the experiences that they both share. We see how similar and different they are, through the sensory/tactile experiences that spark and draw out varied and complex reactions from Tayona and the narrator; though Tayona's interior explorations appear the main focus from an external POV. And while plot/character inspiration may have been Firefly-derived, implicitly and explicitly so, the experiences of both the narrator and Tayona are unique as well to the story at hand. The reader draws the impression that the writer knows a good deal about the subject, or has performed lengthy research on the matter. In the end however, through this detailed fictional example, we can infer new insights about real persons like Tayona; that way we do not rush to uninformed judgments about them. Perhaps the writer should try professional writing to explore this subject more, as it does not seem commonplace to the average reader. The writer could also try her hand at Firefly fanfics to continue giving us added hobbyist insights into characters like Tayona, and River. Thanks and regards!
A well written, varied statement that jumped out at me as I read:
"Real life is like a river, usually staying within its clean-cut banks but breaching its boundaries during the winter rains, flowing in unexpected directions and spilling into new places."
A very insightful tale that gives the reader a complex multifaceted view of someone very different from the "average person"; from the view of a said "average person." The narrator journeys with Tayona for a span of time and we learn very interesting things about both, from the experiences that they both share. We see how similar and different they are, through the sensory/tactile experiences that spark and draw out varied and complex reactions from Tayona and the narrator; though Tayona's interior explorations appear the main focus from an external POV. And while plot/character inspiration may have been Firefly-derived, implicitly and explicitly so, the experiences of both the narrator and Tayona are unique as well to the story at hand. The reader draws the impression that the writer knows a good deal about the subject, or has performed lengthy research on the matter. In the end however, through this detailed fictional example, we can infer new insights about real persons like Tayona; that way we do not rush to uninformed judgments about them. Perhaps the writer should try professional writing to explore this subject more, as it does not seem commonplace to the average reader. The writer could also try her hand at Firefly fanfics to continue giving us added hobbyist insights into characters like Tayona, and River. Thanks and regards!
A well written, varied statement that jumped out at me as I read:
"Real life is like a river, usually staying within its clean-cut banks but breaching its boundaries during the winter rains, flowing in unexpected directions and spilling into new places."
1/31/2011 c1 The Wise Duck
I would not call this a story nor would I call it a tale. What I would call it comes from the anime/manga world and is known as 'Slice of Life'. I would venture to say that the mood, pacing and ‘location within a frame of reference’ comes very close to my favorite SoL manga, 'Yokohama Kaidashi Kikou' and I would consider that to be very high praise indeed (in explanation, it’s quite simply ‘a picture of something that happened during the day/evening/etc).
Because while this is an introduction to Tayona and Sandee, it is also a photograph to who and what they are as they live a day. Actions and interactions, cause and effect, decisions and passes (alias for that plate of cookies) are all seen here.
This was both very interesting and extremely satisfying. If I may barrow the term, the lucidity with which things both physical and not are described is (if I may gush) wonderfully put out there to be seen and ‘touched’ by the readers eyes and comprehension. Explanations are complex enough to allow complete understanding without being bogged down in detail (one of my faults). This is why I say picture rather than painting. For everything is there to be seen without the need of personal interpretation. In my experience, this is very rare and it is to be commended.
If I may touch on a point for I am one of those terrible ‘Guardians of the Society’ which is so backwards and I have dealt with many Miss Sourpuss’s and more than a few Tayona’s in my time. Both see things as they are able, the results of whatever happened in their lives, Miss Sourpuss can’t deal with Tayona, Tayona can’t deal with that darn plate of cookies. Both are understandable, neither needs pity, together one has to just deal with them and move on. There is no blame, only a need for education. What is unfortunate is that that need is lost among so many others.
Very Good Work
The Wise Duck
I would not call this a story nor would I call it a tale. What I would call it comes from the anime/manga world and is known as 'Slice of Life'. I would venture to say that the mood, pacing and ‘location within a frame of reference’ comes very close to my favorite SoL manga, 'Yokohama Kaidashi Kikou' and I would consider that to be very high praise indeed (in explanation, it’s quite simply ‘a picture of something that happened during the day/evening/etc).
Because while this is an introduction to Tayona and Sandee, it is also a photograph to who and what they are as they live a day. Actions and interactions, cause and effect, decisions and passes (alias for that plate of cookies) are all seen here.
This was both very interesting and extremely satisfying. If I may barrow the term, the lucidity with which things both physical and not are described is (if I may gush) wonderfully put out there to be seen and ‘touched’ by the readers eyes and comprehension. Explanations are complex enough to allow complete understanding without being bogged down in detail (one of my faults). This is why I say picture rather than painting. For everything is there to be seen without the need of personal interpretation. In my experience, this is very rare and it is to be commended.
If I may touch on a point for I am one of those terrible ‘Guardians of the Society’ which is so backwards and I have dealt with many Miss Sourpuss’s and more than a few Tayona’s in my time. Both see things as they are able, the results of whatever happened in their lives, Miss Sourpuss can’t deal with Tayona, Tayona can’t deal with that darn plate of cookies. Both are understandable, neither needs pity, together one has to just deal with them and move on. There is no blame, only a need for education. What is unfortunate is that that need is lost among so many others.
Very Good Work
The Wise Duck
1/10/2011 c1 analogarhythmagic
This felt like a prelude to something larger, introducing us to Tayona, Sandee, and Eric, and all about who Tayona is through a day-in-the-life snapshot. I'm curious as to how much of this is autobiographical. I know one reviewer said you should show more through action than exposition, but there is not much action in this, and I think exposition is really the point of the story- once again, introducing us to the characters and their lives. I am interested in Tayona's backstory, the accident and her family life and such. Hopefully we'll hear some more about that. The comparisons of her to River are obviously warranted, though I tend to like them better if they were a little more subtle. I think you have developed your own unique style and voice that really comes through in your imagery. Some favorite examples: the phrase "before the night stars appear" to describe a day passing. "Apparently fairies get what they want" is funny and zippy and says that's just how things are without further explanation needed. Labels "fall off like old bandaids," and how the diagnostic boxes don't fit Tayona are both very clever. Those little things stick out give the story a something extra that makes it more enjoyable.
This felt like a prelude to something larger, introducing us to Tayona, Sandee, and Eric, and all about who Tayona is through a day-in-the-life snapshot. I'm curious as to how much of this is autobiographical. I know one reviewer said you should show more through action than exposition, but there is not much action in this, and I think exposition is really the point of the story- once again, introducing us to the characters and their lives. I am interested in Tayona's backstory, the accident and her family life and such. Hopefully we'll hear some more about that. The comparisons of her to River are obviously warranted, though I tend to like them better if they were a little more subtle. I think you have developed your own unique style and voice that really comes through in your imagery. Some favorite examples: the phrase "before the night stars appear" to describe a day passing. "Apparently fairies get what they want" is funny and zippy and says that's just how things are without further explanation needed. Labels "fall off like old bandaids," and how the diagnostic boxes don't fit Tayona are both very clever. Those little things stick out give the story a something extra that makes it more enjoyable.
10/5/2010 c1 Spurlunk
Huh. That was very interesting, certainly unique. I like how Tayona is a little bit off kilter kind of like River is.
Just one bit of advice - I'd try to have less summary and more scene. Try not to explain everything and just let slip details here and there so that the reader can infer things instead of you just telling them, if you know what I mean.
I enjoyed this story!
Huh. That was very interesting, certainly unique. I like how Tayona is a little bit off kilter kind of like River is.
Just one bit of advice - I'd try to have less summary and more scene. Try not to explain everything and just let slip details here and there so that the reader can infer things instead of you just telling them, if you know what I mean.
I enjoyed this story!
6/22/2010 c1 Ella Greggs
I loved the penultimate paragraph of this story in particular. To me, that was the heart of the story - an eloquent plea for tolerance and understanding, and the wisdom to forego neat little categories when those categories don't serve any useful purpose. And a reminder of what's really important in this world - giving and receiving love and friendship. You did a wonderful job of capturing the friendship between Tee and Sandee, how Sandee accepts her friend, and how Sandee uses the gentle concept of being 'touched' as a way to role with whatever reality Tee might be in at a given moment. The sense of the deep friendship between these two people, and between Eric and Sandee, really comes through.
You had some really interesting little details in the story, too. I was particularly struck by the tuxedo-clad man who boarded the bus ahead of the women. Kind of an off-kilter thing to see - maybe Tayona isn't the only one out there who's 'touched'? And Sandee's little reverie about the new bicycle. Favorite lines were: "Apparently fairies get what they want" (loved this line!) and "None of the proverbial diagnostic boxes are the right size for Tayona, proving to be too big or the wrong length or made out of flimsy cardboard that she breaks through." The fact that her doctors don't really know why she is this way, that her condition is not easily catagorizable, puts her in line with the rest of humanity. None of us fit neatly into boxes, not really.
I loved the penultimate paragraph of this story in particular. To me, that was the heart of the story - an eloquent plea for tolerance and understanding, and the wisdom to forego neat little categories when those categories don't serve any useful purpose. And a reminder of what's really important in this world - giving and receiving love and friendship. You did a wonderful job of capturing the friendship between Tee and Sandee, how Sandee accepts her friend, and how Sandee uses the gentle concept of being 'touched' as a way to role with whatever reality Tee might be in at a given moment. The sense of the deep friendship between these two people, and between Eric and Sandee, really comes through.
You had some really interesting little details in the story, too. I was particularly struck by the tuxedo-clad man who boarded the bus ahead of the women. Kind of an off-kilter thing to see - maybe Tayona isn't the only one out there who's 'touched'? And Sandee's little reverie about the new bicycle. Favorite lines were: "Apparently fairies get what they want" (loved this line!) and "None of the proverbial diagnostic boxes are the right size for Tayona, proving to be too big or the wrong length or made out of flimsy cardboard that she breaks through." The fact that her doctors don't really know why she is this way, that her condition is not easily catagorizable, puts her in line with the rest of humanity. None of us fit neatly into boxes, not really.
5/27/2010 c1 
8mindless-junk-247
I love the description used here and the way that even thought Sandee is thinking a lot, drifting off topic almost, that the story comes back to make sense.
Having Tayona's brother Eric look after her? That's a story of care and devotion and just makes you feel more for the family as you read on. Well done.
Wonderfully written work Riona it's amazing. Keep it the brilliant wor.
8mindless-junk-247I love the description used here and the way that even thought Sandee is thinking a lot, drifting off topic almost, that the story comes back to make sense.
Having Tayona's brother Eric look after her? That's a story of care and devotion and just makes you feel more for the family as you read on. Well done.
Wonderfully written work Riona it's amazing. Keep it the brilliant wor.