for Religious Conquest1/21/2009 c3 
9TuneOut
I like how you set up the mysterious place. It seems the opposite of what a utopia would be.
I have a quick question. Is this supposed to appeal to a secular audience also? I have no problems with religion but I'm finding this story to have a very heavy religious and Christian theme. If it was only supposed to appeal to Christians, that's fine but if it's not, then I'd be a little less heavy handed regarding the religious aspect especially since you meantion his Christianity VERY often and was the only religion mentioned that was banned despite you saying that the town promoted religious execution.
9TuneOutI like how you set up the mysterious place. It seems the opposite of what a utopia would be.
I have a quick question. Is this supposed to appeal to a secular audience also? I have no problems with religion but I'm finding this story to have a very heavy religious and Christian theme. If it was only supposed to appeal to Christians, that's fine but if it's not, then I'd be a little less heavy handed regarding the religious aspect especially since you meantion his Christianity VERY often and was the only religion mentioned that was banned despite you saying that the town promoted religious execution.
1/21/2009 c2 TuneOut
The mystery deepens. I like that and it seems like the plot is progressing logically.
Again, you could describe things more. I think the thing is this: you use adjectives to describe things and you leave it at that. You don't take time to elaborate. There's a difference between detail and elaboration. Like you wrote, "And what seemed like miles of dirt was transforming into something resembling a community." I know what a community is but how did it resemble a community? How were the houses spread out? Were there a lot of people? You mention houses and stuff elsewhere but I still do not get the general sense of how things are set up.
The mystery deepens. I like that and it seems like the plot is progressing logically.
Again, you could describe things more. I think the thing is this: you use adjectives to describe things and you leave it at that. You don't take time to elaborate. There's a difference between detail and elaboration. Like you wrote, "And what seemed like miles of dirt was transforming into something resembling a community." I know what a community is but how did it resemble a community? How were the houses spread out? Were there a lot of people? You mention houses and stuff elsewhere but I still do not get the general sense of how things are set up.
1/21/2009 c1 TuneOut
It seems interesting so far. I'm interested to see what Oshawitz holds in store.
I think you could definitely flesh out the story more though. You don't describe things enough. Like the conversation with the clerk could have much more suspenseful and ominous than it ended up being. It was too brief to have that kind of impact.
Also, your description of the setting could use some work. "The roads were subtle that morning, as Christian drove through the towns of Judaia." I have no idea what you mean by the roads were subtle.
It seems interesting so far. I'm interested to see what Oshawitz holds in store.
I think you could definitely flesh out the story more though. You don't describe things enough. Like the conversation with the clerk could have much more suspenseful and ominous than it ended up being. It was too brief to have that kind of impact.
Also, your description of the setting could use some work. "The roads were subtle that morning, as Christian drove through the towns of Judaia." I have no idea what you mean by the roads were subtle.
1/20/2009 c2 fictionalxbliss
Wow. It's getting even better. I'm interested. You've got me hooked. Definately keep writing. I can't wait for an update.
Wow. It's getting even better. I'm interested. You've got me hooked. Definately keep writing. I can't wait for an update.
1/20/2009 c1 fictionalxbliss
Oh my god. Okay, that was a concentration camp in WWII
I have an odd feeling in the pit of my stomach. I like it. Honesty: good, but not great (Pft, I'm not great either). I want more detail on his background. I want to get to know this Christian guy, so that if he gets killed/tortured it will go to the heart. I like stories like that. But I'm starting to wonder: is this a modern day concentration camp?
I guess I shall find out soon. :)
Oh my god. Okay, that was a concentration camp in WWII
I have an odd feeling in the pit of my stomach. I like it. Honesty: good, but not great (Pft, I'm not great either). I want more detail on his background. I want to get to know this Christian guy, so that if he gets killed/tortured it will go to the heart. I like stories like that. But I'm starting to wonder: is this a modern day concentration camp?
I guess I shall find out soon. :)
1/20/2009 c1 2cookiemonster09
I think you used good descriptions on this story. I like the way you described the first paragraph in his car. I especially liked "...made the trees like a washboard painting." It was a nice simile. Overall, this story was definitely worth my time. Keep writing!:)
2cookiemonster09I think you used good descriptions on this story. I like the way you described the first paragraph in his car. I especially liked "...made the trees like a washboard painting." It was a nice simile. Overall, this story was definitely worth my time. Keep writing!:)