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for Will, I?

9/3/2009 c2 612simpleplan13
Opening: I think the fact that they're older should come first. 'Cause if you were directing a play the characters appearance needs to be known before their actions onstage. Also, I didn't like impatiently as it's own sentence. And I'm confused about if he's sitting how he's shuffling. To me, shuffling is done while standing. It made it hard to picture the beginning.

Ending: Towards the end, I didn't get why you italicized you are. It seemed odd to emphasis both those words. Maybe one, but not both when you read it. I like that they kissed. That was a really sweet ending and definitely something I wanted to happen. The only thing is I didn't like how you used boy and girl since you use their names in all the other stage directions. That seemed odd.

Dialog: I think you did a good job making realistic with the pauses and the beginnings of words that then stop. It's how people really talk. They start a sentence and then change their minds...lol.

Some parts seemed awkward to be though, like when Hope says "ha" in the beginning. Who really says ha? When Will says "And…stuff…"... that seemed awkward too. Lastly, how he asks all of the sudden if she's happy. That just seemed to come out of nowhere.


"HOPE: Yeah…ha. Were you waiting long."... should end with a question.

"Cuz, there is nothing out there worth chasing"...'Cause

"They finally meet those “people”…and. Yeah, it happens all the time."... The and ending the sentences seemed off to me.

"Smug Silence"... why capitalizing the second word? Also, why not in parenthesis like the other stage directions?

I also think you went a bit overboard with the ellipses. Plus the capitalization after the ellipses was inconsistent.

Other stuffles:

I don't like when he says she wouldn't understand. It seems she's been there like he has and apparently also intends to stay, so how come she wouldn't understand. And saying it once ok, but repeating it seemed too much.

I also think you gave us a little more about Will and his personality. I liked the ending about not chasing things, that was a great description. I do wish there was more about Holly and her character though.
8/30/2009 c1 simpleplan13
Opening: I don't lie the part in italics in the beginning. I don't think will should be capitalized. Also, the phrasing seemed a bit odd and the part about changing confused me...

Other (Setting): There isn't one. I think that you should set one up to help with the visualization. Also, I didn't understand the setting of the older boys scene. How did they have access to their pillowcases?

Grammar: In Will's first part you change from first person liking to jump off things to second person.

Also, "rare-r" is not a word.

In things like "No I didn't" or "Yes you did," etc. It'd be "No, I didn't" or "Yes, you did."

"...so…Look," should be ...So...look

Enjoyment: I liked it. I think the way you describe the climbing and falling was really great. I also like how you introduce the orphans in the ending. It really sets up the rest of the piece and explains some things that didn't really make sense in the beginning. I'm interested to see the relationship between Will and Hope also. Nicely done.
2/25/2009 c3 71Subbie
The intro was very well done. I liked how Will was anti-social, and how Hope was very persistent in talking to him. It makes me want to read on.

The scene that stood out to me the most, was the ending scene. I felt pathos for Hope, who only wanted to find a loving family, and Will begrudged her for it. I hope that Will will finally understand one day...

I think I enjoyed myself while reading this, which was great. Your story is quite good, and I liked how you've written it play style, instead of as a regular story. It is a nice change.

The plot was different; original yet can strike a chord in all of us.

One thing I disliked was your summary, which didn't have much in the way of description, but your title made up for it. If you would like more readers I would suggest maybe a better description for your summary.

The pace was nicely done; I like how you skipped time in between chapters to make the story progress quicker, therefore eliminating the boring parts.

I think that this is quite a well-written story, and was very pleasant to read. I liked your characters, above all.

2/21/2009 c1 1BrendanTheTerrible
My first impression of "Will, I" was that Will was kind of a dick. Oddly though, I often find that these types of characters turn out to be the most interesting, as they don't conform to what you'd expect in a main character. Will does depart from most heroes, using profanity carelessly and displaying an apparent hate for everyone, obviously due to his current stats as an unwanted orphan. Although bitter, Will's opening monologue to himself has shown a capability to be deep and emotional. Characters such as Will interest me due to the predicaments they manage to get themselves into, which are inevitable in this story's future. While it is easy to dislike Will after the beginning of the first chapter, it does make one look forward to his future "interactions" and adventures.

Overall I would give this play an 87/100.

The main things going for it were the contrast of Will and Hope, and the realism and the small amount of effort needed to relate to either of them.

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