for Cutting2/3/2009 c1 Carus
"I curl up in the corner knife clutched in my hand,"
I think this would be better with a comma before knife
Also, I'm not sure that capitalising the first letter of each line works in this poem. Try it without and see how it looks.
"My head aches and my fingers close,"
I liked this line, the rhyming felt natural.
"Continuing the pattern 'til there are more than just a few,"
I like the rhythm in this line.
"After all, it's not like I do it everyday, only now and then."
I think that as the last line, this could be more concise so as to stick in the reader's head more...
Overall I like the rhyme scheme in this and I can identify with the content. I think it's an accurate portrayal of someone self-harming and how they feel during that time.
I think it could do with a few more poetic phrases, like "The black cloud inside swells and grows,", as I thought that they died off a bit towards the end.
Also, maybe you could accentuate the rhyming by not putting a comma at the end of every line. You could perhaps have a "." "," format. Or maybe try putting the lines all together as a paragraph, and putting in the natural punctuation at the end of each line. For example, something like:
"I curl up in the corner, knife clutched in my hand;
Can't leave it behind like my footprints in the sand.
The black cloud inside swells and grows,
My head aches and my fingers close."
Obviously, these are all my personal opinion and you may feel differently about it.
Well done though, good poem :)
-Amy
"I curl up in the corner knife clutched in my hand,"
I think this would be better with a comma before knife
Also, I'm not sure that capitalising the first letter of each line works in this poem. Try it without and see how it looks.
"My head aches and my fingers close,"
I liked this line, the rhyming felt natural.
"Continuing the pattern 'til there are more than just a few,"
I like the rhythm in this line.
"After all, it's not like I do it everyday, only now and then."
I think that as the last line, this could be more concise so as to stick in the reader's head more...
Overall I like the rhyme scheme in this and I can identify with the content. I think it's an accurate portrayal of someone self-harming and how they feel during that time.
I think it could do with a few more poetic phrases, like "The black cloud inside swells and grows,", as I thought that they died off a bit towards the end.
Also, maybe you could accentuate the rhyming by not putting a comma at the end of every line. You could perhaps have a "." "," format. Or maybe try putting the lines all together as a paragraph, and putting in the natural punctuation at the end of each line. For example, something like:
"I curl up in the corner, knife clutched in my hand;
Can't leave it behind like my footprints in the sand.
The black cloud inside swells and grows,
My head aches and my fingers close."
Obviously, these are all my personal opinion and you may feel differently about it.
Well done though, good poem :)
-Amy
1/28/2009 c1 
9Mayo on toast
"I curl up in the corner knife clutched in my hand" Reads better with a comma after corner.
Other than that, nothing to say grammatically.
You give a lot of insight into the reasons why someone might cut; ("My thoughts on the painless burning, instead of on my life,", "I only feel the blade, a little pain, but no tears,";) and show that there is some form of guilt or regret ("After all, it's not like I do it everyday, only now and then.").
I thought it was a good poem, and your rhyming scheme went off without a hitch. well done.
9Mayo on toast"I curl up in the corner knife clutched in my hand" Reads better with a comma after corner.
Other than that, nothing to say grammatically.
You give a lot of insight into the reasons why someone might cut; ("My thoughts on the painless burning, instead of on my life,", "I only feel the blade, a little pain, but no tears,";) and show that there is some form of guilt or regret ("After all, it's not like I do it everyday, only now and then.").
I thought it was a good poem, and your rhyming scheme went off without a hitch. well done.