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3/3/2009 c1 13VelvetyCheerio
Oh my gosh! Beatles, pure hilariousness! :D You captured the essence of the OT's right here. Noob! Ahahahaha! I love it, love it a lot. Two thumbs up! XD

2/24/2009 c2 18Lime-Cat
Here's the review (one of them, anyway) that I owe you from TBT! :D

Warning: Lime tends to be negative in her reviews, but they are full of (harsh) concrit! Lime only means well! :)

"[...] now that Noob looked harder he could see she wore a little shield pinned on her collar." - This is a nice description if I know what you're talking about (and yes, I do know what you're talking about.), but perhaps you could elaborate on the shield a little bit. I'm also not a fan of the "looked harder" part because it sounds awkward. My suggestion: "[...] now that Noob had the chance to take a closer look, he could see she had a shiny little shield pinned on her collar." How's that? Wearing something that can be pinned is pretty much the same thing, I think, so there's no need to repeat yourself using different words.

"Frac's face became as thunder." - This sounds a bit awkward as well. How does a face become thunder? o_O I know what you're trying to say, you just don't have the right words, imo. Haha. Try this: "Frac's facial expression changed from beaming sunshine to angry thunder." Personification! lol. Show a transition if you'd like, this is what I would personally do, but it's ultimately up to you and how you want to portray Frac's expression. You could always cut out the 'from beaming sunshine' part as your earlier dialog already shows that. :)

"[...] they whispered, voices cracking with urgency." - are their voices literally cracking? lol. How funny. I thought 'filled with urgency' would work better, but on second thought, I think voices cracking (in fear) fits the situation better. Hahahaha.

"[...] Frac started to shake." - elaborate. Try adding "in anger" to the end of this line to show Frac's emotional state.

I see you're very comma happy. Haha. See below: "Sesshy proclaimed from behind Frac. Radio opened her mouth to follow suit, but Frac turned and shot her a death glare upon which Radio made a small squeaky sound and hid behind Sesshy." (of course, that's my suggestion. Whaddya think?)

"Dolly was shuffling her feet and Karas had begun to whistle out a tune." - Passive tone. Try this: "Dolly shuffled her feet and Karas began whistling a tune."

"[...] Frac said in a tone like molten lead." - I find it difficult to imagine 'a tone like molten lead.' O_O

"Frac threw up her hands in despair, then took a deep breath." - LOL! If I take this sentence literally, I would imagine Frac vomited (her hands)! ROFLMAO! Reword this, Beatles. My suggestion: "Frac threw her hands up in despair and took a deep breath."

On that note, the rest of the watchers started to shuffle away, avoiding Frac's steely gaze." - I would suggest revising the 'rest of the watchers' part to saying "On that note, the remaining spectators started to shuffle away, avoiding Frac's gaze of steel."

"Noob retrieved his copy of the rules and sat in the far corner of the OT lounge trying his best to understand the mind-numbing instructions and winced occasionally." - I took the liberty to correct some stuff in this sentence. Edit as you see fit.

"All was right in the Review Game." - I believe the say is "all is well", so change "right" to "well." ;)

See? I told you I'm very negative in my reviews. Lol. I did enjoy this chapter very much though - very amusing to see Lime's BFF Frac in a slight rage. XD

2/17/2009 c4 Galadriel1010


Yeah, maybe I'll avoid Twilight. I get plenty of vampires from JH and Discworld

2/16/2009 c4 Fractured Illusion
"You shall be known as... Lemme see... Moony! I like Moony, and therefore Moony it shall be!”"

XD Hilarious. especially since it has a sort of nice rhythm to it too :o

"then she gave a small gasp, took four steps backwards and started to run."

Fuck I was actually drinking when I read that. A little bit almost got out :(

Damn funny line.

"Bubbles paused patiently. "

I assumed she ran out of the room. Perhaps mention that she is still present before making this statement. :P

"“Did you bring this plague down upon is? Did you?”"

This damn sentence cracks me up every time! XD One of the epics haha. Timeless. Yes *nods*

People are grinning a whole lot. It sort of takes out the effect. Perhaps use another word every once in a while? Oh and remember, we do not only react via our head :P We have other body parts too.

"for even in the OT, carrying around a miniature missile launcher was considered a bit odd."

Yes even we have our oddities. Nice mention :P

Awesome entrance for Kylie btw. Very sudden and strong (in a good way)

"Several RG-ers backed away from Frac."


But I am just misunderstood!

Yay at the ending haha. Poor newbie. But at least we didn't make her suicidal. Always a good thing eh? :D

Nice chapter. Just cut down the grinning.

2/16/2009 c4 Chasing Skylines

Typo. Mislabeled has only one l.

XD Heheh, I like the allusion to Solade.

[Then she shrieked as a pair of hands descended on her shoulders.]

XD Now you've got me imagining that I jump on everybody's shoulders in Intro.

[I like Moony, and therefore Moony it shall be!”]

=P Like Lupin?

[From behind him, Beatles popped up to supply: “There was blood and death and smexiness, good enough for me!” She gave a wide grin.]

Why the colon? A comma would've worked and wouldn't have attracted attention.

But Hahaha. I think that's in character for Bubbles. XD

[Bubbles, the black haired woman, said]

We already got she was black-haired recently. I guess this would clear up any confusion over who the 'tall figure with black hair' is, but I don't think you need it.

[Both Bubbles and Beatles chorused]

I'm pretty sure 'both' shouldn't be capitalized.

[There was a smaller and less enthusiastic chorus from Zion]

Another word for chorus? It was better as a verb, and also just recently used (though with ed attached).

[“Oh! I love vampire books- well no, ]

-sinister grin at what's going to happen next-

[then she gave a small gasp, took four steps backwards and started to run.]

Hahahaha! Run to the closet, Twilight lover. =P

[In the far corner of the OT lounge, Beatles dove for cover.]



You weird Brits and your s's. Not a typo. Just dissing Brits. XD

[Then she turned around, marched straight over to Beatles, dragged her up by her collar, and shook her in the direction of the fellow dreaded Twilighter. “Did you bring this plague down upon is? Did you?”]

I could imagine that happening. XD

[“It’s fanfic.]

'a' fanfic? Or 'fanfiction'? Might not matter, I guess, since it's dialogue.

[Moony grinned like a jackal. Only more sparkly. And slightly more horrific.]


[emo angst]

Since when was that a plus? XD Silly Twilighters and their love of emo angst.

Why do you have so many said-bookisms? Using just 'said' is fine and recommended.

[illuminated against the hall light was a tall woman wielding a large bazooka.]

Why is everyone tall? If I remember Kylie correctly, she said she's rather short.

[“Kylie!” everyone but Moony chorused.]

See what I'm talking about said-bookisms? And you used chorused again!

[She turned the bazooka over in her hands and everyone ducked (except Moony, who was readying herself for the next round of Twilight defence).]


[“Whoops!” Kylie suddenly yelped, then grinned. “Sorry about that, wrong fic.”]


[“Well, it was well written, surely you can’t deny that.”]

I heard an English teacher admit that it was badly written... and she loved it. -_-'

[“Apparently I can, and don’t call me Shirley.” Frac retorted.]

Bit confused for a second, then haha. That is so Frac. XD

[“Need I say more?” he questioned. “It’s never ‘she said’ or ‘he said’ or ‘I said’, it’s always ‘he said huskily’ and ‘I said warily’. Adverbs! Ah!”]



[What the hell! And come on, in that first biology lesson he looks like he’s constipated or something.” She paused to breathe. “Yeah. I’m done.”]

Karas actually read the book? O_O

[“He’s in pain!” The Twilighter protested. “Because of her scent!”]

'The' shouldn't be capitalized, I think. But hahaha.

[(where it nudged Kylie’s bazooka and nearly blew up the OT, but never mind that, eh?).]

XD We'd just make a new one. =P XD

[Moony’s eyes lit up in a horrifically fan-girly manner. “So you’re Team Jacob then?” she squeaked.]


Haha, great chapter. Good job.
2/15/2009 c3 Fractured Illusion
"“**!” the girl said."

Dialog. Shouldn't it be its own paragraph?

Oh my gawd Beatles I laughed my head off during the last scene. XD Poor rule-breaker. Poor Frac. Poor Reggy, not getting hailed!

Well on you for keeping things in character XD

Loved the chapter. I think you did well with the cliché romance part. Can't wait to see what else is in store!

2/14/2009 c3 Galadriel1010
Lizzy! *Glomps*


Hehehe, fabby chapter, I sort of miss the review game, but not enough to risk the madness lol


Talk to you soon, (I'm in Wales atm lol)
2/14/2009 c3 1FirstBloom13
Bender and an OC I see?

ahahahha it was amazing as usual.

I think maybe instead of just one period to indicate change in time/POV/etc. maybe you could use 3 or something? and bold them? or just anything a little more pronounced because several times when I came across them I thought you had just accidentally pressed enter at the end of a sentence or something.

amazing as always though :)
2/14/2009 c3 Chasing Skylines
Nice chapter, I'm feeling too sick to make half-assed adverb corrections. People get it now. If they don't fix it themselves, who the crap am I to waste my effort. (Code for lazy... XD)

[Frac huffed to no one in particular, clenched her fists a few more times and then stalked back down the corridor, throwing dirty looks over her shoulder. Thankfully and for the sake of her sanity, an unsuspecting RGer two floors down created a minor blunder by misreading the mind numbing rules. Frac smiled angelically and swept down the stairs to apprehend the individual.

There was a small and distant scream.]

The last part was win.
2/14/2009 c3 13Nicki BluIs
LOL! and hahaha! and :D to boot! I love it! Let's see concrit... I liked your portray of expletives and "Real Life." I alos liked the "house was made for writing" bit and the limp fish metaphor. They were all woven in neatly but unique enough to make me smile.

So yay and hoorah!

Can't wait til the next chap :)
2/14/2009 c3 5karma-dollie
A very happy Valentine's Day to you, hun!

So you used adverbs just to spite Sesshy? ;p I kid. I kid. To be perfectly honest, I read right over them meaning they weren't in overload (or I'm tired, heheh.) Great chapter! A little RG romance brewing is cute. For the panic Noob went through coming to RG, he deserves a little fling. Haha!

And I adore Moddess at the end! Especially at the very end. This part can definitely be left to the imagination of what Moddess does to the RGer who had a n00b moment. My wild imagination is bumping up the rating of your fic. ;) Awesome job!

2/14/2009 c3 19Kyllorac
NoobxBender romance? Moving fast, aren't they? XD

*cracks up at Frac* You must include a scene of Frac going hillbilly on that poor RGer; you MUST.

And where am I, perchance? :P
2/14/2009 c3 Left FP

*falls out of chair laughing*

I mean seriously - I got set-up with Noob and Frac got annoyed?

*continues to roll about in laughter*

It was very well written. XD

Wow. I didn't say 'Hail'?

This was an awesome Valentine's Day present. I loved it!

*hugs Beatles*

And if anyone (read Sesshy) tries to say anything horrid about the fic, I'm gonna deal with them! *squares shoulders*

Nah, joking!

Everyone will have a good laugh at this. It is funny and very entertaining.

What next? What next?

Hurry with the 4th chapter now! XD *is excited*
2/11/2009 c2 13Nicki BluIs
silly silly noob... Ha!I like how you translated the forum stuff to real life stuff, very smoothly.

Bubbles :P
2/5/2009 c2 5Belladonna94
Lol, this is SO original and fwicked!

I always say n00B because I get to use the '0' button. :)
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