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2/3/2009 c2 Chasing Skylines
It's so short. -cough- Moving on...

[flying instantly]

Zooming? Wheeling? Soaring? Streaking? Rushing? Speeding? Or even just 'flying' without the adverb. There are many choices.

[an enthusiastic grin]

Grins are often enthusiastic; it's fine, but showing an enthusiastic 'action' before this would help. Or through your dialogue. I think it's because you used 'inquired'. Not very enthusiastic.

[grin set firmly on her face.]

Stuck on her face? Poised? Fixed!

[“Don’t worry it’ll settle down soon enough.”]

Could be fine the way it is, and commas are debatable in many cases, but shouldn't there be a comma after worry?

[Frac’s face became as thunder.]

Wha? Became as thunder? Missing an adjective? Became as... fierce as thunder? Definitely missing a word.

[The one who had called himself Sesshy, and his wizard friend Radio appeared over Frac’s shoulders. ]

Should be a comma after Radio, I think.

But woot! FTW!

[but it was too late: Frac had exploded.]


Woah... use italics not caps.

[Radio made a small squeaky sound, and hid behind Sesshy.]

No comma needed.

[Beatles coughed nervously.]

Coughed! Just coughed will work. And there are many actions besides those oriented around the face and head; in real life, we do not operate by only our head. People have hand motions, twitches, fidgeting with clothes, etc.

[Frac said in a tone like molten lead.]

Cliche alert. How do you talk like molten lead? That'd be an awfully ugly voice... Frac has an ugly voice? XD XD XD

[“Well...” they all said in unison.]

Hey! I read the rules... unlike you. =P

[Noob brought up his hand, and turned the alert button off.]

Every line feels so segmented. What's with all the commas before and?

There's all the faults. =)

Good job.

2/3/2009 c2 5karma-dollie
*falls out of chair laughing*

*picks self up to keep reading*

*falls again*

Awesome job, Beatles! RG in a nutshell. A hilariously decorated nutshell. :D

I would like to know how disaster was averted though or if Frac went hillbilly on poor Noob to get him to read the rules. No wait, that would be the disaster and would lead to an M rating for the fic. Heehee!

Awesomesauce just like you, hun!

2/3/2009 c2 11Kirrithian
Brilliant! I can also imagine Frac banging a couple of peoples heads together for not meeting the review requirements...

Anyway, another good chapter.

I'm wondering whether there will be anything about the PL misunderstanding...

- Dolly
2/3/2009 c2 Carus
I love it, R.W.!

Seriously, I love it all. You have the humour down perfectly :P

And I think this is good characterisation too.

*hides from Frac*

2/3/2009 c2 Left FP
A very fun read, Beatles. Frac is very much in her character. I love the way you've brought the different personalities of the RGrs...keep up the good work!

This is on my favorites at once!
2/3/2009 c2 Fractured Illusion
Holy fucking hells yeah. XD I pwn him. Not only did I pwn him, I super-pwned him. HA! XD

Awesome chappie, BeeBee! Not lying, cuz I was laughing through it and smiling, and my cheeks went all "I am hurting D=" so yeah. *pinches cheeks to relax the muscles*

Loved hill-billy me. Haha. She is hilarious! :O man, what a bitch too. Schizo as well.

Only thing I can remark on is that turning off your email alerts isn't in the rules. Ahem. XD

Keep it up or I will hurt somebody.

2/3/2009 c2 Galadriel1010

I read the rules, turned alerts off and still got the damned things! Alerts are bad for the soul

Love it

1/29/2009 c1 13Nicki BluIs
the fic made me :) only thing i would say is to designate who is speaking more often. Like all your dialogue is sort of floating around and it becomes hard to tell who is speaking.

Bubbles :P
1/29/2009 c1 Carus
Gawsh I am so (un)offended! That was hilarious, really.

...I'm not ALWAYS hyper... lol
1/28/2009 c1 Chasing Skylines
[“ and B) go up the stairs, along the corridor, second staircase in the left, fifth door on the right, then the ladder and straight onwards from there, you have to go to Intro! Gawsh!”]

Totally not nitpicky... but uh... you have an extra space before the and. See it? After the quotations? -hands you magnifying glass- XD

[“ Hiya!”]

-cough- Repeat offense. -cough-

[“Wizards, for the win!”]

[“Plus one, hell yeah!”]

Hells yeah we are!

[“Just say hail!” Sesshy whispered urgently.]

Oh I'm so nice. XD

[Noob!The Moddess hath spoken.”]

-cough- Missing a space after the '!'. -cough-

[And with that, she ceremoniously pinned an innocuous square badge on his collar, there was a vague grey head shape on it, and it seemed to be humming slightly.]

Comma splicing! Put a semi-colon before 'there was a [...]', or a period.

[zany images on them.]

Zany. XD

[“Hi Noob!” the other people in the attic clamoured around him till he was swamped.]

Action, so should be 'The'.

[A brown haired young man who looked tiny bit like David Tennant]

Should be 'a tiny bit'.

["I'm fine!"]

One exclamation point is fine. I feel a Terry Pratchett, was it(?), quote coming on.

[Noob turned to see a bubbly looking, blonde girl bouncing up and down beside them.]

XD Karas is a bubbly blond? XD

[The recently named Karas just squeaked and ran off to find some sugar.]

Sounds confusing, like Karas was recently named.

["They're in lurve!" Karas popped back to supply.]

Remove one '!'. Should grammar etiquette even apply here?

["Thanks Kas..." the lying pair drawled, their eyelids drooping.

"Seriously, you guys alright?"

Zion yawned, "It's late, is all."]

It's not late; ya'll just coming off a high. XD

[Beatles laughed (out loud).]

Why out loud? Are you otherwise typing? If so, that should be mentioned.


OMGZ, Adverbz? -kidding-

[The sheep badge smirked, "Are we what?"]

Tis' an action, period after smirked, not comma.

[" like together, and such?"]

Repeat offense. -slammer-

[Both of them laughed delightedly.]

Giggled is better than laughed delightedly.

[Many downstairs' later, Noob arrived at the infamous door to the OT lounge. Taking a deep breath, he shouldered the door open, and entered the room.]

As you know, here is where you repeated a passage.

- refresh -

Whoa, the left alone part is gone. Eh.
1/28/2009 c1 Fractured Illusion
Yay it is finally here! :D

"EDIT: scratch that, reverse it."

What? We can't have people now? :O Phooey.

*hides cellar filled with virgins*

"known as Noob!The Moddess hath "

Tis be a mere spacing issue.

Anyways, I loved my introduction *cough cough* XD I am so fun. Hhaah. *ego*

I love the way this fic is going. I am really feeling sorry for all the newbs we have, our place sounds like a handful XD

The HAIL moment was awesomesauce, btw. Very authentic XD

Gosh darn I cant stop smiling.

Awesome story!

Hmm...only concrit would be...try to lessen the talking heads? (as in, use more "said [name]". So as to not confuse.

Looking forward to the next chapter!

1/28/2009 c1 Galadriel1010

Oh my God that's (still) awesome

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