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for Aurelian Freed

4/9/2009 c1 11Fay Diablo
All righty, in the beginning, you might want to word this part- "She was the only girl I really liked. But even that could not stop the flow of time. I was quickly jerked from the home as soon as the family found out I liked her, and told the Home Services of Aurelia. That's my home world." a little better.

First of all, saying she's the only girl he ever liked is kind of immature. It just kind of breaks when you say "as soon as the family found out I liked her". There might be a better word to use- I get that the word "love" might not work here, but still.

Also, you might want to leave off the part saying "That's my home world." It's just kind of stuck in there, as way of explanation, when you could surely fit that information into the next paragraph.

You missed a few spots with capitalization in the second paragraph, also, and I think that when you might put something other than "Back to Aurelia." It just sounds funny to me, I dunno.

Anyway, it does sound interesting.


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4/1/2009 c4 2Ray-Anne
Lol. A/N =P

Twas a good update (cough finally cough)

She has an imp! I'm so jealous. I'd love to have one. That was shocking though. Their world is cool (if a bit deadly) love the escape though.

Bit rushed that's all
2/5/2009 c3 Ray-Anne
Not crazy for torture scenes. Very brutal...nicely done though I can easily say. Wish there was more. =( Lol.
1/31/2009 c2 Ray-Anne
I should have expected it so, but this is so utterly different to read than your other story. A completely main character personality twist. This seems much more aloof and child forward. It's a nice piece. A bit confusing for now, but I think it will clear up nicely.
1/29/2009 c1 Ray-Anne
Well, firstly as not annoying as possible you do have quite a few grammatical errors. Little things, but quite a few.

It sounds really interesting though...just the idea of it all. An interesting set of characters mixed in this. First for me to introduce known mythical magic with the outer terrestrials. Or maybe I don't get out enough I'm not sure.

Well, whichever you end up going with this, I'm sure it will go somewhere.

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