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2/1/2009 c1 62Kiwi-kiwi6
Ha ha. This poem made me laugh out loud. It's hilarious.
1/29/2009 c1 172DefineBeauty
i like how you personified a pencil to be the speaker's friend. it's just subtle at first, but at the punchline, the reader get's where you're going with this and i think you did a good job with the personifcation area.

also, you did well with the irnoy aspect.

i didn't really like the tone of this though. it seemed kinda dull to me. just monotone. i think if you added some more imagery it might spice it up a bit.

also, the flow seems a little weird. i think that punctuation has a little bit to do with this. for example, 'Can't you see,' , in my opinion, should have a question mark at the end. correct punctuation helps a reader know when to pause and whatnot.

i agree with The Jab and think that 'sharpen' and 'sharpening' within two lines doesn't go over very well. it seems a little dull and repetitive.

overall, i don't think this has reached it's full potential yet, but i think with a little bit of work it could =]
1/29/2009 c1 2The Jab
I don't usually do poetry, but because of the Review Game (Check them out, first forum in the General Forums) I'll try it out.

Genre: Here I'll evaluate how well you represented the genre, Humor. As I read this, I somewhat scoffed at the lack of humor. I recall thinking "What's this and who calls it humor?" Being a stand up comedian I found it a wee bit offensive. Haha, okay that's exaggeration. I figured that this would have been better off in the tragedy section. It seemed like a great insight into how people drive past broken down cars in the driveway and will ignore a lost crying child in a department store. Then I hit the "punchline": Back to the sharpener. I chuckled and felt like a complete imbecile like Ashton Kutcher had just punk'd me. So in conclusion, it made me laugh and it wasn't some dumb quick immature joke either. Like a lot of comedic style you did this fantastic set-up and a one-line punchline.

Grammar: For what I know, it's got great grammaticals (word?) I like that you capitalized the beginning of each line, as I believe that's how it's done. No spelling mistakes. One thing I might suggest is not repeating a form of the word sharpen within two lines of each other. There aren't many fitting synonyms for sharpen so I would suggest something like "to restore his broken point" or something to that effect. I don't know, that's just what I felt. It's not a mistake persay though. It's just style and I guess that's how I roll?

Literary: The style is quite childish, but eloquent in the same manner. It's hard to explain. It's so simple, that it's complex. I'm not going to try and explain further because I don't think I could, haha.

The Bad: Honestly, since it's such a short and sweet poem, I don't have anything to say.

I may read some more of your stuff. I'm intrigued haha.

Happy Writing,

The Jab
1/29/2009 c1 52Kristal
Haha! Okay so not where I thought that was going! And for a moment I was like, gonna write a review that i was expecting some humor... then BANG! Humor! Hehe! Great job! Keep writing!

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