for The Lupic Storm2/4/2009 c1 
3The Ferrett
I love the way the three scenes are blended together, makes it like a real ghost strory, and those are always fun. So is this.
Also love the word-sounds. Too many more and you'd be overdoig it, but they puntuate the important bits and make the Lupic feel like a beast instead of an innert lump of metal.
3The FerrettI love the way the three scenes are blended together, makes it like a real ghost strory, and those are always fun. So is this.
Also love the word-sounds. Too many more and you'd be overdoig it, but they puntuate the important bits and make the Lupic feel like a beast instead of an innert lump of metal.
2/3/2009 c1 3Mercyette
Ta Da! Your Freebie:
I really love the vivid details you have in this piece. I can really picture everything in my mind's eye, down to every last detail. Its hard to put images (especially ones that are more supernatural like you have here) into someone's mind without it seeming...forced, so to speak. You do a great job of avoiding that. I also loved how you described everything, like the different perspectives of the passengers, rather than just the conductor.
I might suggest finding a way to tell the story without having the whole conversation between people going on. When they spoke with each other, it kinda pulled me out of the image I was getting of the actual train disappearance. Of course, it's really just a preference thing. It reads nicely the way it is, but that was just my two cents.
Awesome job!
3MercyetteTa Da! Your Freebie:
I really love the vivid details you have in this piece. I can really picture everything in my mind's eye, down to every last detail. Its hard to put images (especially ones that are more supernatural like you have here) into someone's mind without it seeming...forced, so to speak. You do a great job of avoiding that. I also loved how you described everything, like the different perspectives of the passengers, rather than just the conductor.
I might suggest finding a way to tell the story without having the whole conversation between people going on. When they spoke with each other, it kinda pulled me out of the image I was getting of the actual train disappearance. Of course, it's really just a preference thing. It reads nicely the way it is, but that was just my two cents.
Awesome job!
1/31/2009 c1 7Mazkeraide
I liked this story because it was very interesting. Ghosts and disappearing trains- very cool.
However, I was rather confused by the lack of anything demonstrating a transition into flashback (besides the word "screet". I was still confused). Maybe it was just me, but I had little idea what was going on in the flashback. The man was the driver of the Lupic Storm, I gathered, but he escaped? And the green-eyed man did as well? I don't know, maybe I'm just dumb.
Anyway, I did like this. Very well done.
~~Mazzie~~
7MazkeraideI liked this story because it was very interesting. Ghosts and disappearing trains- very cool.
However, I was rather confused by the lack of anything demonstrating a transition into flashback (besides the word "screet". I was still confused). Maybe it was just me, but I had little idea what was going on in the flashback. The man was the driver of the Lupic Storm, I gathered, but he escaped? And the green-eyed man did as well? I don't know, maybe I'm just dumb.
Anyway, I did like this. Very well done.
~~Mazzie~~
1/31/2009 c1 1AnotherMaybe321
That was quite good. :) I really liked your use of metaphor and descripition, it was pretty impressive haha. I didn't quite like that the characters lacked in-depth background, but I guess that's not really necessary for this particular story. I really enjoyed it, good job.
:)
1AnotherMaybe321That was quite good. :) I really liked your use of metaphor and descripition, it was pretty impressive haha. I didn't quite like that the characters lacked in-depth background, but I guess that's not really necessary for this particular story. I really enjoyed it, good job.
:)