for Ketsumei Vampire6/25/2010 c3 Guest
Damn, I'm a little strapped for time so this might not be as long as the others. I like the detail of Yuki masking her scent and disguising herself, it makes sense for her not to be a complete badass right off the bat considering she hasn't inherited anything from her father but she's just learning as she goes.
However, I'd hate to admit it but as much as Underworld City is said to be so big, you don't really add many details to indicate that there is a thriving metropolis about. I didn't really get a sense of the actual scale of the city when reading about Hyde's escape. I had that same sense that I was missing a passage as with Mikiko. Personally, I think the source of the issue is perhaps when writing you have your own image in your head of these characters and elements of the story (well thought out images mind you) but you just have yet to convey it in your work.
I don't think this is a flaw that is detrimental to the flow of the story, but I feel lik eit's something that you aren't completely aware that you're doing because you have so many details already thought out as it is. A good story thus far sorry for leaving on a down note but I have to leave for the time being. Feel free to PM me if you need more clarification or have any questions, I'm kind of in a rush at the moment.
-Lobo
Damn, I'm a little strapped for time so this might not be as long as the others. I like the detail of Yuki masking her scent and disguising herself, it makes sense for her not to be a complete badass right off the bat considering she hasn't inherited anything from her father but she's just learning as she goes.
However, I'd hate to admit it but as much as Underworld City is said to be so big, you don't really add many details to indicate that there is a thriving metropolis about. I didn't really get a sense of the actual scale of the city when reading about Hyde's escape. I had that same sense that I was missing a passage as with Mikiko. Personally, I think the source of the issue is perhaps when writing you have your own image in your head of these characters and elements of the story (well thought out images mind you) but you just have yet to convey it in your work.
I don't think this is a flaw that is detrimental to the flow of the story, but I feel lik eit's something that you aren't completely aware that you're doing because you have so many details already thought out as it is. A good story thus far sorry for leaving on a down note but I have to leave for the time being. Feel free to PM me if you need more clarification or have any questions, I'm kind of in a rush at the moment.
-Lobo
6/25/2010 c2 Account.Deleted239103
Wow, I didn't think I would read it that fast. This seemed about as lengthy as the last chapter. Anyway, the only bit that really seemed to jar me somewhat was the first one and that's just because it seemed like the pacing was a bit accelerated to accomodate expediency. I mean, I'm one to write about 15 pages per chapter so I guess I'm not the best person to be talking about pacing issues but to narrow it down I would say that I got the feeling that Mikiko was already introduced in a passage I haven't read yet and that I was missing something.
However, as soon as she and Hyde began divulging exposition and their exchange went on I was sucked into the plot once again. I used to run into so many stories where the dialogue was contrived or the main character would engage in sylliloquys (sp?) with themselves to narrate what the author should be saying but this progression of plot and character development was very smooth and despite that rocky beginning the remainder of the story was very well written. You are most definitely a competent character author and I believe that in terms of narrative, plot, even grammar (in some instances) the ability to create captiviating and evoloving characters and how they interact with their environment is definitely the mos timportant foundation of any aspiring author. Good job.
Wow, I didn't think I would read it that fast. This seemed about as lengthy as the last chapter. Anyway, the only bit that really seemed to jar me somewhat was the first one and that's just because it seemed like the pacing was a bit accelerated to accomodate expediency. I mean, I'm one to write about 15 pages per chapter so I guess I'm not the best person to be talking about pacing issues but to narrow it down I would say that I got the feeling that Mikiko was already introduced in a passage I haven't read yet and that I was missing something.
However, as soon as she and Hyde began divulging exposition and their exchange went on I was sucked into the plot once again. I used to run into so many stories where the dialogue was contrived or the main character would engage in sylliloquys (sp?) with themselves to narrate what the author should be saying but this progression of plot and character development was very smooth and despite that rocky beginning the remainder of the story was very well written. You are most definitely a competent character author and I believe that in terms of narrative, plot, even grammar (in some instances) the ability to create captiviating and evoloving characters and how they interact with their environment is definitely the mos timportant foundation of any aspiring author. Good job.
6/25/2010 c1 Account.Deleted239103
Hello, new to Shoujo Star and just trying to check out the other stories of staff and writer-submissions alike and meet new people ^_^.
I have to admit, it's been quite a long time since I read a vampire story but it's good to find one where a vampire is actually a vampire who kills/manipulates/intimidates others. I also like your use of description and the sense of mind to add context to your prose rather than the simplified "A goes to B and then C." that reads more like a screenplay than an actual story.
If I could constructively submit anything it would be just a common nitpick that I too am guilty of. The piece of dialogue that goes:
"I'm not sure what he wanted. In fact I could careless. It's the verity of his death that pisses me off."
The phrase is supposed to be "I couldn't care less". Now, typically if in first person or if a young character says this I wouldn't mention it seeing as that these days the way you wrote it is the social norm. But Revilo I imagine has been around for quite some time and would use the traditional phrase at least out of habit.
Anyway, onto chapter 2.
Hello, new to Shoujo Star and just trying to check out the other stories of staff and writer-submissions alike and meet new people ^_^.
I have to admit, it's been quite a long time since I read a vampire story but it's good to find one where a vampire is actually a vampire who kills/manipulates/intimidates others. I also like your use of description and the sense of mind to add context to your prose rather than the simplified "A goes to B and then C." that reads more like a screenplay than an actual story.
If I could constructively submit anything it would be just a common nitpick that I too am guilty of. The piece of dialogue that goes:
"I'm not sure what he wanted. In fact I could careless. It's the verity of his death that pisses me off."
The phrase is supposed to be "I couldn't care less". Now, typically if in first person or if a young character says this I wouldn't mention it seeing as that these days the way you wrote it is the social norm. But Revilo I imagine has been around for quite some time and would use the traditional phrase at least out of habit.
Anyway, onto chapter 2.
9/27/2009 c8 
26Melladonna
Sorry it's been so long, I've been working on a new story and this story was actually a part of my inspiration to write my own vampire story. I'd be honored if you'd read it, it's called Shattered Illusions.
Now, on to my review.
Even though I like Revilo and Yuki, I can't help but to feel bad for Tai. I hope that he finds someone to latch on to. He's got a genuinely good heart and he needs someone to love.
I like the contrast you made on Imperial Village as well. Usually one would stick to the anime side of it and make it something of a wealthy castle-like village but you managed to put a dismal spin on it and turned it in to something interesting.
The Tamaki thing seemed a little random, but then again the scene changed very fast. I also think that the fight could have been a little longer to put more of a struggle with Tai and the beast but you're obviously not finished with that scene yet. Great job on a cliffhanger that is definitely noteworthy for the series. I certainly hope that Tai will come out of it alright.
“Just other day here I went and tried to get me a little kitty …if you catch my drift. Damn it all if the girl wasn’t some Neko boy dressed in drag. The moral of the story is you should be wary of what you ask for you may get it and that much more!”
OMG! That's freaking hilarious for no apparent reason! It kind of reminds me of a character of mine in Shattered Illusions named Hizaki, who is a drag queen and looks completely female.
Revilo's reaction was also priceless. It's usually the way that I react to a funny joke like that, either that or I'm over there chuckling to myself in perverted glee.
For some reason, the boy falling into Revilo's arms was a touching scene. It provided some depth into his character and gave us a small glimpse into the soft side of his heart.
All in all, beautiful chapter! I highly enjoyed it and I can't wait until your next update! Sorry I'm taking so long with TWUTS and I loved your fanart, it definitely gave me some inspiration!
As soon as I get well, I'll be working on it once more. Until then, I hope that you'll stop by and read Shattered Illusions and tell me what you think of it.
26MelladonnaSorry it's been so long, I've been working on a new story and this story was actually a part of my inspiration to write my own vampire story. I'd be honored if you'd read it, it's called Shattered Illusions.
Now, on to my review.
Even though I like Revilo and Yuki, I can't help but to feel bad for Tai. I hope that he finds someone to latch on to. He's got a genuinely good heart and he needs someone to love.
I like the contrast you made on Imperial Village as well. Usually one would stick to the anime side of it and make it something of a wealthy castle-like village but you managed to put a dismal spin on it and turned it in to something interesting.
The Tamaki thing seemed a little random, but then again the scene changed very fast. I also think that the fight could have been a little longer to put more of a struggle with Tai and the beast but you're obviously not finished with that scene yet. Great job on a cliffhanger that is definitely noteworthy for the series. I certainly hope that Tai will come out of it alright.
“Just other day here I went and tried to get me a little kitty …if you catch my drift. Damn it all if the girl wasn’t some Neko boy dressed in drag. The moral of the story is you should be wary of what you ask for you may get it and that much more!”
OMG! That's freaking hilarious for no apparent reason! It kind of reminds me of a character of mine in Shattered Illusions named Hizaki, who is a drag queen and looks completely female.
Revilo's reaction was also priceless. It's usually the way that I react to a funny joke like that, either that or I'm over there chuckling to myself in perverted glee.
For some reason, the boy falling into Revilo's arms was a touching scene. It provided some depth into his character and gave us a small glimpse into the soft side of his heart.
All in all, beautiful chapter! I highly enjoyed it and I can't wait until your next update! Sorry I'm taking so long with TWUTS and I loved your fanart, it definitely gave me some inspiration!
As soon as I get well, I'll be working on it once more. Until then, I hope that you'll stop by and read Shattered Illusions and tell me what you think of it.
6/4/2009 c7 Melladonna
I'm finally caught up on this story! I'm so glad! This is slowly becoming tied with Working for Affection. This chapter was perfect and I didn't see a thing wrong with it. Keep up the wonderful updates and I'll definitely read more.
Oh, TWUTS will be updated this weekend, so look for it. ^^
I'm finally caught up on this story! I'm so glad! This is slowly becoming tied with Working for Affection. This chapter was perfect and I didn't see a thing wrong with it. Keep up the wonderful updates and I'll definitely read more.
Oh, TWUTS will be updated this weekend, so look for it. ^^
6/4/2009 c6 Melladonna
Well, this chapter was very good. I like your action scenes and the fact that both Tai and Revolio are showing a bond towards Yuki make for a very interesting story so far.
My only crit is that a bite to the neck would equal death to the donor, the jugular and many other important cardiatric arteries are located in the neck and it would have insured Yuki's death.
Most vampires will bite on the shoulder, crook of the neck or arm in places that no vital veins are.
I did like the biting scene, however. I think it should have been a bit more drawn out, since it was an important turning point in the story but you did a wonderful job.
I love your cast and how all of your characters are coming together. You're good at giving them distinct personalities and traits.
Sorry I'm late, I've been trying to catch up on reading other's works. I'll be giving you another review shortly.
Well, this chapter was very good. I like your action scenes and the fact that both Tai and Revolio are showing a bond towards Yuki make for a very interesting story so far.
My only crit is that a bite to the neck would equal death to the donor, the jugular and many other important cardiatric arteries are located in the neck and it would have insured Yuki's death.
Most vampires will bite on the shoulder, crook of the neck or arm in places that no vital veins are.
I did like the biting scene, however. I think it should have been a bit more drawn out, since it was an important turning point in the story but you did a wonderful job.
I love your cast and how all of your characters are coming together. You're good at giving them distinct personalities and traits.
Sorry I'm late, I've been trying to catch up on reading other's works. I'll be giving you another review shortly.
4/29/2009 c5 26Melladonna
Finally! I am nearly caught up on reading chapters! I really like Tai's character and I think that information should be elaborated on more. It was a basic summary and I'd love to get a more tragic feel from a detailed flashback or two. I hope you'll bring that to light in later chapters.
I also like how the relationship between Yuki and Revolio is coming about. I see that she at least sympathizes a little with his current condition.
I look forward to your next chapter and I'm definitely liking this more and more with every chapter.
Best wishes and good luck,
Melissa
26MelladonnaFinally! I am nearly caught up on reading chapters! I really like Tai's character and I think that information should be elaborated on more. It was a basic summary and I'd love to get a more tragic feel from a detailed flashback or two. I hope you'll bring that to light in later chapters.
I also like how the relationship between Yuki and Revolio is coming about. I see that she at least sympathizes a little with his current condition.
I look forward to your next chapter and I'm definitely liking this more and more with every chapter.
Best wishes and good luck,
Melissa
4/10/2009 c4 9EsiuoL
wow... I haven't reviewed for a while.. hehe! As usual I love it! Great chappie! I just hope you can update as soon as you can.
^^
9EsiuoLwow... I haven't reviewed for a while.. hehe! As usual I love it! Great chappie! I just hope you can update as soon as you can.
^^
3/8/2009 c1 4Julia Lucrezia Hanazono
Whoa! This is quite good! Nice beginning! I'll add this to my faves later cuz I have things to do. If it's okay with you, would you like to see my stories? I'm working on TCR (The Catalyst's Rebellion) and I recently started a new one called Firefly's Enchantment. Wanna see? Sorry to ask in case you're busy. I'll read more of your works later. I have things to do. Keep up the good work!
4Julia Lucrezia HanazonoWhoa! This is quite good! Nice beginning! I'll add this to my faves later cuz I have things to do. If it's okay with you, would you like to see my stories? I'm working on TCR (The Catalyst's Rebellion) and I recently started a new one called Firefly's Enchantment. Wanna see? Sorry to ask in case you're busy. I'll read more of your works later. I have things to do. Keep up the good work!
3/2/2009 c4 1Tomoyuki Tanaka
This is cool. Not a bad development, it seems that things are heading the right way, especially with the Hunter Society. I bet Jizo is going to sneak back in there again, the underworld I mean.
And Yuki throwing the bunch of leaves into the fire and smoking the room was amusing. Nicely done, I think. Though the grabbing of her chest is a little cliche.
I hope to read more soon!
1Tomoyuki TanakaThis is cool. Not a bad development, it seems that things are heading the right way, especially with the Hunter Society. I bet Jizo is going to sneak back in there again, the underworld I mean.
And Yuki throwing the bunch of leaves into the fire and smoking the room was amusing. Nicely done, I think. Though the grabbing of her chest is a little cliche.
I hope to read more soon!
3/2/2009 c4 26Melladonna
The thing about Jizo destroying his humanity has proven true in a lot of anime. Undergoing complete transformation to a machine takes away free will and kind of places you in a one-track mind ex. 'kill, kill, kill' and it seems to be a bit of Jizo's problem. I'm writing a story called Synthetic Emotions that has a lot to do with the boundaries between robotic science and what it means to be human as far as how close can it actually be without problems arising. It's nice to know that someone seems to agree with me.
The perverted moment between Revolio and Yuki was quite humorous. It's moments like that which make me like that couple.
Sorry, I'm voting that Yuki stay with the vampires. I think she has more of a plce there then with the humans. I don't know, I'm not sure that I really like the intent of the humans.
All-in-all, a great chapter with a good amount of nicely done action. Wonferful job!
26MelladonnaThe thing about Jizo destroying his humanity has proven true in a lot of anime. Undergoing complete transformation to a machine takes away free will and kind of places you in a one-track mind ex. 'kill, kill, kill' and it seems to be a bit of Jizo's problem. I'm writing a story called Synthetic Emotions that has a lot to do with the boundaries between robotic science and what it means to be human as far as how close can it actually be without problems arising. It's nice to know that someone seems to agree with me.
The perverted moment between Revolio and Yuki was quite humorous. It's moments like that which make me like that couple.
Sorry, I'm voting that Yuki stay with the vampires. I think she has more of a plce there then with the humans. I don't know, I'm not sure that I really like the intent of the humans.
All-in-all, a great chapter with a good amount of nicely done action. Wonferful job!
2/17/2009 c3 1Tomoyuki Tanaka
That as fun! But if I were Yuki I would trust the human because I know I wouldn't be able to make it out of Hades alone. And some action! Cool! I hope to see more soon!
1Tomoyuki TanakaThat as fun! But if I were Yuki I would trust the human because I know I wouldn't be able to make it out of Hades alone. And some action! Cool! I hope to see more soon!
2/16/2009 c3 26Melladonna
The comment about the girl's mother, in the olden ages it was not uncommon to be married at 14. In fact, most brides were married from 14-15 and 16-18 was considered too old to be married. Since people had shorter lifespans in the fuedal ages and things of that nature, they considered 17-20 to be the equivilant of being an old hag. Just a bit of interesting information incase you didn't know it.
Revilo is a strange one. He must have an ultirior motive to marrying her. Vampires don't eat people, simply drink their blood and most vampires will not use a child as a blood source, nor will they turn a child into a vampire. A blood donor is usually someone who mutually agrees to give the vampire their blood, people who are not donors are killed. I wonder what his deal is anyway. He's beginning to interest me with his little plot.
I really like Tai, I think he's probably high on my favorites list right now.
Silver bullets are solely a tactic used to kill werewolves but a bullet to the skin would definitely weaken a vampire. Silver is a weakness solely to werewolves, so it would be the fleshwound that slowed Revilo down.
About your Kageri attack, you may not want him using it all of the time to avoid the Mary Sue. Perhaps you could put stipulations on it i.e. It drains his powers too much to use it more then once or he can only do it at a certain time. It could even require that he drink more blood in order to use it. Just suggestions but if you have it covered, you can just ignore this, lol.
This fight looks promising. I wonder what will come of it.
All in all, you have a pretty good chapter with beautiful imagry and good character development. Good job and I look forward to seeing you next chapter.
26MelladonnaThe comment about the girl's mother, in the olden ages it was not uncommon to be married at 14. In fact, most brides were married from 14-15 and 16-18 was considered too old to be married. Since people had shorter lifespans in the fuedal ages and things of that nature, they considered 17-20 to be the equivilant of being an old hag. Just a bit of interesting information incase you didn't know it.
Revilo is a strange one. He must have an ultirior motive to marrying her. Vampires don't eat people, simply drink their blood and most vampires will not use a child as a blood source, nor will they turn a child into a vampire. A blood donor is usually someone who mutually agrees to give the vampire their blood, people who are not donors are killed. I wonder what his deal is anyway. He's beginning to interest me with his little plot.
I really like Tai, I think he's probably high on my favorites list right now.
Silver bullets are solely a tactic used to kill werewolves but a bullet to the skin would definitely weaken a vampire. Silver is a weakness solely to werewolves, so it would be the fleshwound that slowed Revilo down.
About your Kageri attack, you may not want him using it all of the time to avoid the Mary Sue. Perhaps you could put stipulations on it i.e. It drains his powers too much to use it more then once or he can only do it at a certain time. It could even require that he drink more blood in order to use it. Just suggestions but if you have it covered, you can just ignore this, lol.
This fight looks promising. I wonder what will come of it.
All in all, you have a pretty good chapter with beautiful imagry and good character development. Good job and I look forward to seeing you next chapter.