for Essence of Sandalwood3/21/2009 c1 
10Caecilia
[love spaghetti] should be 'loved'
=O
This is so good!
You've gotten me hooked, and now I'm terribly curious as to whose memories Rachel is recovering...
Love the detail you show in the flashback, and even more so that you used italics to differentiate it from the rest of this chapter.
Great start, and I really hope you expand on this!
~Caecilia Bellz, the Roadhouse
10Caecilia[love spaghetti] should be 'loved'
=O
This is so good!
You've gotten me hooked, and now I'm terribly curious as to whose memories Rachel is recovering...
Love the detail you show in the flashback, and even more so that you used italics to differentiate it from the rest of this chapter.
Great start, and I really hope you expand on this!
~Caecilia Bellz, the Roadhouse
3/19/2009 c1 Chancee
Okay this is your depth review from the RG.
First of all I like the flash back in the beginning which turned out to be her memory trying to come back. I like the details you gave and the way the two girls were written I could feel their excitement. I did not understand the transition from the classroom to the car at first since I was not sure where the flashback ended, so I re-read. You might want to put a better break there, or not, it could have just been me.
Rachel seems to be starting off to be an already troubled character that has had a horrible thing as amnesia strike her with the death of her friends. So that interesting background is good to hold the attention of your reader I believe.
I like how you describe the 'Death' of them,her friends, as they are no longer their former selves due to their brain trauma. Of course I was confused also since you said they were dead, so if you did not intend that to be and these were some other people you just named randomly, make that clearer. A very good job of imagery with the characters I think, nonetheless.
The descriptions of the people in the trauma center as well makes my heart go out to them, but I'm sure you have some more to bring in about their lives as well since they are injured so badly and she was thrown so far away fromt the accident. I can see their families having some hard feelings too.
I also like the slight eeryness of her walking possibly from the accident and being found. Makes me think that she was assisted or something else strange happened.
I also enjoyed the pace. Now while the middle slowed down, you needed to give background and build up the relationship between Rachel and her mother so I see why you added the photos, and the mother's mood and body language in the car.
I also like how you did not tell us everything about the dream and why it bothered her till the end so it makes you want to continue to read to find out just what or who's memories those were so good job again with the suspense factor there, in my opinion.
Over all the pace I believe was good, you had some dropped words, but that is not what I really concentrate on and I felt like I could get into the story.
Very good job and congratulations on winning the contest. Your story was very well done and you deserve all the reviews you get. Hopefully you will update this story very soon, I am eager to find out what will happen with the doctor.
Okay this is your depth review from the RG.
First of all I like the flash back in the beginning which turned out to be her memory trying to come back. I like the details you gave and the way the two girls were written I could feel their excitement. I did not understand the transition from the classroom to the car at first since I was not sure where the flashback ended, so I re-read. You might want to put a better break there, or not, it could have just been me.
Rachel seems to be starting off to be an already troubled character that has had a horrible thing as amnesia strike her with the death of her friends. So that interesting background is good to hold the attention of your reader I believe.
I like how you describe the 'Death' of them,her friends, as they are no longer their former selves due to their brain trauma. Of course I was confused also since you said they were dead, so if you did not intend that to be and these were some other people you just named randomly, make that clearer. A very good job of imagery with the characters I think, nonetheless.
The descriptions of the people in the trauma center as well makes my heart go out to them, but I'm sure you have some more to bring in about their lives as well since they are injured so badly and she was thrown so far away fromt the accident. I can see their families having some hard feelings too.
I also like the slight eeryness of her walking possibly from the accident and being found. Makes me think that she was assisted or something else strange happened.
I also enjoyed the pace. Now while the middle slowed down, you needed to give background and build up the relationship between Rachel and her mother so I see why you added the photos, and the mother's mood and body language in the car.
I also like how you did not tell us everything about the dream and why it bothered her till the end so it makes you want to continue to read to find out just what or who's memories those were so good job again with the suspense factor there, in my opinion.
Over all the pace I believe was good, you had some dropped words, but that is not what I really concentrate on and I felt like I could get into the story.
Very good job and congratulations on winning the contest. Your story was very well done and you deserve all the reviews you get. Hopefully you will update this story very soon, I am eager to find out what will happen with the doctor.
3/15/2009 c1 13gigglebug
okay, well I fail as an RGer because I was supposed to give an in-depth review. T_T sorry that I'm not better at this.
*cough* anyway. irrelevantly, my best friend's name is Rachel, and that makes me giggle a little.
but to the point:
okay, I rather liked the fact that you started with the flashback (and made it clear that it was one by use of italics). The sudden jumping into the plot is a good attention getter and then we like to keep reading, so that's a good thing to know how to do. =]
I also liked the fact that you answered questions before going back to Joy and Regina. It's another cool thing to bring them up again because it's obvious they're a major part of this plot. (*mental facepalm*) I had wondered if they were, perhaps, two of the friends in the accident, but I suppose that the statement that the memories were not her own kinda disputes that.
Again, the emotions portrayed in this are very vivid. Just the overall descriptions about her reactions seem really accurate, and that makes me happy.
"She fidgitted, hitting her knee on the dashboard and let out a low whimper. The driver, her mother looked over in concern, put out a hand and rubbed her knee softly. Rachel turned her head and looked out at the cars rushing past, tears forming again at the corner of her eyes."
I don't understand where this "outburst" of sorts comes from, though... while it does show her unease, I don't really get what other purpose it serves. If that's just the point, that's cool, but the way it's figured into the paragraph makes it sound like her discomfort is because of the music. I would either move this bit or omit it. (Also, it's supposed to be spelled "fidgeted". ;) )
=]
~Sheriff
13gigglebugokay, well I fail as an RGer because I was supposed to give an in-depth review. T_T sorry that I'm not better at this.
*cough* anyway. irrelevantly, my best friend's name is Rachel, and that makes me giggle a little.
but to the point:
okay, I rather liked the fact that you started with the flashback (and made it clear that it was one by use of italics). The sudden jumping into the plot is a good attention getter and then we like to keep reading, so that's a good thing to know how to do. =]
I also liked the fact that you answered questions before going back to Joy and Regina. It's another cool thing to bring them up again because it's obvious they're a major part of this plot. (*mental facepalm*) I had wondered if they were, perhaps, two of the friends in the accident, but I suppose that the statement that the memories were not her own kinda disputes that.
Again, the emotions portrayed in this are very vivid. Just the overall descriptions about her reactions seem really accurate, and that makes me happy.
"She fidgitted, hitting her knee on the dashboard and let out a low whimper. The driver, her mother looked over in concern, put out a hand and rubbed her knee softly. Rachel turned her head and looked out at the cars rushing past, tears forming again at the corner of her eyes."
I don't understand where this "outburst" of sorts comes from, though... while it does show her unease, I don't really get what other purpose it serves. If that's just the point, that's cool, but the way it's figured into the paragraph makes it sound like her discomfort is because of the music. I would either move this bit or omit it. (Also, it's supposed to be spelled "fidgeted". ;) )
=]
~Sheriff
3/6/2009 c1 13Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu
Herro there. Me again. :) Anyway, good to be back here reviewing your stuff again. ;) Okay, basically after looking through this story, I truly believe that the two sub genre here should be tragedy/hurt or comfort in either order. Well tbh this work really seems like one which related the tragedy of an accident and hurt that the main character went through for her memories. Well just my two cents here anyway. Ok basically, I thought the starting flashback here seemed irrelevant to me as I went halfway down the story. Then suddenly through the accident scenario, it hit me as a vital part to this work. I'll say it's good for you here since I believe I'm not the only one here with this thinking which proved that by arranging the scenes in this way, you did well to make lead the readers step by step towards the story's entirety. :) It's really a strong emotional piece here and I don't think there's much people here woho could write this strongly. So yeah good for you here. :D The accident part really was the strongest factor in this one shot. It really left a lasting impression on me tbh. Well basically nothing to complain here. You really did well for this one. And yeah, thanks very much for your reviews on A Ranger's Tale as up till now. Hope to see your review for the updated chapter soon. And yeah, I think that chapter don't have much swearing there. Erm at least not that much compared to the previous two I guess. :S
13Tsumujikaze no SoujutsuHerro there. Me again. :) Anyway, good to be back here reviewing your stuff again. ;) Okay, basically after looking through this story, I truly believe that the two sub genre here should be tragedy/hurt or comfort in either order. Well tbh this work really seems like one which related the tragedy of an accident and hurt that the main character went through for her memories. Well just my two cents here anyway. Ok basically, I thought the starting flashback here seemed irrelevant to me as I went halfway down the story. Then suddenly through the accident scenario, it hit me as a vital part to this work. I'll say it's good for you here since I believe I'm not the only one here with this thinking which proved that by arranging the scenes in this way, you did well to make lead the readers step by step towards the story's entirety. :) It's really a strong emotional piece here and I don't think there's much people here woho could write this strongly. So yeah good for you here. :D The accident part really was the strongest factor in this one shot. It really left a lasting impression on me tbh. Well basically nothing to complain here. You really did well for this one. And yeah, thanks very much for your reviews on A Ranger's Tale as up till now. Hope to see your review for the updated chapter soon. And yeah, I think that chapter don't have much swearing there. Erm at least not that much compared to the previous two I guess. :S
2/14/2009 c1 6ephemeral dance
A very intriguing and interesting start you have here. I'm very anxious to read more.
I only caught a couple of mistakes here and there, just simple ones.
[as well as the three bestfriends] - space between "best" and friends."
[more so that she was still alive,] - period instead of a comma.
But besides all that, it looks great! Wonderful job!
- Sarah, from the Roadhouse.
6ephemeral danceA very intriguing and interesting start you have here. I'm very anxious to read more.
I only caught a couple of mistakes here and there, just simple ones.
[as well as the three bestfriends] - space between "best" and friends."
[more so that she was still alive,] - period instead of a comma.
But besides all that, it looks great! Wonderful job!
- Sarah, from the Roadhouse.
2/5/2009 c1 15Denizen47
Oh, wow. A really engrossing first chapter, I couldn't stop reading. I guess this is due to you writing passages of description without seeming pedantic or trite.
On the whole it seemed tight grammar and spelling wise, no major errors I could see. My only qualm was a slight overuse of exclamation marks.
And a definite hook for the rest of the story, will be reading more :)
15Denizen47Oh, wow. A really engrossing first chapter, I couldn't stop reading. I guess this is due to you writing passages of description without seeming pedantic or trite.
On the whole it seemed tight grammar and spelling wise, no major errors I could see. My only qualm was a slight overuse of exclamation marks.
And a definite hook for the rest of the story, will be reading more :)
2/4/2009 c1 4B. J. Winters
I enjoyed this. I caught clear visual images of the scenery passing in the car - could almost fill the flickering sunshine and music that would be appropriate for this type of drama.
Overall I like the set up. The punchline/last line of the chapter is very good.
I would make two suggestions: 1) you refer to "it happened". While its sort of obvious, I would be more direct. Say in that first paragraph - even if its only a few words separated by a comma that the italics is a memory, and not some other event that's happening simultaneously.
Second, you have 11 (give or take) paragraphs that start with "she". All noun/verb - she felt, she had...go back and just look at how each paragraph starts and you will see much repetition. I would suggest more variety of sentence structure - more transition words and maybe even longer paragraphs. For the shortness of the chapter it actually was fine, but its something you should be aware of and be using consciously.
I was left as a reader to wonder if the memory was one of the three friends who died...you could clarify that. You gave a name - perhaps you should tell the reader if Joy (at least) is known to Rachel. I felt a bit left in the dark as to who this might be with that open possibility that Rachel surely could know or rule out.
And do you really need three friends? If not, it might make things simplier to just have it be Rachel in the car...just a thought. If you don't need the detail, it just overcomplicates things.
Overall good a good character building chapter.
4B. J. WintersI enjoyed this. I caught clear visual images of the scenery passing in the car - could almost fill the flickering sunshine and music that would be appropriate for this type of drama.
Overall I like the set up. The punchline/last line of the chapter is very good.
I would make two suggestions: 1) you refer to "it happened". While its sort of obvious, I would be more direct. Say in that first paragraph - even if its only a few words separated by a comma that the italics is a memory, and not some other event that's happening simultaneously.
Second, you have 11 (give or take) paragraphs that start with "she". All noun/verb - she felt, she had...go back and just look at how each paragraph starts and you will see much repetition. I would suggest more variety of sentence structure - more transition words and maybe even longer paragraphs. For the shortness of the chapter it actually was fine, but its something you should be aware of and be using consciously.
I was left as a reader to wonder if the memory was one of the three friends who died...you could clarify that. You gave a name - perhaps you should tell the reader if Joy (at least) is known to Rachel. I felt a bit left in the dark as to who this might be with that open possibility that Rachel surely could know or rule out.
And do you really need three friends? If not, it might make things simplier to just have it be Rachel in the car...just a thought. If you don't need the detail, it just overcomplicates things.
Overall good a good character building chapter.
2/4/2009 c1 6Stephanie B. Killin
Wow, extremely intense, I love it. Haha I'm exactly like those girls in the beginning with my crush!
But definitely keep writing! I wanna know what happens next!
6Stephanie B. KillinWow, extremely intense, I love it. Haha I'm exactly like those girls in the beginning with my crush!
But definitely keep writing! I wanna know what happens next!
2/3/2009 c1 raineyday
Oh wow. This is interesting; I really want to see where this is going. Very chilling ending to this chapter, I like it a lot. You must update this (or Wendake!) soon. :P
I only caught a couple errors:
"They were astounded to find her that far away, more so that she was still alive," Random comma at the end of this sentence!
"He had died, as well as the three bestfriends." Space between best and friends.
"She fidgitted, hitting her knee on the dashboard and let out a low whimper." One T too many in fidgeted.
But other than that, no problems! This is a really intriguing first chapter!
Oh wow. This is interesting; I really want to see where this is going. Very chilling ending to this chapter, I like it a lot. You must update this (or Wendake!) soon. :P
I only caught a couple errors:
"They were astounded to find her that far away, more so that she was still alive," Random comma at the end of this sentence!
"He had died, as well as the three bestfriends." Space between best and friends.
"She fidgitted, hitting her knee on the dashboard and let out a low whimper." One T too many in fidgeted.
But other than that, no problems! This is a really intriguing first chapter!
2/2/2009 c1 6blueangel916
o this is very interesting I would like to see where you take this keep it up and update soon! :D
6blueangel916o this is very interesting I would like to see where you take this keep it up and update soon! :D