for Duality4/13/2009 c1 
6Kalista Jia
I like how the story started. The bakery and a quick telling of his youth.
"There is a special bench there, not one of those modern contraptions that you’re afraid to sit on. A good solid bench, handmade of the finest red cedar." (LOL! It sure rocks this one)
Oh my god... the ending... gasp! It reminds me of Jeremiah's story. Gasp. Excellent ending. Love it.
6Kalista JiaI like how the story started. The bakery and a quick telling of his youth.
"There is a special bench there, not one of those modern contraptions that you’re afraid to sit on. A good solid bench, handmade of the finest red cedar." (LOL! It sure rocks this one)
Oh my god... the ending... gasp! It reminds me of Jeremiah's story. Gasp. Excellent ending. Love it.
3/28/2009 c1 eyerene
Opening:
"He usually sat in the park alone, an old man surrounded by raucous pigeons."This made me want to read onwards because it seemed like a strange way to start the story (an old man and pigeons). But that one sentence painted a picture in my mind and got me interested.
- Ending
The ending definitely gave me closure. Shock, and closure. The description of the ex-con made me feel bad for him and suspect he didn't do it, but at the same time, I never expected it to be (spoiler)the old man.
- Scene
Oddly enough, even with the kick-as* ending and brilliant beginning, the scene that stood out the most to me was the one where he was feeding pigeons. It might just be that I like pigeons, but that was the point where i remember thinking, "aw, what a nice guy."
- Dialog
I thought the dialog was good. There wasn't a lot of it, but that made it sort of mysterious, which fit the story.
- Characters
I felt a lot of sympathy for the ex-con. I think it was because I was remembering the scene from "Changeling" were they were executing the con and I felt bad for him too. But the image of a man being dragged away in tears just makes me sad. I was shocked at the old man's acting as I thought he was good, but rereading the story I realized I hardly knew anything about him. At first I wanted to know his motives, but I have a feeling that's not the point of the story. Or maybe the point is that you don't know why.
- Writing
The writing was not flowery. It had a very good mix of long and simpler words which I thought fit the story. There was not a lot of dialog, but this worked in keeping the mysterious quality to it.
- Enjoyment
I enjoyed the story because I liked how it was told. The entire time I was reading it, I felt like I had a good picture of Mr. Rogers and his life, but at the same time, I could feel something almost floating just beyond my reach. It was very interesting. Also, I thought the plot was very original.
Opening:
"He usually sat in the park alone, an old man surrounded by raucous pigeons."This made me want to read onwards because it seemed like a strange way to start the story (an old man and pigeons). But that one sentence painted a picture in my mind and got me interested.
- Ending
The ending definitely gave me closure. Shock, and closure. The description of the ex-con made me feel bad for him and suspect he didn't do it, but at the same time, I never expected it to be (spoiler)the old man.
- Scene
Oddly enough, even with the kick-as* ending and brilliant beginning, the scene that stood out the most to me was the one where he was feeding pigeons. It might just be that I like pigeons, but that was the point where i remember thinking, "aw, what a nice guy."
- Dialog
I thought the dialog was good. There wasn't a lot of it, but that made it sort of mysterious, which fit the story.
- Characters
I felt a lot of sympathy for the ex-con. I think it was because I was remembering the scene from "Changeling" were they were executing the con and I felt bad for him too. But the image of a man being dragged away in tears just makes me sad. I was shocked at the old man's acting as I thought he was good, but rereading the story I realized I hardly knew anything about him. At first I wanted to know his motives, but I have a feeling that's not the point of the story. Or maybe the point is that you don't know why.
- Writing
The writing was not flowery. It had a very good mix of long and simpler words which I thought fit the story. There was not a lot of dialog, but this worked in keeping the mysterious quality to it.
- Enjoyment
I enjoyed the story because I liked how it was told. The entire time I was reading it, I felt like I had a good picture of Mr. Rogers and his life, but at the same time, I could feel something almost floating just beyond my reach. It was very interesting. Also, I thought the plot was very original.
3/26/2009 c1 23fatbird33
hello!
When i first read it i didn't know if i loved or disliked the first line. but i've realized that it's pretty much perfect.
"raucous" great word choice!
"starting exactly at 2:30pm, like clockwork." that phrase kinda bothered me, because you give the time, and then you mentioned clockwork. it's a little repetitive. you know what i mean?
o he's got all the ladies:P
I like how you compare the bench to Sam.
"He is convicted before he was tried." i'm pretty sure that the was is supposed to be is, but don't quote me on that one...
*GASP* awesome surprises!
"He breathes a sigh of relief. Everything is fine. The boy is fine. He looks at Michael, bound and gagged on a thin mattress and sees the fear in his eyes." loved the irony in that line. how the boy was 'fine' when he was tied up and gagged.
"“I’ve got you now! No one will ever find you. The cops will never think of me.”" i must say this line is a little corny. I think that you should just not have him say anything here. it's much more menacing with just the smile.
loved the last line. it's so simple yet represents how this is nothing to Sam and how he will just go on living his own life.
i liked how you developed your charcter. and how he was swweet and innocent and LOVEd by so many people when really he was...well a sick Bastard:P
nice plot and nice story, b ut i think that you coudl've added more scenes, dialogue, character development. especially when he gives the cops info. it's just kinda out of the blue, the whole missing boyt thing. try to transition more.
but other than that,nice work:)
~fatbird
23fatbird33hello!
When i first read it i didn't know if i loved or disliked the first line. but i've realized that it's pretty much perfect.
"raucous" great word choice!
"starting exactly at 2:30pm, like clockwork." that phrase kinda bothered me, because you give the time, and then you mentioned clockwork. it's a little repetitive. you know what i mean?
o he's got all the ladies:P
I like how you compare the bench to Sam.
"He is convicted before he was tried." i'm pretty sure that the was is supposed to be is, but don't quote me on that one...
*GASP* awesome surprises!
"He breathes a sigh of relief. Everything is fine. The boy is fine. He looks at Michael, bound and gagged on a thin mattress and sees the fear in his eyes." loved the irony in that line. how the boy was 'fine' when he was tied up and gagged.
"“I’ve got you now! No one will ever find you. The cops will never think of me.”" i must say this line is a little corny. I think that you should just not have him say anything here. it's much more menacing with just the smile.
loved the last line. it's so simple yet represents how this is nothing to Sam and how he will just go on living his own life.
i liked how you developed your charcter. and how he was swweet and innocent and LOVEd by so many people when really he was...well a sick Bastard:P
nice plot and nice story, b ut i think that you coudl've added more scenes, dialogue, character development. especially when he gives the cops info. it's just kinda out of the blue, the whole missing boyt thing. try to transition more.
but other than that,nice work:)
~fatbird
3/10/2009 c1 31ByYourSide
Creepy. Very creepy.
:]
But the jarring between past and present tense was just that-jarring, and distracting. I paid more attention to the words than the story. I'd put the entire thing in present tense and leave out the scattered bits of past:
"He usually SAT in the park alone..."
"It WAS true..."
I think you only did that a couple of times. Ah, the beginning was so sweet! Mr. Roger seemed like a man I'd like to have a cup of tea with-
-and then...
The end. I knew he was too good to be true. ;P
Not bad, definitely; I like your style of writing! I did find the story a tad predictable, because Mr. Rogers really was too good to be true, and when you have a character like that, the reader starts to suspect something. I liked the ending line, though; it was sufficiently creepy.
31ByYourSideCreepy. Very creepy.
:]
But the jarring between past and present tense was just that-jarring, and distracting. I paid more attention to the words than the story. I'd put the entire thing in present tense and leave out the scattered bits of past:
"He usually SAT in the park alone..."
"It WAS true..."
I think you only did that a couple of times. Ah, the beginning was so sweet! Mr. Roger seemed like a man I'd like to have a cup of tea with-
-and then...
The end. I knew he was too good to be true. ;P
Not bad, definitely; I like your style of writing! I did find the story a tad predictable, because Mr. Rogers really was too good to be true, and when you have a character like that, the reader starts to suspect something. I liked the ending line, though; it was sufficiently creepy.
2/27/2009 c1 13Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu
Wow, that's something of a moral fic on the wrong side, huh? Anyway, I like the way you did human nature here. This may be a short one, but definitely it gives out enough impression of the common saying judge not the book by it's cover. Which led me to remember one truth from the Bible, namely a human heart is the most deceptive thing on earth. Pretty much true when you looked through the course of history. And I guess that Rogers bum was a pedo? Anyway, good work here and thanks a lot as well for your review on A Ranger's Tale. Hope to see more of the reviews for it soon again. ^^ Bye! :)
13Tsumujikaze no SoujutsuWow, that's something of a moral fic on the wrong side, huh? Anyway, I like the way you did human nature here. This may be a short one, but definitely it gives out enough impression of the common saying judge not the book by it's cover. Which led me to remember one truth from the Bible, namely a human heart is the most deceptive thing on earth. Pretty much true when you looked through the course of history. And I guess that Rogers bum was a pedo? Anyway, good work here and thanks a lot as well for your review on A Ranger's Tale. Hope to see more of the reviews for it soon again. ^^ Bye! :)
2/21/2009 c1 16Atrix
sorry this took me so long.
GREAT story!
It is definitely true that things are never as they appear on the surface.
It is all very well thought out. Nothing appears in your story that does not have a purpose to further the plot.
I like how you mention that the nature of his smile changes...a very profound detail.
awesome
16Atrixsorry this took me so long.
GREAT story!
It is definitely true that things are never as they appear on the surface.
It is all very well thought out. Nothing appears in your story that does not have a purpose to further the plot.
I like how you mention that the nature of his smile changes...a very profound detail.
awesome
2/15/2009 c1 2Morohtar
Here from the Roadhouse.
Wow - this is chilling. I guessed the ending about halfway through, but that doesn't make it any less frightening. The initial part of the story is a character study, and is accomplished well by showing us rather than telling.
The really chilling element is the way that he is trusted by everyone; the girl at the bakery, the cops, the children - even the birds. And that trust is shocking betrayed - in a way which isn't original, or even surprising, but which is still very shocking and chilling.
Is the fact he is called Mr Rodgers deliberate? :)
I like this story a lot - it's very clever.
Pay it forward.
2MorohtarHere from the Roadhouse.
Wow - this is chilling. I guessed the ending about halfway through, but that doesn't make it any less frightening. The initial part of the story is a character study, and is accomplished well by showing us rather than telling.
The really chilling element is the way that he is trusted by everyone; the girl at the bakery, the cops, the children - even the birds. And that trust is shocking betrayed - in a way which isn't original, or even surprising, but which is still very shocking and chilling.
Is the fact he is called Mr Rodgers deliberate? :)
I like this story a lot - it's very clever.
Pay it forward.
2/12/2009 c1 13Nicki BluIs
Nice. I mean that in a totally depressing morbid sort of way. I do think the swith is too sudden and sharp. It was too jekyll and hyde. It becomes less a duality and more a two-faced hypocrisy. Other than that I think it's okay.
good luck with WCC
nicki :)
13Nicki BluIsNice. I mean that in a totally depressing morbid sort of way. I do think the swith is too sudden and sharp. It was too jekyll and hyde. It becomes less a duality and more a two-faced hypocrisy. Other than that I think it's okay.
good luck with WCC
nicki :)
2/10/2009 c1 Your Valentine
HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY FROM THE REVIEW GAME FORUM
I like the way you have made the prompt. It kind of makes sense too and it left me feeling rather shocked, and deeply grieved. The unexpected turn of events really freaked me out.
Coming to grammar errors - "thankful", I guess the double 'l' was a typo?
The tension you built up was done in a sweet way, with some mysterious undertones. I'm at a loss of words - the part with the boy in the basement nearly made me cry.
The piece has been correctly named, 'Duality'. Though one cannot guess from the initial sentences what the story will be about, you are in for a ride in this one-shot.
I liked it.
Good luck in the WCC.
With love, Your Valentine.
HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY FROM THE REVIEW GAME FORUM
I like the way you have made the prompt. It kind of makes sense too and it left me feeling rather shocked, and deeply grieved. The unexpected turn of events really freaked me out.
Coming to grammar errors - "thankful", I guess the double 'l' was a typo?
The tension you built up was done in a sweet way, with some mysterious undertones. I'm at a loss of words - the part with the boy in the basement nearly made me cry.
The piece has been correctly named, 'Duality'. Though one cannot guess from the initial sentences what the story will be about, you are in for a ride in this one-shot.
I liked it.
Good luck in the WCC.
With love, Your Valentine.
2/9/2009 c1 11Hank Harding
Hoo wow. This is...ugh!
Absolutely perfect juxtaposition of good and evil.
You know what? Reading the story is a parallel of the story itself. Just as the boy is brutalized by someone he trusts, the story lures the readers in and then hurts them when their guard is down.
Disturbing, but -very- well done.
11Hank HardingHoo wow. This is...ugh!
Absolutely perfect juxtaposition of good and evil.
You know what? Reading the story is a parallel of the story itself. Just as the boy is brutalized by someone he trusts, the story lures the readers in and then hurts them when their guard is down.
Disturbing, but -very- well done.
2/8/2009 c1 criti-sized
What seemed to start off very soft and sweet turned out to be very creepy, lol. I like the way that you wrote this and how even in it's simplicity it's very great.
C.S.
What seemed to start off very soft and sweet turned out to be very creepy, lol. I like the way that you wrote this and how even in it's simplicity it's very great.
C.S.
2/8/2009 c1 Chasing Skylines
[He has known her since there were children]
Should be 'they' were children.
[they grew up together.]
Shouldn't it be 'they had grown up together', since this happened in the past?
[thankfull]
Thankful has only one 'l.'
[quarrelling]
Likewise, quarreling has only one 'l.'
I had an inkling of a prediction Mr. Rogers was actually the pedophile.
I like the theme of how people are not always as they seem, and the whole mood of the story.
[He has known her since there were children]
Should be 'they' were children.
[they grew up together.]
Shouldn't it be 'they had grown up together', since this happened in the past?
[thankfull]
Thankful has only one 'l.'
[quarrelling]
Likewise, quarreling has only one 'l.'
I had an inkling of a prediction Mr. Rogers was actually the pedophile.
I like the theme of how people are not always as they seem, and the whole mood of the story.
2/7/2009 c1 36Kate Marshall
Ugh. I think I'm emotionally spent from that.
*sigh* And now you just had to make it hard on me for who I'm voting for in the WCC. Sheesh.
But this was really good. I applaud the super stunning, creepy ending.
36Kate MarshallUgh. I think I'm emotionally spent from that.
*sigh* And now you just had to make it hard on me for who I'm voting for in the WCC. Sheesh.
But this was really good. I applaud the super stunning, creepy ending.
2/6/2009 c1 5Jillian Smoke
I enjoyed your voice in this, it was dark and calm. I think the creepiness of it all deffinitly got thicker by the end. In all, great work! I look forward to more!
~W.W.S.T
Please take a look at my stories!
Thanks!
5Jillian SmokeI enjoyed your voice in this, it was dark and calm. I think the creepiness of it all deffinitly got thicker by the end. In all, great work! I look forward to more!
~W.W.S.T
Please take a look at my stories!
Thanks!
2/6/2009 c1 raineyday
Creepy! Oh my God, this sent chills down my spine. You capture the duality of his character so well. At the beginning of this piece you could never, ever imagine Mr. Rogers doing something so horrible, but at the end, everything you thought about him initially is just obliterated. Very well-written piece. I am totally disturbed, and that means that you are totally doing your job!
"A good solid bench, handmade of the finest red cedar. Old fashioned, just like him." When I first read this line, I loved it, and I copied it so that I could put it in my review. It's creepier now that I made it to the end, though!
Creepy! Oh my God, this sent chills down my spine. You capture the duality of his character so well. At the beginning of this piece you could never, ever imagine Mr. Rogers doing something so horrible, but at the end, everything you thought about him initially is just obliterated. Very well-written piece. I am totally disturbed, and that means that you are totally doing your job!
"A good solid bench, handmade of the finest red cedar. Old fashioned, just like him." When I first read this line, I loved it, and I copied it so that I could put it in my review. It's creepier now that I made it to the end, though!