for Over, Through, Above, & Beyond2/8/2009 c1 
15Denizen47
An interesting opening to the story, definitely. Though it is hard to guage where it's gonna go from here with just this first chapter.
I was a little apprehensive through the opening of this chapter, it felt a little self absorbed. But it definitely picked up, simultaneously in writing style and her exploration of her new home. There was some awkward phrasing in some parts eg.
[Thinking of him, and his mahogany eyes, I felt my own green ones start to well up.]
When you specify shade with one persons eyes the same should be for the other. So either mahogany and emerald (or another shade of green), or brown/hazel and green.
Your dialogue was very well written, and flowed well between the two characters. There were occasions where speech marks slipped through into your main prose,
[“I shifted to my other side, so all she could see was my back.]
but these are hardly noticeable and can be easily fixed. There is the matter of thoughts, which are treated as a form of dialogue. You end with [Hmm, I wonder where my suitcase is. I thought but I ended up just falling straight asleep.] The thought should either be italicised or in speech marks and the "I thought" should follow a comma.
From the two characters we see in this chapter you definitely gave them distinct personalities, which is a seemingly obvious thing but many authors miss it. It is odd (unless I missed it) that you haven't named you protagonist in this opening chapter. And the mother seems particuarly well written, in that you can see she's putting on a brave face and enjoying her new life - hinting at a messy split with the husband.
Your pacing is just right for an opening chapter. We get an insight into two of the characters and the setting is firmly described. But without any other characters introduced it means you will need to fill the next two or three with more exposition, and as such you run the risk of boring the reader. Though the piece flows well enough that that is unlikely to happen.
Plotwise there are hints of this descending into cliche, which in itself is not a bad thing. But you need to be wary of creating a set of 2D characters who are just "going through the motions". The opening chapter gives enough information to interest a reader, and holds back enough to compel them to read on.
A good read,
Denizen.
15Denizen47An interesting opening to the story, definitely. Though it is hard to guage where it's gonna go from here with just this first chapter.
I was a little apprehensive through the opening of this chapter, it felt a little self absorbed. But it definitely picked up, simultaneously in writing style and her exploration of her new home. There was some awkward phrasing in some parts eg.
[Thinking of him, and his mahogany eyes, I felt my own green ones start to well up.]
When you specify shade with one persons eyes the same should be for the other. So either mahogany and emerald (or another shade of green), or brown/hazel and green.
Your dialogue was very well written, and flowed well between the two characters. There were occasions where speech marks slipped through into your main prose,
[“I shifted to my other side, so all she could see was my back.]
but these are hardly noticeable and can be easily fixed. There is the matter of thoughts, which are treated as a form of dialogue. You end with [Hmm, I wonder where my suitcase is. I thought but I ended up just falling straight asleep.] The thought should either be italicised or in speech marks and the "I thought" should follow a comma.
From the two characters we see in this chapter you definitely gave them distinct personalities, which is a seemingly obvious thing but many authors miss it. It is odd (unless I missed it) that you haven't named you protagonist in this opening chapter. And the mother seems particuarly well written, in that you can see she's putting on a brave face and enjoying her new life - hinting at a messy split with the husband.
Your pacing is just right for an opening chapter. We get an insight into two of the characters and the setting is firmly described. But without any other characters introduced it means you will need to fill the next two or three with more exposition, and as such you run the risk of boring the reader. Though the piece flows well enough that that is unlikely to happen.
Plotwise there are hints of this descending into cliche, which in itself is not a bad thing. But you need to be wary of creating a set of 2D characters who are just "going through the motions". The opening chapter gives enough information to interest a reader, and holds back enough to compel them to read on.
A good read,
Denizen.
2/8/2009 c1 Left FP
Very well-written, and emotionally moving chapter. I like how you have set up the premise to introduce the characters of the story. Providing sundry references to the girl's past makes it easier for the reader to understand the story better.
"Anyways" is colloquial and shouldn't be used in writing.
The tone of the story is interesting...since when you get to really feel the character, you begin to live their lives. It is going to be interesting to see how she gets accustomed to the new life.
Over all, a well written story. Perhaps, a little common but if you can manage it - it will come across as beautiful.
Good luck with it.
P.S. - Add some nice twists to it...that'll be a lovely read.
~Misty Elizabeth.
Very well-written, and emotionally moving chapter. I like how you have set up the premise to introduce the characters of the story. Providing sundry references to the girl's past makes it easier for the reader to understand the story better.
"Anyways" is colloquial and shouldn't be used in writing.
The tone of the story is interesting...since when you get to really feel the character, you begin to live their lives. It is going to be interesting to see how she gets accustomed to the new life.
Over all, a well written story. Perhaps, a little common but if you can manage it - it will come across as beautiful.
Good luck with it.
P.S. - Add some nice twists to it...that'll be a lovely read.
~Misty Elizabeth.
2/6/2009 c1 InsertManiacLaughterHere
Second Paragraph: The 'anyways' should be 'anyway'.
Fifth Paragraph: The quote should end in a period.
One of the later paragraphs doesn't have a space between it and the one prior.
There is quotations where it isn't needed.
Overall it's pretty good. Can't wait for more.
Second Paragraph: The 'anyways' should be 'anyway'.
Fifth Paragraph: The quote should end in a period.
One of the later paragraphs doesn't have a space between it and the one prior.
There is quotations where it isn't needed.
Overall it's pretty good. Can't wait for more.