for To my disappointment5/6/2009 c1 
3izabellizima
Allow me to say, as a mexican who learned this language over fifteen years ago, that it is brave to attempt to write as a hobbie for others to review on a site where the majority are native english speakers.
I enjoyed: "manly friendly way" There are phrases that one might not utter or write in english when one is a native speaker because they sound wrong even though they are NOT grammatically incorrect. Foreign speakers, unaware of these unspoken limitations, often speak and write immaginative and amuzing phrases because of their "ignrance". Also like how descriptive you were. I could see what you were describing.
I didn't enjoy: It seems unfair to even mention it but it is very obvious that english isn't your native tongue, and your grammatical errors, though quaint, are not a strength but a hinderance to your work. "It was yet another day in my wushu school when I finish class all sweaty and I have to sit and wait..." Here, for instance, your past tence isn't agreeing with the present tence. The statement should have readhould have read "finished". Unfortunatelly, when compounded, these subtle mistakes add up to make your work borderline unintelligible.
3izabellizimaAllow me to say, as a mexican who learned this language over fifteen years ago, that it is brave to attempt to write as a hobbie for others to review on a site where the majority are native english speakers.
I enjoyed: "manly friendly way" There are phrases that one might not utter or write in english when one is a native speaker because they sound wrong even though they are NOT grammatically incorrect. Foreign speakers, unaware of these unspoken limitations, often speak and write immaginative and amuzing phrases because of their "ignrance". Also like how descriptive you were. I could see what you were describing.
I didn't enjoy: It seems unfair to even mention it but it is very obvious that english isn't your native tongue, and your grammatical errors, though quaint, are not a strength but a hinderance to your work. "It was yet another day in my wushu school when I finish class all sweaty and I have to sit and wait..." Here, for instance, your past tence isn't agreeing with the present tence. The statement should have readhould have read "finished". Unfortunatelly, when compounded, these subtle mistakes add up to make your work borderline unintelligible.
4/17/2009 c1 Captivehero223
Dreamer...I had a very hard time following your story. It wasn't bad but it seemed like you were trying to skip your introduction so you could get right into the action, and that kinda make the pacing of the story much too fast. Your characters teacher was an asshole without any given reason and was a real put off. Your male lead (Brad I think) was a blatant Gary Stu, and your female is closing on the "Anti Sue" barrier. Personally I would rewrite the story and pace it slower, give all your characters proper introductions and such. I couldn't see any grammatical errors on my first read(but then I'm not very good at spotting those) however and it does kind of stand out.
Dreamer...I had a very hard time following your story. It wasn't bad but it seemed like you were trying to skip your introduction so you could get right into the action, and that kinda make the pacing of the story much too fast. Your characters teacher was an asshole without any given reason and was a real put off. Your male lead (Brad I think) was a blatant Gary Stu, and your female is closing on the "Anti Sue" barrier. Personally I would rewrite the story and pace it slower, give all your characters proper introductions and such. I couldn't see any grammatical errors on my first read(but then I'm not very good at spotting those) however and it does kind of stand out.
4/17/2009 c1 Xx-Angel-of-Shadows-xX
Salut, dreami!
Brilliant histoire,
mais c'est tellement triste!
Gardez l'ecriture, voues etes incroyable!
Bonne chance traduire ca! ;)
Etoile. (Star :D)
Salut, dreami!
Brilliant histoire,
mais c'est tellement triste!
Gardez l'ecriture, voues etes incroyable!
Bonne chance traduire ca! ;)
Etoile. (Star :D)