for Broken Moonlight2/9/2009 c1 
12Mr. Aek
"too big now to be considered really young; the pack leader was sitting on a rock"
- I'd suggest 2 sentences.
"I went back to my mate. Laying down beside her, and looking in the sky I saw small points of white filling it. Everything was at peace, I loved my home."
Confusion here, you went from past tense to present then back to past. try to keep one tense.
"The next day I woke up. A pup jumped on my back nipping at my ears. I shook it off, it yelped where it landed, then ran back to me. I shrugged it off, and went to my mate. She was lying with our other pups. I grinned at the sight of it. Our pack leader started to howl, and I looked up at him where he stood standing. It was a sign for us to go hunting. Some of the wolves formed a small pack and we headed out."
This had 2 topics in it - waking up and the howling for a hunt. it may be small but the deserve their own paragraphs.
"I could smell the warmth coming from it."
you can't smell warmth try "I could sense the warmth coming from it."
"He howled, a long and drawn out sound, and the pack gather around him and we left" try to remove one of the "and's" you don’t want to sound repetitive.
“Something brushed by me, barely missing me. The bit that hit me cut off the tips of my fur.”
First you said it missed, then you said a bit of it hit the fur? Make up your mind :)
“Whatever it was, I feel like I should like I’m happy it missed me, the weird thing was, I hadn’t done anything to them.”
“Whatever it was, I feel like I should be happy it missed me, the weird thing was, I hadn’t done anything to them.”
- to many “likes”
“I felt like something was pushing us, far from what we had loved and lived in for so long.”
“I felt like something was pushing us far from what we had loved and lived in for so long.” – No comma needed.
I liked the ending. What a great way to end a story “what did I do?” :) I like people who are not afraid to kill a main character, how sad this one has to be about poaching.
You could have made the intro a bit catchier. I wasn’t to into the story into after the first shot. The hook was kind-a slow. Maybe you can make him catch an eye of something strange on the first kill? Like one of the hunters finding the pack.
12Mr. Aek"too big now to be considered really young; the pack leader was sitting on a rock"
- I'd suggest 2 sentences.
"I went back to my mate. Laying down beside her, and looking in the sky I saw small points of white filling it. Everything was at peace, I loved my home."
Confusion here, you went from past tense to present then back to past. try to keep one tense.
"The next day I woke up. A pup jumped on my back nipping at my ears. I shook it off, it yelped where it landed, then ran back to me. I shrugged it off, and went to my mate. She was lying with our other pups. I grinned at the sight of it. Our pack leader started to howl, and I looked up at him where he stood standing. It was a sign for us to go hunting. Some of the wolves formed a small pack and we headed out."
This had 2 topics in it - waking up and the howling for a hunt. it may be small but the deserve their own paragraphs.
"I could smell the warmth coming from it."
you can't smell warmth try "I could sense the warmth coming from it."
"He howled, a long and drawn out sound, and the pack gather around him and we left" try to remove one of the "and's" you don’t want to sound repetitive.
“Something brushed by me, barely missing me. The bit that hit me cut off the tips of my fur.”
First you said it missed, then you said a bit of it hit the fur? Make up your mind :)
“Whatever it was, I feel like I should like I’m happy it missed me, the weird thing was, I hadn’t done anything to them.”
“Whatever it was, I feel like I should be happy it missed me, the weird thing was, I hadn’t done anything to them.”
- to many “likes”
“I felt like something was pushing us, far from what we had loved and lived in for so long.”
“I felt like something was pushing us far from what we had loved and lived in for so long.” – No comma needed.
I liked the ending. What a great way to end a story “what did I do?” :) I like people who are not afraid to kill a main character, how sad this one has to be about poaching.
You could have made the intro a bit catchier. I wasn’t to into the story into after the first shot. The hook was kind-a slow. Maybe you can make him catch an eye of something strange on the first kill? Like one of the hunters finding the pack.
2/9/2009 c1 3Mira Tsukiyoen
The opening gave a clear idea as to what to expect in the remainder of the story. Nice development of the initial (pre-human) situation.
The way the main character (the wolf) is portrayed was not really satisfying for me. Of course, the wolf's way of life is relatively simple, but it just feels like there was not enough detail. At certain points the wolf seemed to have very little knowledge of the world, like the "small points of white" in the sky, while at others he seemed to have too many human characteristics or ways of describing things.
The main idea that humans are destroying the wolves' habitat was well developed, in my opinion. You did make me feel for the wolves, although probably not as much as I should. Some of the aspects needed more realism though, like why would humans shoot at wolves from planes (if I got that right). Sure enough, to a wolf, none of it would make too much sense or seem real.
Some of the words you chose need to be changed. At times, there were repetitions. A couple of times, there was ambiguity with the pronouns, and I think you should fix that.
Most of what I said was negative, but don't let that get to you. I am just giving suggestions, and by no means does it mean the story was bad. I personally liked it quite a bit.
3Mira TsukiyoenThe opening gave a clear idea as to what to expect in the remainder of the story. Nice development of the initial (pre-human) situation.
The way the main character (the wolf) is portrayed was not really satisfying for me. Of course, the wolf's way of life is relatively simple, but it just feels like there was not enough detail. At certain points the wolf seemed to have very little knowledge of the world, like the "small points of white" in the sky, while at others he seemed to have too many human characteristics or ways of describing things.
The main idea that humans are destroying the wolves' habitat was well developed, in my opinion. You did make me feel for the wolves, although probably not as much as I should. Some of the aspects needed more realism though, like why would humans shoot at wolves from planes (if I got that right). Sure enough, to a wolf, none of it would make too much sense or seem real.
Some of the words you chose need to be changed. At times, there were repetitions. A couple of times, there was ambiguity with the pronouns, and I think you should fix that.
Most of what I said was negative, but don't let that get to you. I am just giving suggestions, and by no means does it mean the story was bad. I personally liked it quite a bit.
2/8/2009 c1 12SuzannaR
Review Marathon, from the Review Game (see link in profile)
Wow this was brilliant :)
I loved that you're writing in the first person and from the viewpoint of a wolf. You did an excellent job staying in character, all through the story. I really liked how you talked about the machines and humans in the terms that the wolf probably would have thought about them too- like strange massive loud beasts.
This was so sad, I could actually hear the voice of the wolf as the story progressed. Your ending was perfect, and I loved that this is his last thought as he was dying...you left us with something to ponder.
Great job.
s
12SuzannaRReview Marathon, from the Review Game (see link in profile)
Wow this was brilliant :)
I loved that you're writing in the first person and from the viewpoint of a wolf. You did an excellent job staying in character, all through the story. I really liked how you talked about the machines and humans in the terms that the wolf probably would have thought about them too- like strange massive loud beasts.
This was so sad, I could actually hear the voice of the wolf as the story progressed. Your ending was perfect, and I loved that this is his last thought as he was dying...you left us with something to ponder.
Great job.
s
2/8/2009 c1 9Dot Cubed
I've never read anything written from the perspective of an animal before, so I particularly enjoyed this. Although depressing, I feel like you stayed true to the life of a wolf, what with the alpha male, his mate, and the pups. It was a very emotional piece, especially at the end! I have to admit, I almost cried. I feel that you conveyed your views about hunting and destroying animal habitat effectively.
I really liked the repetition of "what had we done?" You really conveyed the emotion of the wolf with it, and the confusion that he must've been feeling. It was especially devastating that those were his last thoughts. I felt so bad for your wolf character.
9Dot CubedI've never read anything written from the perspective of an animal before, so I particularly enjoyed this. Although depressing, I feel like you stayed true to the life of a wolf, what with the alpha male, his mate, and the pups. It was a very emotional piece, especially at the end! I have to admit, I almost cried. I feel that you conveyed your views about hunting and destroying animal habitat effectively.
I really liked the repetition of "what had we done?" You really conveyed the emotion of the wolf with it, and the confusion that he must've been feeling. It was especially devastating that those were his last thoughts. I felt so bad for your wolf character.